Well, I'm sure I've posted enough now about my anxiety problems on this thread, so I'll try not to write much more about all that in the future, unless things change dramatically.

The beers flew down yesterday. I'm finding right now that with the greater clarity Nal brings I don't get drunk, I just get sleepy. Drinking's lost it's buzz and its headiness, and as long as I'm awake I can drink the stuff like water. Unfortunately once I've started drinking my age-old habit is to do just that until I pass out. While this isn't that beneficial short-term, it is very, very interesting.

So, about 16 UK units yesterday (just for the record, for the moment; I've explained already part of why i'm not that interested in units for the time being). It looks like being more than that today as I started with a lunchtime beer. It didn't go down that well, and just made me sleepy, but as soon as I was done I wanted more.

I'm happy where I am right now. I'm not enjoying the 'dead' emotional feeling on Nal terribly, but as far as TSM progress I am content. I believe I'm rapidly extinguishing triggers, which is more than one can manage on abstinence - then it's a case of struggling with them for life, no thank you!

8

Just for the record Thursday and Friday saw a total of 18 UK units each day, with about 14 on Saturday. Yesterday I got sick and had 1. Tonight has clocked in at 6 UK units (just to relax me after a tense couple of days).

12 UK units on Weds and 10 last night.

More glimmers! - the first drink is becoming harder and harder to polish off, and while the later ones slip down much more easily the drink has certainly lost its 'magic'. Lager seems to be just what it is - a not-particularly pleasant very cold, very gassy liquid. There is still something about its sedative effect I like, though, of course. It also seems easier to make a calculated decision to stop drinking at a point I choose.

After only a few weeks these effects may be part of a 'honeymoon' period, I understand. I hope not, but am prepared either way.

Those glimmers are always a good sign - something is defintely happening!

8,

I had noticed the "gassy" quality to my beer too- it seemed like it was foaming up before I could drink it. Of course the beer's just the same as it ever was, but our perception is changing, I think, to better match reality. Glimmers for sure!

Thanks so much guys

Glimmers for sure. Firebird, I earlier tried to take a great big sup from the can in my age-old way, and the stuff ended up exploding from my nose, mouth, the can - everywhere! Damn, this stuff is really fizzy! Amazing to think that tens of thousands of cans (and £s!!) in I just noticed that for the first time since I was a mid-teen

I forgot another glimmer last night, but a biggie. I went to play sports at a time that was already sneaking in to my precious evening drinking 'schedule'. That has never willingly been a happy choice of mine, ever. And I really enjoyed it

Got utterly carried away last night and ended up pouring glass after glass of wine down my throat until I forced myself to go to bed after around 20 units (as I had to get up 6 hours later). The result was a horrendous day today with massive multiple panic attacks when in London supposed to go to the international football match. I drank to try to calm myself enough to go (it was £40 a ticket and something I really wanted to attend, and as a carer for a disabled relative I get virtually zero benefits/income, so that's a big deal to me) but I just couldn't get myself calm enough.

So, home now, about 13 UK units in today so far, feel like ****, lost the money on the ticket, and what may be even worse so many gorgeous girls in town caught my eye (and me theirs in a good few cases) but I didn't even feel like I could strike up a conversation. There's not much consolation in being gorgeous, educated, and a thoroughly decent human being if life is always spent alone

God, I hate my life sometimes

Really sorry to hear the last couple of days have been so suckful for you. I used to get panic attacks too - so bad that I once went to the emergency room thinking I was having a medical emergency of some sort. I didn't even know what they were called, only that they were terrifying. I used to dispell they with a couple of beers when necessary.

No more though. I was getting a handle on that even before TSM. With me it was blood-sugar related, and I found some coping mechanisms to deal with it. The filter breathing exercise would be an example of such a mechanism.

As your "glimmers" turn to definite patterns of reduced drinking, I'm sure you'll find relief from the panic attacks (did Nick say that already?). I sure hop so, and sorry you're going through what you're going through right now.

And in the future no more missing out on the beautiful girls and football

Thank you so much Firebird for your empathy, it means a lot.

I'm so sick and tired of this anxiety I could scream, in fact that's probably what I need to do a lot of to let out all this pain inside. I've been to emergency a few times before thinking it would help, too. They get so bad I become convinced I am going to die on the spot. Now instead of wasting hundreds of pounds cumulatively in taxi fares to the nearest ER (where they can't really help and just give me sedatives) I take my sedatives with me. When they don't work I just try to think 'well, if I'm going to die here, I'll just die here' but that isn't a huge comforter lol.

Nick did say that, thank you I hope it's true, but I feel again like I may not last out too much longer on TSM, and will have to detox and return to abstinence. But, fingers crossed, because I know TSM could change my life if it works for me.

Can you please tell me any more about it being blood-sugar related Firebird? None of my doctors have even mentioned any possibility like that, but I've always had an unusual relationship with blood sugar levels that's never properly been investigated.

Maybe I should post on the thread for singlies here...but dammit I'm feeling bloody low and this is my thread so I will rant if I want!!! I like beautiful ladies, of course, but the inside truly is what I seek...I want my beautiful-hearted princess to be here at my side...at least sometimes (is once a year too much to ask??). And I should explain my comment about my own looks - yes, I'm good-looking, and I will boast about it if I want! I've never cared, and never been arrogant about it, in fact I never accepted it till recently, whatever people said. But right now that and being pure-hearted are all I have in the world, so I have chosen to accept it. I need something to keep going for and I have **** all else - no money, zero income, not my own home, my career has been torn to shreds. I just pray that at least as I'm nice looking and intentioned I may well meet a nice lady sometime...at the same time knowing I've gotta sort all this other crap out first.

sorry [/end rant] Ignore this post. No doubt I'll regret making it in the morning and try to myself!!

Personally, I see no need to erase such personal thoughts. Honest feelings, deeply held, are nothing to be ashamed of. You have A LOT going for you, aside from your Brad Pitt good looks. Your heart, intelligence and your sensitivity shine through your posts and this is what most women find attractive. Once you get this monkey off your back, I firmly believe the rest (career, women, etc.) will fall into place.

A handful of times in my drinking career I had the shakes after several days of binge drinking and thought I was about to drop dead of a heart attack. There is nothing worse. And I have noticed that the amount of anxiety is definitely related to how much I drink. Last night I tied one on and today I'm feeling anxious and it sucks. This has been a bad week for me personally as far as numbers go -- I'm on the roller coaster too.

Hang in there. I wish I could be of more help other than to say I feel for you. But I do -- I'm sure we all do here. And don't forget the "glimmers" -- they were real. Unfortunately you are on the TSM roller coaster ride where the improvement is not linear. These miserable times do not mean TSM isn't working -- it is, unfortunately the lows are part of the process.

My best to you.

Nick