Sticky, the TSM Gods are powerful, and they are really jerking you around at the moment. I'm so sorry to hear about your rough patch, but that has to be good that you could share it with us and know you are heard and understood! Steady on...you've come a long ways, and we can ALL see your progress...I hope you can remember all of your successes, too!

Chrissie

Hi everyone

Thanks Nalway & Chrissie for your kind words. Things have gone from bad to worse for me lately. Went on another bender for close to 3 days Fri-Sun. Feel full of guilt, shame and anger at life in general. Told hubby that obviously TSM wasn't working for me and I would have to go back to being a boring alcoholic going to AA meetings! Of course he doesn't want that because his social life is better since I've been on TSM. Never mind that I still mostly can't stop when I drink. In fact it's got worse lately. Staying up half the night drinking then crashing on the couch. And now the benders and suicidal feelings. Feeling that I'm going slowly mad with all the drinking then the random texting which makes me cringe.

Maybe if I try not to drink at all for a couple of weeks I'll be able to think straight. Some sleep would help - am so over waking at 4am. Then just maybe if I only drink once or twice a week I might be able to pull this off. Don't have much faith at the moment.

I hope everyone else is having a better week.

Take care
Sticky

Hi Sticky,

I'm sorry you are having such a horrible rough patch lately. I like your idea about going AF for a time. I'm thinking that will be your very best bet and will help you gain perspective about what's going on with you. Also, I was reading the cured list yesterday. Seeking 1's story is especially inspiring, to me anyway. It took two years, and the last two months or so gave no indication that a cure was at hand. In fact Seeking 1 felt that things were getting much worse. So if you haven't already read Seeking1's story, that may inspire you to never give up hope. There is always hope my friend. It could very well be that you are close indeed to the end of this. Look at Ketch's story too. She was in quite deep right up to the end. But then out of the blue, after a forced period of abstinence, she is cured. It's so different for all of us. We all have our own way of getting through this. I have a birthday wish today and it's that Sticky finds her cure in 2012! Never give up....

Just keep going, one day at a time.....

oh sticky - i'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time. you have been so committed to this treatment for a long time and i know you are super frustrated. i agree with nalway about a period of abstinence. maybe it's what you need to throw you over the edge into control? i'm wondering if i need the same. i'm having a hard time getting more af days in a row, so i know it's going to take a real commitment. maybe we should fly and see ketch and or have someone drop us in the middle of nowhere with no booze? anyhow, thinking about you!

It will come! All my dreams have came true and I know this will happen for you too. Have faith my friend we are all pulling for you and I do see your successes.

Smiles, Zippy

Sticky, your TSM journey is a particularly hard one...I admire how you've stuck with it, girl.

That's good Nalwayout can refer you to Seeking 1's tale: I've not read it but it sounds completely relevant. Thats the thing: there are probably lots of people who were in the same spot you are in, that went on to being cured. It is Minneapolisnick's observation that anyone who has the honeymoon goes on to cure or gaining control. I read a thread recently of his discussing total "cure" - which he defines as total indifference to alcohol - vs. "regaining control". Plenty of people still over do drinking, but it is acceptably infrequent and not causing problems for them, which would be a happy compromise!

What about the idea of some AFs? In your experience, do you tend to come back to drinking then slowly after abstaining, or does it trigger ADE?

Another question for you: I've been wondering about your user name, and wonder where Sticky came from?

We're all pulling for you, and please post often these days, that is bound to help!

Chrissie

Hmmm...I've been thinking about you, Sticky, wondering about how many people have had similar long-ish journeys. Your frustration is understandable, but it would be a shame to give up w/o knowing that this is more common than we think.

An idea: you could start a thread asking about Longer Term Cures...Who is Out There?, or something along that line. It appears there are a LOT of people who read the forum and don't participate - or do so rarely. But if asked point blank, maybe a bunch of people would pop up and supply their own story and offer up some reassurance.

Chrissie

Sticky,

When I flew home from California yesterday I sat next to a handsome, polite young man from NZ - and of course I immediately thought of you! I ordered cran-apple juice and he said "what's that? I'm from New Zealand." (I wanted to tell him that the juice is also REALLY good with vodka, but that would be the old me talking, and I didn't want to inadvertently send him down the path I'm trying to get off of! )

Anyway, it's so fun to know that even though we on this forum haven't met, I feel like you're all my friends. We may know a lot more about each other than what some of our best friends know (especially in the case of folks like me who aren't sharing any of this with anyone else but the TSM forum for now).

SO, when I read your latest posts, I'm worried about you and just want to say to please keep trying. It can be a long, long process, but, as Chrissie points out, there are MANY folks on TSM who have taken a long point to get to where they want to be. I bet you'll get there, too, but you must keep trying. We are pulling for you, Sticky!!

- NipIt

Sticky, I've just caught up with your posts and I must say I'm worried about the tone of the last few posts. I hope you are hanging in there. I agree with Chrissie that it seems for some people, things on TSM got worse, way worse, right before the cure. I obviously can't promise that that will happen, but sticking with TSM doesn't really have too many down sides right now (if the other option is drinking alcoholically and/or AA and relapses). I hope I'm not being too much of an armchair psychologist, but it seems possible to me that you were getting frustrated and having a bit of a tough patch in life, and in feeling depressed and defeatist, you almost DARED yourself to see if you could beat TSM. It seems like a bit of self-sabotage perhaps. And we all know drinking thorugh the nal is possible. We all know that we might keep some alcoholic tendencies with us for life even fi we are "cured". Are you sure you're not just pushing your own buttons because you are stressed and/or feeling sorry for yourself?
I really hope that doesn't come off wrong - I sincerely hope you get yourself out of this hole ASAP and that TSM ultimately works for you!!!1

Okay, I was wondering that too, but as I'm also not a shrink and my situation is quite different from yours, I didn't want to say it. But it DID occur to me, and I sure recognize the part about "self-sabotage"...I'm an old hand at that, and in some ways, I'm pretty surprised I haven't done that w/ TSM!

BTW, maybe if you think a stretch of AF days would help, you could use your support & friends @ AA to help do that and then test the waters w/ Nal again...if you think some AF's would be a good thing, that is.

I think you can feel the love all around you, and concern...stay in touch, please.

Chrissie