Wow, you guys brought tears to my eyes this morning. EL this is a quote I'm hanging onto one day i am going to get there. What’s troubling is I black out with 4 drinks, it makes me feel so horrible, like a looser. I wish I could have some kind of humor in this. I'm thinking I need an attitude adjustment, just like the one I had when starting TSM. I need to step back and take a fresh look at the whole thing.

Gotta go for now, there's more I want to write.

Zippy

Me too! Damn I wish I could get out of this funk, why why why do I have to be so hard on myself? I make a mistake and think it's the end of the world. I think my depression is kicking in high gear, or maybe I'm just thinking way to much.

What did I use to do to pick myself up, I have enough experience to be able to work through this. Ah, gratitude!!! What are the good things in my life? Say/write at least 10.

1) TSM
2) Nal
3) Car
4) House
5) Heat
6) Food in frig
7) My dog Max / Wish I could post a picture, he's so cute
8) New earings
9) An avenue to vent my feelings / forum
10) Challenges ?
11) Consumption slowly deminishing / progress not perfection
12) I am not drinking uncontrolable
13) The opportunity for change

Umm, starting to smile, it's working.

Zip

Zippy, my dear...if you're asking ME (doesn't matter, 'cause I'm gonna tell you anyway!), here's what I see:

Yes, you are way too hard on yourself, and it does no good. Also impatient. If you can possibly quit thinking about the process of TSM so much, that might help. You quoted that marvelous quip from EL's post that I also enjoyed so much. Our girl EL is in a very good place, but man! has she paid her dues to get there: though she is indeed a "young-un", she's logged many months to get to where she is, and endured ongoing bad, bad side effects that might have put off many a weaker soul. So...I think you're kind of...in the midst of the TSM process and sometimes its GOOD and sometimes not. When you find yourself dwelling on the unhappy part of it maybe you can discipline yourself to think about something else and remember you're doing EXACTLY what you're supposed to do (as long as you're taking your Nal, the ONLY "rule"). You never know when you will see the next little change that will inspire you.

Question: are these 4 drink black outs new since you started the Nal? I, myself have not had the effect of more drunkenness on nal, nor worse hangovers, but plenty of others here can shed light on those issues.

The reason I can dispense advice to you so freely is that since I'm 4 weeks ahead of you, I'm your TSM Big Sister, and you know how Big Sisters can be, right??? All for now - I must go try to scratch out a living, in these desperate times.

Chrissie

Zip, I think we are all a bit too hard on ourselves. The very reason I didn't care for AA. Why dwell on the past when we have so much to look forward to? I appreciate your willingness to share your ups & downs with us as I am learning some new tools for getting through the lows. The greatful list is a great idea. I think I read on these posts that some people get more depressed with the Nal. I don't remember from your posts if you are on any form of anti depressant. I am considering upping my dose for this journey but will wait until I get a little further in the TSM process. It sounds like you are moving forward and I hope you get to that "in control" stage this year. I too am a light weight compared to other drinkers, but I don't black out. However, my memory is usually a bit spotty. I assume that you are a fairly small person and that that might have something to do with the lower threshold. Do you continue to drink past the forth drink? If so, how do you know how much you have drunk? Just curious and am trying to learn from your experience. Take care, Keek

Hey Big Sista!!! Yes I certainly know how big sista's can be since I'm the baby of 5. Give it to me! I really miss this since my Ma died, she was more like my sister than mother. Chrissie, you are nurturing not condemning, my blood sister is more condemning, hence, I am not that open with her. Actually very guarded.

My 4 drinks, white wine, are since the Nal. I would drink at least two bottles of wine before black out before. I haven't hit two bottles of wine though I've been on the Nal. If I black out I fall asleep, finding my glass with half full, then throwing it out because I don't want anymore. This would never happen before, at the height of my drinking I would never leave a drink unfinished. In fact I would finish everyone else's drink too. Almost like it was a sin to leave a drink half full!

Keek! Hey Ya!!! I am, I guess, a normal weight, 5'6" 120 lbs. I do eat light since I set at a desk all day now, probably 800 - 1000 caleries a day. I have been exercising everyday since the new year, at least I walk on the tread mill for 2 miles, some days more depending on how much time I have.

I do take an antidepressant and have a booster when I am under a lot of stress. As of late, I have been under intense stress, from my own doing. I'm pushing for a raise and wondering how I'm going to pay my property taxes due February 14. This past Christmas season starting with Ocotober, needing a new car has put my finances in a vice grip. I have added my booster back in, reluctantly, I'm coming to face I need it. THIS doesn't mean I'm a failure!!! We all need help from time to time, especially when depressed, in no way shape or form does this mean looser! It is clinical, I don't want to end up in the hospital again because I can't face life anymore.

On to a better note, I ended up having a really good day. I love my life and want to cherish every minute of it.

Thanks for being here mates!

Zippy's Smiling

If this site had a like, I'd put it on your last post. So happy to here you are doing well and thank you for qualifying the 4 drink black out w/Nal. We are of similar size and it's nice to know what to look "forward" to. BTW, 5'6" and 120 lbs is small in my neck of the woods (nor cal), but if we went to So cal we'd probably be called obese...lol! Take care, keek

Zippy, I think you might not be eating enough calories. Seriously. Even at rest someone your height and (low!) weight will likely be burning off at least 1300 calories a day. Any less than that and you could be short-changing your organs. Especially if you are also exercising. How long have you been on this extremely-low calorie diet? I really really would suggest you up your intake, I'm pretty sure a lot of people would black out after only eating 800 calories and then drinking four glasses of wine.

It's been a few day's since I've posted. Thought I'd take a break to not think about this process so much. I'm still on track with taking my Nal keeping track of consumption. Actually I gave myself a break from being so stressed out about everything. Deciding I need to start adding some fun back into my life. Since my divorce, buying my house, finding employment, a way to make a living for myself, has been way stressful for me. All the changes, questioning can I do it, just settling in to find myself again in my new life.

Financials has been the biggest stressor. I have absolutely nothing to complain about, I have been so fortunate in my life. SOO much to be greatful for. I have always been well taken care of. When I was married my husband and I where very successful, I became a slave to my husbands wishes. Until I discovered a new love, a birthday present I gave to myself on my 40th birthday. To become a private pilot, I fell in love with flying. The day after I got my ticket my husband bought me a Cessna 150 Aerobat. Flying was the only thing I could do that erased all bad and brought so much joy. I got to keep my airplane, I've been keeping up with it's maintance and my flight currency. Now all this has been too much for me since I've had to work full time now and I'm my only source of income. I came to a decision I had to sell my little airplane. Really hard since I've felt like she was my baby. I never ever thought I would have had such an emotional attachment to a "thing" in my life.

I use to love dance too, I use to have a little studio in my house and tought. I've tapped, jazzed, and ballroom danced for most of my life. All this has stopped too until I saw an infamercial last week on Zumba. I bought it hook line and sinker. Last year with my tax refund I bought a treadmill, set it up in my home office, used it on and off. Nothing like I would when I danced. Friday I got my Zumbia stuff, over the weekend set up my office like a studio. Mirrored a portion of a wall, moved stuff around, set up my spare TV and DVD player, and started dancing. I haven't stopped dancing since. In my mind that is! I never used my office it was a dark room that reminded me of working with my husband, it brought back all the feelings of loneliness I use to have. Now!!! I have a great little studio for myself, with my treadmill.

I had come to a point where I had to just say stop to myself. STOP worrying so much, STOP being so hard on yourself, STOP thinking so bad about me! STOP use to be one of my montras when my thinking would go in the dumps. Finally I did! I had the best weekend. The lesson learned was you need to have fun!!!

Zippy Smiles

EL I agree, my biggest problem has been since taking the Nal I can't eat like I use to. I have to force myself to eat, even if I'm starving after two or three bits I'm full. My body is probably setting into starvation mode, where it shuts down and holds on to what ever I have. This has been for almost 3 months. I'm not losing any weight, at least maintaining. I do take a fist full of suppliments along with a high protien drink in the morning.

Thinking back on that night I remember I was extremely exhausted and couldn't eat much for dinner. That combination is a shoe in for black out city...

This week is off to a good start, Sunday is the beginning of my week. This Sunday I didn't have anything to drink until after 4P, which is a huge difference from before. Lately I'd start drinking in the morning then drink throughout the day, starting my week with a high number. I'm really hopeful this week that I'll finish up with my lowest yet.

Zip

Hey Zippy -

You are doing a lot of really smart, positive things to reorganize your life around things that are good for you (with the exception of having to sell the plane -- ouch). It is so important to both challenge yourself and to reward yourself.

And it's really great to keep yourself busy on weekends and push drinking time deeper into the day. Sometimes I save up a lot of mundane errands so that I don't get home on weekend nights until it's essentially too late to get too deep into drink. My only downfall there is if I start to watch a movie!

I wish the Nal SEs were easier on you. You drew s short straw on that one, my friend. But maybe they'll ease over time -- who knows?

You're getting there!