Thanks Wort, I've not yet looked into baclofen or Ameisen's book, but I've not forgotten your post, something else that's on the back burner (damn, that back burner is getting quite crowded!! ) And thanks for the good wishes on my personal challenges, life really is just challenging anyway isn't it?

And thank you Jim for your post. I haven't read all the posts (and those I did I don't remember) about upping the nal, maybe I will go search the site here and see what others have done and their outcomes. I really need to get my whole mental thing to change, I know it would do wonders for me if I could manage it. But I won't give up! I'll hang in there. As for veggies (and herbs) , I have 3 lovely sweet peppers doing well , and 1 lonely tomato, but lots of basil, rosemary, cilantro and italian parsley. I love my balcony garden, it's a bit tough growing everything in pots only (the strawberries give me fits!) Glad your snowpeas are radishes are doing well!

petal

I am back from my vacation, it was wonderful seeing my mom and brothers, although younger brother's week-end starts on Thursday afternoon, so he was mostly drunk from then and even at the airport when I left on Sunday morning. He carries a flask and drinks rum on the sly, but it isn't on the sly because you can tell by everything! Anyway, for me I had 2 AF days while I was there, it's fabulous for me to be out of my element, I am such a good girl then! On Friday night I had 1 hard lemonade (my first ever, mighty tasty!). And on Saturday my older brother had us over for brunch where mom and I had 2 glasses of wine, then later that evening he took us all to a restaurant where I had 2 more glasses of wine. Only for the dinner was I able to take my nal, the other times I wasn't expecting to drink. I also wasn't expecting to drink at the airport, but my flight was delayed for about 3 hours, so I headed to a restaurant for dinner and ended up having 3 glasses of wine there (just to kill time and not lose my seat) without nal. But I am back on track now since June 30th.

I'm struggling of course, in all aspects of my life, the ex left on June 30th and I'm feeling pretty lonely and lost. It's a good thing I'm working nearly full time at this point, and trying to work on my store. But I'm still having my 2 nightly bottles of wine. I have no idea what to do. He goes home every summer to visit family and friends for 5 - 7 weeks usually, but this time it's 3 MONTHS!! And he considers this a vacation (easy to take long vacations when you don't work). He works the flea market and as soon as he had airfare and spending money he booked his flight. He's in France right now. He took his wedding ring along too, I know he'll wear it around his family as he doesn't want them to know I divorced him (I think they like me better than him!). And just like every summer he'll have his playmates and flings, and they'll follow him home in the form of text messages, emails and chats. I always find out, I always confront, he always just lies about everything and somehow I still let him stay. I don't know where to get the strength! It's still early and I have until Sept. 30th to do something, changing the locks won't work, all his stuff is still here. In the meantime I'm trying to concentrate on me, I'm working out more, dieting. I have such low self esteem, so I'm trying to 'fix' myself a bit so I have more confidence, which in turn should give me strength. I just wish I had more discipline to say no to the wine. Maybe in a bit of time, I usually miss him for the first couple weeks, then something must change because my friends and co-workers say I look happy. Well, this time is the longest he'll be gone so I have time to exercise discipline as far as drinking goes.

Sorry for prattling on, I tend to get chatty when I'm feeling distressed... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I haven't made any new progress. But, much to my surprise when I ordered my nal from River on June 21st, I had it in about 10 days, usually it takes weeks!

I have not exercised discipline at all or even tried to have an AF day or cut back, and of course none of this could have just happened naturally, sigh... I started 75mg of nal on July 9th and the only change is I'm incredibly tired after my first bottle of wine, I don't even feel like I have a real buzz, just tired, but then I get a second wind and on to that second bottle... I haven't tried chewing the nal as has been suggested to me. I've had a few pulverized pills from being in my purse that I've taken, and that didn't change anything (and they taste just awful!). I have an appointment with my doctor for my annual exam on August 30th, so 'this thing' (as she called it the last time I saw her) will come up. So my idea is to try very hard to have as many AF days as possible between now and then or at least cut back to one bottle a night or less so I can honestly say I've cut back. We'll see..... But I'm quite discouraged at this point, being only a month away from my 1 year TSM start date...

Oh Petal, I really feel for you It must be soo disappointing not seeing any results after this amount of time on TSM. Best of luck with your dr's appointment and trying to cut down on your consumption.

Well, here it is August 11 and I've managed 3 days AF last week, and mostly moderate on the rest of the days. Last night I had 3 glasses (about 5 - 6 oz each) of pre-mixed margarita's (Jose Cuervo 1.75L bottle with tequila already in it and alcohol content at 9.95%) and no wine. Monday night I had my 2 bottles of wine and 1 margarita and I was toast, whew! No more of that! I usually only ever drink wine but my friend and I met Sunday at the library to do some stuff and then off to lunch (no drinks there, just water!) and she told me that she drinks this so on our way home we each bought a bottle for ourselves. It's tasty alright (must be the triple sec I imagine) but I wouldn't last long drinking this on a regular basis. The margarita mix plays havoc with my stomach so can't drink too much of that, which is a good thing! As a matter of fact when I opened the fridge yesterday morning to get stuff to make my lunch and caught site of the bottle I got this wrenching revolting feeling in my stomach, a hopeful sign perhaps? Well, 2 more weeks before I see the doc and concentrating on more AF days ahead.

Hi Petal that is definatly a ppromising sign. I often get that revolting feeling when I see the bottle of wine in the fridge. It was so bad one day that I pushed the wine to the back of the fridge so that I wouldnt have to look at it. Still didnt throw it out though

Petal, muh dear, hang in there!
Do not fall on your Pitard!! (I love that expression) -

Girl - it will be ok. Go take that shower, take a pill, pour a non-alcoholic something and chill. Last night I chilled with several glasses of delicious tonic water...I am a Lo-carb/no-sugar/kinda gal...this morning I woke up all bloated and up 2 lbs...WHAAAAAA????? Seems I'd been drinking full sugared tonic w/ about 80 gms/cup the last 3 days!!! Holy Mother of Gaga!! Makes me sick just thinking about it.

Anyway - you are obviously having a hard time with things. Don't beat yourself up! I do that enough for more than enough of us on here. I am older than you and I am beating myself up for both of us so please stop.

You are a beautiful, intelligent, insightful, multi-faceted woman. You seem to have a drinking problem that is driving you crazy, like the rest of us. I believe it will be ok because we are among the lucky, fewer percentaged few who are acknowledging our problem and trying to do something about it. At least least that's my flimsy rationale -
:-))

Well.... it would be great to say 'happy anniversary' to me, but no. Today (ooops, I mean tomorrow) marks my 1 year I've been on nal, and I would seem to be in that 20% that it doesn't work for. Of course, I have to admit I didn't give it enough of an old college try, but try I did most times! I have not kept the best records, and I recorded how much I drank on a calendar and by my best calculations (missing lots of days after March) I did have at least 3 months worth of AF days throughout the year, my best month being January '10 at 25 days AF, followed by Feb. with 16, then March at 10.... and then I stopped keeping more accurate records. I see my doc next Tuesday for my yearly and I'll tell her things are going ok and I'm going to ask for a referral for a therapist, counselor, or whatever. I really think if I get my feelings about relationships in order I'll be much better off. I drink out of stress and anxiety and perhaps I always have, don't know! All I know is, between the wine and the nal I'm going broke... I still have 1 month of nal left so I will finish it off, (gosh, wouldn't it be great if at that 13th month mark I just,voila, stop!!) and then??? not sure....

Dear houtx, thanks for you encouraging words, made me smile!! Are you sure you're older than me???? I'm pretty old... but I do not know what a 'pitard' is, I can guess of course, but don't know where the word came from! Like you, I cannot drink tonic water or seltzer water as I blow up like a balloon! And yes, I continue to acknowledge my problem and will also continue to seek help for it. I don't think your rationale is flimsy at all! It's right on!

Thanks everybody for everything I learned from here and all your kind words and encouragement. But I know it's up to me to get myself, my drinking and my life in order, so my quest continues!!

-petal