Well, my darlings. I am about to call it. I feel that I am ready to place my alias: Ketchikan1's name on that coveted place in cyberspace-- The Cured List!!!!

Do you believe it????

I never would have, not in a million years. Yet, here I am declaring it so. It is 11:26 pm in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. It is past my bedtime, but I am waiting to capture footage of the Northern Lights which are supposed to make a grand entrance anytime now streaking boldly in the crisp, clear skies of another starry Alaskan night. They dance in vivid glory you know. It truly is a vision!

I care not to drink. Not at all. It is the very last thing that enters my mind. A cold beer, hot toddy, pina colada, pinot grigio, Jaegar, Schnapps, whiskey, whatever.... you can keep it. All of it.

I am no longer preoccupied by thoughts of drinking. Nor do I crave oblivion. The notion has simply gone with the wind. That fancy can no longer be tickled. The lure has no appeal. The thirst has long ago been quenched. It is plain, old water I swig down now. How 'bout it?????

I have experienced 10 days AF. And here's the thing: No matter how much I drink whenever I do choose to drink next does not matter. Because drinking alcohol is no longer a drive within me... it is instead a simple choice that I am now able to consciously make. That, my friends, is the difference between then and now. I have a choice in the matter. It is my sober self running the show now.

I remember writing nearly a year ago that I never (ever) put alcohol down first. On the contrary, it was always alcohol that put me down. My Modis Operendi was this: Hangover to tipsy to oblivion to fall-down to black-out to pass-out to awaken to repeat yet again...... My horrific but formulated fate.

I wonder how I survived my blatant death wish and self-inflicted torment. Why did I survive and not Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston..... and my dad? Curiously, I am writing this entry the day after my father's "Death Day" anniversary. He died from alcoholism 16 years ago yesterday. I found him there dead. Alone. Rum still in his kitchen waiting for him to drain it dry. Christ, when I hear ice cubes clink in a glass, it takes me back to his house hearing the soundtrack of alcoholism all over again.

What a shame had I followed in his footsteps.

What a miracle that I did not.

So I am writing this as perhaps a precursor to my final page. I know it is so damn cliche to say, "If I could do it...... well then you....... most certainly..... can...." Blah, blah, blah.

Still, for all of you out there wanting better, seeking clarity, needing peace, desiring normalcy... naltrexone worked for me. The Sinclair Method has been the perfect treatment for my alcoholism that I needed and wanted. Alas. Science is my Higher Power. Thank you Dr. David Sinclair. Thank you Dr. Roy Eskapa. Thank you Jennifer Hurlbutt for prescribing me Nal.

(Criminy. This sounds like an acceptance speech.)

It is.

I accept living the rest of my life unhindered by the talons of a gripping and dibilitating addiction. I accept choosing to feel purely-- unencumbered by layers of numbness. I accept that this program worked for me and I will share its promise with others I meet on my path who might be receptive. I accept.... I accept..... I accept.....

All that comes next.

Gratefully,

Laura North
Ketchikan1

Wow, Ketch - inspiring stuff! Let me be the first to congratulate you, as you have been such a huge help for me and many, many others in this community. The finish line is a few steps away, and you worked damn hard for this.


E-Lou expressed a similar sentiment in a recent post, and I think it is the ability to have this "choice" rather than "complusive need" to drink that really proves you've made it to the end.

I'm super excited for you, Laura. You earned this.

-H

P.S. I hope the Northern Lights were as amazing as the scene I was imagining. Good stuff.

Wow...SUPER WOW! What a wonderful post to hear from you. You really paid your dues, and now you've reached your goal. Before Christmas, you seemed discouraged but now it appears your Lizard Brain was just making one last attempt to find that damn buzz...to no avail! Nal has convinced Lizard Brain it's NO USE...NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

That is very poignant about your dad...we are so lucky to have TSM in this day and age...it's a whole 'nother story now, as you have proven.

I'm happy for you, for the peace & freedom you express...and I am wistful. However, my progress continues and I also have increasing patches of that feeling of peace, because I know it is happening for me, too. I hope you don't go POOF! for a while, but hang around to inspire those of us on the path.

best,
Chrissie

Hi Laura/Ketch

Good for you, my TSM buddy! Laura is such a lovely name and your posts have been so wonderful to follow. I am so very happy for you, even though at 14 1/2 months I do not have quite the same success. TSM has changed my life too and given me some degree of choice, but I can still be a total pisshead!
I expect that you are mostly AF b/c of where you are living?

You have been a total inspiration to me for the past year and I hope to hear more of your news. How's production? And the freezing cold? And are there any men in your life? How's your doggy? Of course you don't have to answer. I just wish you all the best. Take care of yourself and thanks for all your support.

Cheers from downunder
Sticky

P.S. Several of us have said it, but you really should be a writer - you have a gift with words...

Hi Ketch

Thanks for that (post on my weekly progress) and yes, you are so right. Health is so much more important than money. We have a wonderful friend in Sydney/Australia who at 67 only has a short time to live. I feel so sad for him & his family and am trying to feel very grateful for myself & my own family, despite whingy kids!!

You go girl, and will cut & paste this as you have been one of my greatest support people here..

Take care Laura

Cheers
Sticky

That's really, truly awesome. To come from the cycle of drinking-till-pass-out-and-repeat to choosing water and being comfortable is amazing, and if that isn't a cure then I don't know what is! I'm really happy for you

That's awesome news! Do you think being in an AF zone helped you over that final bump? I am so happy for you! Like you said, a few months back and you were wondering when. I guess you know, it's now!

Dear Laura/Ketch

I'm so very happy for you. Congratulations on your success. It is truly amazing that you perservered for 14 months, just amazing! You must feel like a million and I'm so grateful for your post. Very inspiring indeed.
Enjoy your sobriety, your work and your new life.....

Best wishes to you,

Wow, I really missed a lot! My god ketch congratulations!!!! I imagine this move to an AF area was the final hurdle. I am so happy for you. Just a word of caution (don't mean to be a spoil sport...) but of course as you know please keep nal on you - I imagine that you might want to drink a little whenever you get out of this frozen AF tundra of yours and I wouldn't want you to overdo it and feel bad about yourself.
CONGRATS! Wishing you all the best,
EL

Thanks everybody for your kind words and well wishes!

Electra, I do see that being here in this AF frozen tundra was the last push in the direction of sobriety that I needed. However, booze can be found here on the down low. I passed when I was offered a budweiser last night. For me, it took getting completely away from alcohol for nearly two weeks that allowed me to fully see that whatever and whenever I had been drinking alcohol, especially in the past 6 weeks-- it was out of sheer habit and not from that insipid craving that existed (monstrously so) pre-Nal that would and could not be quieted, ignored, nor stopped for a decade plus.

I listen..... truly listen.... for it to whisper its longing for shots, champagne, cocktails and beer. But I tell you true: The voice is nowhere to be found. And it is thanks to Naltrexone.

In my last entry, I failed to thank all of my TSM family members who have lovingly shared this journey with me. Gently guiding, sincerely caring, judging never, thank you for taking the time to walk beside me!

So many to name.... I think on my one year anniversary: March 1st, I will write up an entry poised for the Cured List and I'll name drop at that time.

Time, we all know, is the one thing we can never get back. Thank you for lending your precious time to me. I know it sounds like I am bidding you all and this forum farewell. In a way, I am inching in that direction. It's time for other, newer TSM'ers to meet, greet, acknowledge and guide the newest joiners.

Look for my last entry 10 days from now. And until then keep fighting the good fight and of course following the golden rule.

Best to you all,

Laura