hey Wolfie---- good post. your feelings of indifference toward drinking are very similar to mine right now. I COULD drink a lot of times, but it just doesn't seem as necessary or "woth it". keep it up!

Week 11

(0, 0, 3, 4, 5, 3, 3) ::: 18 Total

Continuing fine. I took a road trip this whole week. I flew out to Tahoe to visit a buddy I hadn't seen in forever. Then drove to San Francisco to see some other friends. Drank "normally" most every night. It's still quite weird to be "done" after 3 drinks and not need or crave more. I still love drinking and my buddy in Tahoe loves IPAs so we had a few each night. Even 1 bourbon nightcap, which might have lead to many more as my old self. But this time I sipped slowly enjoying the taste and focused on our conversation, then hit the hay at 11pm. The 5 drink night was me solo in South Lake Tahoe playing some poker over many hours. I switched to water around 10PM and didn't lose my mind playing deep into the night. Splendid.

No hangovers meant really enjoying the day time hikes and skiing. Not scanning for my next drinks meant being more present to catch up with old friends. This new confidence in having an easy time mixing alcohol with social stuff means I'm in a better mood, more funny and infinitely more present.

I told my SF friend about taking Nal. He was supportive and interested. Nice to have someone other than just my wife and therapist to know. They live in wine country and couldn't imagine never drinking and I agreed. He had no idea I had struggled in the past with drinking a bit too much. He said he gets that rush feeling when eating sometimes (he has a crap diet and eats super-fast) and wondered if it would block that feeling. I said I didn't know.

Otherwise, all good here at almost the 3 month mark. I wonder if I'll continue to taper or bounce back up in numbers or what. Seems like the "switch" hasn't flipped like some have reported, but I am definitely a fast responder like others, so who know... It's like being in the middle of a movie waiting for the plot twist to happen.



-Wolfie

I like it, Wolfie. This is sounding very good.

Guess we'll just have to wait to see what the coming months bring, but your response to date seems to be stellar.

Nal on!

===

Thanks Zontar, Joe6, ModeratedDrinker and Jaba.

Great point about drinking out of habit. It seems like behaviors and patterns are often linked together with people, places and activities. Last night I played in a friend's local poker game. I had ONE beer, but it kept feeling like I SHOULD have a beer in my hand. This is all habit speaking to my frontal lobes... not my cravings or urges. When I got home, I poured a glass of wine strictly out of habitual behavior. I didn't crave it like normal, but the momentum of so many past instances of continuing to drink at home after a poker game was the wind behind my sail. I only had one glass, and before it might have been 3-6 more, so I'm grateful.

If I were to get amnesia and somehow forgot my habits, I'm sure I wouldn't be drinking hardly at all at this point. One analogy is: when you switch off a large overhead fan in a room, it will keep spinning due to momentum even though it's not getting any more power. Often for a long time if the fan is big.

One more thought...
I want to talk about that core "thing" that makes people drink too much. That rush. That ahhhh. That yes. That "gotta have more." That warm feeling all over. That ... that, feeling. I've heard it described in so many ways. Drinking seem gifted with this thing in abundance. I wish this forum had a board where we can all describe and analyze that exact feeling we get when we drink. It's the thing that Nal seems to curb. So the delta between drinking with Nal and without it is that thing.

When drinking on Nal, something is missing. What is it? Why does that thing feel the way it feels? Chemically, it's just endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. But emotionally it's so much more. I'd encourage anyone who is interested in their own motivations and behaviors to analyze this feeling and what goes on in the mind and body when it happens... or when it's missing. I'm continuing to try and feel inward about it, but it's nebulous and fleeting and hard to describe sometimes.

Frankly, I think deeply knowing, understanding and controlling that feeling is the key to all of this.

Wolfie -

That is an interesting subject. I think one can get some mileage out of it beyond the journey with TSM as well. Right now I'm reading a book called "The Upward Spiral" by Alex Korb. It talks about what the different parts of the brain do, how it connects events and "decides" that present experiences are just like earlier experiences that got you going in a certain direction and how that relates to depression (although it could relate to anxiety too, for instance). Kinda helps me "look in from the outside" while still experiencing the stimulus. When you leave it over to your brain, it can kind of be like a pinball machine that's lost power. You can launch the ball, but the bumpers only work in a passive fashion and the flippers are useless, so the ball takes much the same path every time. Get the power back on, you can get some "play" going, have a different outcome and make the ball take the path you want it to take. So you're kind of stepping in and saying to your brain "This event is nothing like that other experience from way back when, don't be such a ridiculous lump of grey jello! Here, let me tell you what it's about for a change...". There's a certain sort of dignity available in that moment, a freedom to decide that just because something went one way before, it doesn't have to go the same way again.

Week -5*

Drinks:
(6, 7, 5, 16, 0, 9, 6) ::: 48 total

I'm hung over today like every day this week. I feel like my drinking is starting to rule my days (with consistent hangovers) as well as my nights. On Thursday I played poker with the guys and stayed out way too late, pounding shitty beers the whole night. After seeing the Uber receipt for 4:02AM the next day I was surprised how late I was out, because I certainly didn't remember coming home. I think I was making a lot of irrational bets and comments towards the end, but I can't be sure. But my wallet is empty.

The next day I was in bed all day and even threw up twice in the afternoon. My head was pounding all day and I had to take 3 Xanax to avoid having a bull-blown panic attack. I didn't drink Friday but Saturday I felt well enough to open a bottle of white wine around 5PM. I drank it all before the wife came home and we split another one and I had a couple beers on top.

Each night this week, I've snapped awake about 3:00 AM. I've been taking Ambien just to fall asleep. And I've felt so crappy when I try and put my head down on my pillow each evening. My stomach hurts. It was fun for a couple evenings earlier in the week when we met friends for dinner... for a little while. But I was lapping everyone else at the table, ordering extras from the waiter thinking no one was noticing. My wife did and even kicked me under the table. We had to call it an early night, and then I poured a couple of bourbons once home and fell asleep on the couch.

I feel OK most days, but barely. Good enough to get up and around, but with a solid head ache for almost the whole day. After I crack a beer or open a wine, all is better again. For at least a few drinks. We'll see how next week goes. Maybe I should search online for some ways to curb this behavior. I don't want to stop and can't really imagine a life without drinking. But this isn't working for me anymore. I don't think I have the willpower to choose to stop acting out on these immense cravings. I'll probably have to go to rehab in a few years. I wonder how bad it will get before then. Maybe I'll try to go a month without drinking? OK maybe a week? Who knows.... this sucks.

-----

*Flashback alert! This writing exercise was meant to remind me of a pretty typical week before TSM. I'm so glad this is not my summary for 7 days of life anymore. Two things really stand out here: sleep and anxiety. I have been doing great with both, and really don't miss waking up in the night and having trouble falling back asleep. Plus the low-level unease throughout the whole day was truly awful, and I'm glad it's mostly gone in my life now. I still take the occasional xanax but pretty rarely compared to the almost daily use I was doing before.

As I was re-reading some of my recent updates, I was thinking maybe a new reader was thinking this road for Wolfie is a little too easy. This was just a way to point out, that while I wasn't like some of the mega-drinkers on this forum, I certainly had my share of problems and TSM has dramatically changed a typical week for me. Sorry for the plot-twist, but wanted to share with someone who might be struggling how much better is can be when indifferent towards drinking.

-W

Brilliant post, Wolfie!

Weeks 12 & 13

(2, 0, 6, 0, 0, 2.5, 0) ::: Total 10.5
(0, 0, 8.5, 0, 0, 2.5, 0) ::: Total 11

Naltrexone is more and more just becoming part of life. I take it before I think I will want to have a drink. Wait an hour. Continue as normal.

The 8.5 day was a long session of day-drinking in the sunshine with friends at a beer garden, then wine at home then dinner out. I got pretty hammered (and felt crappy the next day) but was conservatively paced compared to the old me.

I recently described it as "installing new software." You just put the upgrade for your Operating System in and follow instructions, continuing about your life normally. But here's one recent observation: it won't solve all your problems. It has helped me greatly reduce my drinking which was my original goal. And frankly, where 80% of my issues were...

But I find myself having difficulty replacing the thing that drinking was doing for me. In the evenings, even though I don't especially crave alcohol, I get the sense I still want to "check out." I reach for the TV remote, my iPad, or even roll a joint more often. I think drinking was a way to cover up a sense of my personal (mild yet consistent) ill-ease in some way. I admit that I don't have trauma, depression, or some bad childhood but I definitely have some stuff going on I need to focus on. Therapy is helpful, sort of. But I still have a lingering sense of thoughts like... "I'm not living my most fulfilled life" and "I'll be happy when..." or "Life would be better if..." I yearn for more flow, fulfillment and satisfaction.

Nal and TSM may be a good scaffolding around my core to support me during this massive lifestyle change of reducing Al intake, but it isn't the total cure-all I was beginning to hope it would be. Drinking for some is as escape from some mega-issues. For me I was convincing myself "I just loved to drink" and "I was starting to drink more and more in my late 30s" etc. But perhaps the fog from drinking less and less is lifting and revealing some patterns I'm still not happy with.



But having said that, Nal is a goddamn miracle and seems to have helped with the most glaring issue I was facing.

You make some very good points, Wolfie. I think you're on the right track with that. I know I have some underlying issues that I have just thrown into the vat over the years. Alcohol kind of "hems you in" and the time is coming for me to learn some new life skills.