I moved to half a pill and still didn't want to get up. It could be that I need to think about retirement. However, I now feel more awake after 30 minutes. I did well last night, still stayed about 4 drinks which is half.
I see a counselor, or I should say have seen a counselor, and she is wonderful, but she always makes me feel like I let her down. She really wants me to go to AA. She says lots of teachers and lawyers go to AA. Most of her clients are professionals, many in the medical field. She told me she doesn't put in that I am a drinker.
To get the Nal, my doctor stated in my records that I am an alcoholic. I called after the appointment to have it taken off my record. I didn't get a call back. I have to see my doctor every month to get the medication. I know he won't let me have it for the length of time I need it, so I will most likely have to go to Riverside. I go to see him again on Friday. I asked for liver tests, it was on that paperwork where I saw the words alcoholic. I am not having the bloodwork until the script is filled,and I will ask for another slip for bloodwork that doesn't state alcoholic. Also, I am afraid that maybe the liver levels will be high. I had it taken in January and it was fine.
Good luck to you. The people on this site are great.

Really upset with myself.... I've managed to keep my intake really low this week until last night. I realize that it has nothing to do with my own willpower or ability to say "no" to more wine. It's that when my husband is around,Ii know he's watching me and when he's watching me, I have to limit my intake. Last night he was at my step-son's soccer game until 7:00 pm, so I had a glass of wine at 6, then poured another at 7:00, right when he walked in the door. He thought it was my first. Then we had another glass at dinner that I stretched well into the night while I was reading my book. When he went to bring the garbage to the cul de sac, I poured (and nearly chugged) another half a glass of wine.

When he came to bed, I only had 30 pages of my book left, so I went out in the living room to finish it before bed. I also poured myself ANOTHER glass of wine. I didn't want it or need it, but I did it anyway. I'm so disappointed with myself. I realize that I need to get rid of the wine in the house that enables me to "sneak." I can't nip from the bottles we open together, because I know he's monitoring them. I need to get rid of the boxed wine we have... I bought it for a Pedal Pub excursion we hosted and it's the leftovers. If I don't have anything to pour, I won't pour it, right?

I know this takes months and months to work. I just wish I had a little more willpower. It's hard to feel proud of any progress when I don't feel really responsible for it. Ok... done venting for now. Off to bring my son to the orthopedic surgeon. When he dislocated his shoulder on Sunday, they think he tore tendons and muscles and his scapula (shoulder blade) is now poking through them. We need to see if that's the case and if he needs surgery...

MinneMom, boy does that sound familiar! I used to often have a second bottle of the same wine open on the second floor of the house so I could refill my glass and he would think that I was still on the same pour. Then I started hiding vodka upstairs because it was quicker and easier to sneak. I sometimes feel like I haven't made much progress, but I have. I don't even want to do that any more.

Get rid of the box of wine. It is too easy. We rarely drink white wine so I used to keep a box of white in the fridge for cooking, but I don't do that any longer.

try not to be so hard on yourself, you're not even a week in yet! TSM is a marathon, not a sprint. if you had the willpower you wouldn't be here in the first place

-badger

Minnemom,

What badger posted!

You can beat yourself up, or realize that is a habit that you have extinct. That is part of your drinking habit and you need to be able to accept it and move on. Guilt will not do you any good. You realized that it was an issue, and you are willing to do something about it. If it makes you feel better, so it does not happen again, then yes pitch the stuff that is causing you to sneak.



I hate to ask, but have you told your husband about sneaking drinks? Since your husband is working with you in this process, maybe talking to him about how you sneak drinks would give you away to figure out how to avoid this. It was hard for me to talk to my husband about this, and it did take a couple of weeks for me to let him in on my thought process and habits, but once I did talk to him about it I did feel a huge weight was off my shoulders. Now he does annoy me from time to time, but I know it is out of love and he likes how I am today (not drunk).

It does take month and months to work; however, the nal. will be your willpower. As long as you take your pill and wait that hour all else will follow. You need to remember that after the honeymoon period your intake will go up (and remind this to your husband). It is natural for you brain to want something that isn't going to happen and keep on asking for it. And until your brain is willing to accept that it is never going to come, your intake will go up. You just need to follow that golden rule and drink your wine as slow as possible (which it sounds like you have been...go you! ).

I think you are doing great and keep up the good progress,

Jaba

Thanks, guys! I needed that pick me up!

Deena - I will get rid of the boxed stuff just as soon as I can... Of course, growing up in a family of 10, I hate to throw ANYTHING out! Not to mention that my brain that is craving the stuff is saying... don't do it! Just drink it up and don't buy more! I don't want to make a big deal of throwing it out cuz I don't want my hubby to know that I've been sneaking it...

That leads me to your question, Jaba... no he doesn't know I've been sneaking it. He doesn't know that during the holidays when I would go into another room to wrap presents, I would hide a bottle of wine to drink from while I was doing it. He doesn't know that one of the reasons I don't hate doing laundry is that the boxed white wine is in the fridge in the laundry. He doesn't know that those tiny cans of Sofia sparkling wine that we get for his mom when she comes over have disappeared one by one and that I've replaced them. I can't bring myself to tell him. While he is in on the fact that I'm taking the Nal to help, he is still of the opinion that one should be able to "just say no" and stop drinking. It is still a moral and personal failing that I have a problem with drinking. If I tell him I've been sneaking, he will think even worse of me... Right now I feel bad enough about myself, I don't need any more! I just need to get rid of the stuff I have been refilling with. That will really help. Luckily, other than the occassional fun cocktail. I don't have a taste for the hard stuff. If I did, it would be MUCH harder to resist sneaking as we have lots of booze in the cupboard.

And Badger... thanks for the pep talk. I just wish I could feel about my alcohol problem the way people with other chronic diseases feel... Like "OK... I have this condition and I'm taking medication to help fix it." Instead I think, "OK... I'm a failure as a human because I have become dependent on alcohol and UNTIL I have my problem under control, I'm still a failure." I need to change how I think about all of this and I am trying...

MM

I did the bottle hiding, and the extra pours and all the other stuff you mentioned.

( always get screwtop wine, nobody's going to know that's white wine in my Mountain Dew bottle, if I drink a beer when she gets home, and keep drinking, she won't notice all the wine I was drinking all day etc etc)

I thought my wife didn't know, but she knew EVERYTHING.

It was a relief to stop hiding anything, and come clear about it all. She and I laugh about it now, but at the time, it was certainly no joke.

There shouldn't be any guilt about this, better to direct the energy towards fixing the problem, and it will be fixed.

Optimism !!

MinneMom,

You are not a failure! Do not think that, you were born this way. You didn't ask to have the gene that makes you an alcoholic, it just happened. None of us want to be here, and we all wish we had the willpower to over come this. It is no more your fault that you are an alcoholic than my mom having parkinson; she didn't ask for it, but she struggles with it everyday. Had you never drank alcohol in your life (like my husband) you would have never known that you had that gene, but you would have most likely have to watch one of your children struggle with this problem. But now you can warn them that it is possible for them to have a drinking problem, for they have your genes (of course warn them when they are of age).

I struggle with the fact that I have past this gene onto my children, for I want no one to have to feel helpless and hopeless; however, now I can give them a direction if this happens to them thanks to TSM.

I understand you not wanting to tell your husband about the sneaking, for like I said it took me a couple of weeks to open up to my husband and it was hard for me. I could tell he did not realize how bad I was. He suspected, but it was still hard for him to take. I think that is one of the reasons he is "making sure" that I follow that golden rule, and he will stop me from over indulging (there was only one time that I wanted more than my limit and we were out of town and I couldn't sleep because the mattress was keeping me up--a trigger of mine not being able to sleep).

You are so early in the game, and you do need to relax so you can try to feel the nal. working. Those sneaking times will go away, and you intake will slow down. You will get control, for it is only a matter of time!

I agree with Guapo, no guilt! Work out a plan to fix the problem and move on. I hate wasting things as well, but if it is bad for you (which it is) pitching it isn't that hard...


Jaba

MM I think you can actually consider the evening a very good cue-filled environment for your brain while on Nal.

Extinction is a process that requires more than just time and exposure to alcohol. It requires extinguishing, individually, all the environmental cues that signal to your brain that it's time to drink (or keep drinking.)

TSM is a simple process for lab rats. But thank goodness you're not stuck in a box with a choice of two levers to push. You're a human in a complex physical and social environment. If your husband's absence is a cue to drink, then sneaking drinks in his absence while on Nal is going to start the extinction process in that context. That's a good thing. It sounds like that's one of your powerful cues. (I see people often call them "triggers" but I'll stick with the term cues because that's more inclusive of all the wide variety of stimuli that signal our brains to choose a behavior, everything from red light/brake to screaming spouse/drink.)

When I have a horse that's afraid to load into a trailer, I will train him to load in a safe familiar place. When he's not afraid to load there, I'm far from done. I have to move farther from his safe place, down to the end of the driveway, and repeat the process. Then down to the end of the road and repeat it. Then repeat it at a different barn. By this time, his brain is beginning to generalize that the trailer is a safe place, BUT, if I want to be sure he's rock solid, so I know I can load to evacuate for a forest fire, then I have to go further and load him in the dark. Load him in a thunderstorm. Load him in every possible environmental context I can do it, because when the sh*t hits the fan, on the side of an interstate highway in an emergency, his fear is going to be recovered very easily. I need to extinguish his fear in all sorts of contexts.

Hiding and guilt aren't just emotions, they are environmental cues for your brain. Subtle facial expressions in other people may cause a cascade of emotions, cues, and then behavior that was previously reinforced by alcohol. Now you are experiencing the same cascade of cues, doing the learned behavior, but not it's being reinforced in your brain on Nal. So it begins to extinguish in that context.

So good for you. Consider yourself in training.

I used to train in every single type of weather, because you never know what will come on race day.