Whole30 off to a good start yesterday - of course I did not have an AF day. It's such a weird thing. I was absolutely NOT interested in drinking but did anyway - mainly because it's been so long since I was AF that I'm sort of afraid of what it will feel like...what a mess!!!

I do remember when I first had AF days in the past how great I felt in the morning and how glad I was that I'd not had any alcohol. So just reaching out and grabbing that feeling is what I must try to do.

Today I'm off to the eye doctor to check out a tear in my retina. Happened last week. I woke up and noticed flashing lights in my left eye for a little while - it went away but I noticed lots of new "floaters" - one quite large. I didn't go to the doctor right away but when I did see him next day he had a fit!! Said it's a retinal tear and must be seen to right away. Of course it's only today that I can get to see the eye guy. So be it.

It will just be a quick laser repair I'm thinking. Kind of a wake up call though - getting older! What's going to fall apart next????

BUT this will be a good excuse to have an AF day today because he's going to freeze the eye I guess and I'll be sort of afraid to drink in case it does something weird to my eye....fear is a good motivator

Whole30 going well with one exception - had some dairy last night before bed - yogurt - oh well back 100% today.

Posterior vitreous detachment is what the eye doc diagnosed yesterday so no retinal tear - good thing. Gotta just watch for more flashes or more floaters as this may make me more susceptible to retinal tears in future. This is a feature of aging...we're all going to get there - and I'm here

NO AF day yesterday. I was given an Ativan at the eye doc to relax me while he poked and had his fat fingers in my eyeball (ooowwieeee!!) and I was mighty relaxed by the time I got home at 6:30 pm - but I was stressed out inside - so what do we do when we're uptight? Well we reach our little hands out and pour As well my judgement was totally gone...so I had two glasses. Needless to say I slept like a baby!! I know myself so well that I had taken a naltrexone around 3:30 pm before we left for the eye guy....so I guess another extinguishing day - not so bad.

Going to Mass tonight so it will be a forced AF. Not anticipating any problems with that as it's just what is required before Mass and I'm fine with it.

Not so hot today - yesterday was 90 and very windy. It's so brown and dry everywhere - we sure need some sustained rain. DH will not water the lawn so the garden looks sad - even the trees are drooping.

No AF days other than that first one but tonight will be another one as it's evening Mass tonight. I've been doing a lot of thinking of how my own will has to have a part in all this.

My original intent is to drink appropriately. Drinking every dinnertime in order to "get stress relief" is not appropriate drinking in my mind. For others it may be, but in my life there are other factors involved that tell me pretty clearly that drinking every night is not appropriate.

The fear of how I will suffer stress between 4 and 7 - sober - is what stops me from every night being a natural AF night. So how will I ever know if it's possible to suffer through this feeling if I don't experiment with it?

Why is that fear so strong? I use unhappiness as a reason that I get uptight in the late afternoon. And this particular situation cannot change. The old saying that only my attitude to what happens can change is true - but it seems too difficult.

I'm trying to think back to the winter when I had a nice long stretch AF. I started on Jan 2 and was able to make it to March 30. Then one dinner party I had a glass and that was it. The week before the dinner was extremely stressful and I just about went nuts with stress - like I always do.

So, ok, I get very stressed at times, and I'm just plain stressed every day. And alcohol certainly does relieve that stress. That leaves me with a bleak future of drinking every night. If I could be elsewhere every night - just not here - I would not drink a drop. Something has to change as this whole business drives me crazy. I'm so sick of thinking about booze, whether I'll drink or not, making resolutions in the morning then by 4 I'm popping a naltrexone because I KNOW I'm not going to be able to resist that "relief." But what the heck is this all about?

I've got to do something. So my own reasoning has to come to the rescue. Naltrexone is a wonderful tool, and I know it works, but I also know there comes a point when it's ME that has to take action - or in this case NOT do something.

So tonight an opportunity not to drink - a natural one as there's Mass. Tomorrow will be impossible because DH will be drinking and come home probably acting like he always does - stupid - which makes me so stressed - and Sunday is also impossible for other reasons.

So Monday will have to be the start of a string of AF nights. That's a plan. Another part of the plan will be to use a different glass from the one I usually use - and to measure 4oz each drink - of the two I have. And see if that makes a difference Saturday and Sunday - to set me up for more strategies on Monday and beyond.

I want this. I'm capable of it. I know this from past experience. So.........

"The fear of how I will suffer stress between 4 and 7 - sober - is what stops me from every night being a natural AF night. So how will I ever know if it's possible to suffer through this feeling if I don't experiment with it?"

I hear you on this point. I get the same feeling. A nervous, twitching sensation that the night will be unbearable without a few comforting glasses of wine.

I've been forcing myself to do more AFs recently and I'm surprised to find that evening passes easily, even pleasurably. The anticipation of negative AF consequences seems to far outweigh the actual experience. Now I'm using this knowledge as a tool to give myself courage to do the AF. Then in the AF evening, when I'd normally be drinking, I make a conscious effort to be self-aware... a sort of zen/yoga thing where I pay close attention to how I'm feeling. And generally I feel very good.

It helps to have a nice way to pass the time. I've been watching some great documentaries and sewing (I love to have my hands busy).

I've been using the same strategy to deal with the fear of not sleeping well on my AFs. I focus on the moment, on how it feels good to be clear-headed and not stink of booze and cigarettes. When I go to bed, I focus on how good it feels to be horizontal and cozily tucked into my bed. I accept that I may not sleep well and resolve to enjoy the quite and dark room and my comfortable bed nonetheless. With this mindset, the stress disappears and I usually drift right off to sleep.

Sorry to get all new-age/hippy on you, but I find that these mindfulness strategies really do help.

Bunton, I like your whole post - but particularly this part: you're accepting that change is going to be uncomfortable, but it's okay, and doable. It sounds like you're really doing very well! BTW, what kind of sewing do you do???

I'm enjoying the conversation between you two "thinkers". Well, "thinkers" and also "feelers". And I'm glad to hear the new-age/hippy mind set is still alive and well w/ 30-somethings.

Revert, don't be too hard on yourself - you're early on, after all - and the determination to have a whole string of AFs next week is pretty ambitious...one AF at a time?

As for me, I'm outta here for about a week - vacationing in a little cabin w/ no cell service and no wifi! Which will be pretty cool...reliving the low-tech life. You all BEHAVE, okay?

Having an AF night tonight. I'm so thankful!!! I've been praying for grace to do this and for the strength to "just do it" too and I did it!!!

I must say I felt like hitting DH over the head with something as he was really bugging me at dinner time and he poured himself a glass of wine and was gabbing on and on and I felt really self conscious but I got through my meal and left the table right away and got busy doing something else. Whew!!!!!!

It's not his fault, poor thing. But this weighs so heavily on my mind - I just wanted him to shut up and go away so I could have some peace to have my AF time by myself....so stressful. I felt he was watching me...of course he wasn't at all. Tomorrow will be better I'm sure. We're going to be out for dinner with two priests who are visiting. DH will take them for a tour of the area then we'll meet up for dinner. It will be very easy not to have a drink as we'll be in a very busy place for dinner - busy buffet place - and I won't be self conscious - so that will be a great opportunity!!!

So sad to see a name from the past - Q - is back after an unfortunate relapse. But I know he will have great success with naltrexone once he gets going again. Same thing happened to me so we all must be so careful. Once we reach our sober place we have to stay there!!! And I was sober for 10 years - and here I am with all the stress and struggles and hopelessness. But I know with prayer and courage I can get there again.

AF tonight but feeling really crabby - no real reason but I'm wondering if I'm feeling resentful - or it could be I'm missing the feeling of alcohol in my system at dinner time? Whatever it is I felt it last night too - just out of sorts and cranky. But it does feel good to be AF.

AF tonight and it's fine. Not crabby tonight. DH out for dinner so I did my own thing and was happy for some peace. I'm taking .50mg Topamax mornings and .50mg in the afternoons and it's helping me be AF. The side effects are fatigue and itching around my face - but it's not bad enough yet to make me stop taking it. I'll stay at this dose for awhile. It is just helping enough to make the AF effortless for now. If craving or difficulty comes back I'll up the dose a bit.

I'm not going to count AF days as I don't intend to drink. DH's birthday is coming up in August and I may get sort of stuck then to have a glass - but I'll take a nal and have one - if I can avoid it I will - but not going to worry about it. I intend this process to be natural and peaceful. The less worry and struggle the better. Worrying and counting and craving are BAD things!!! The stress of it all just makes me want to drink - so enough! Lots of prayer and asking God for help and strength is the key for me.

Been struggling lately - "reverting" to the usual two glasses of wine at dinnertime - this is driving me insane. Having thoughts of just giving in and not even trying to quit. Why do I even bother? So many people would kill to have this kind of control. But for me this is no control at all if I can't do without the two.

I'm sitting here at 11 am and I'd like to have a drink right now. This is what a craving is right? I'm not even sure if this is what a craving is. But it must be as I'm thinking about drinking and want one....I want to drink...why? My life is boring...DH is driving me nuts...I wish I was alone so I could have peace and quiet...I want to think in peace...but in reality he doesn't stop me from doing what I want, I just feel self conscious and that he's looking at me, and somehow that drives me crazy...when I reach for the bottle at 5pm I feel very exposed and guilty and I feel that he's judging me...when I ask him if he wants one he hesitates like he doesn't want one but he always says yes...and that makes me feel guilty because he's sort of forced to have one because I'm slavering over one and he sort of goes along...

Last night the second glass sat next to me on the end table and I sort of forgot about it while I finished my dinner - we were watching a movie. I could have done without it - so I know naltrexone is doing its job. But I drank it. Tonight is a reprieve as we go to Mass at 7pm - so no booze before. This will be effortless too which is just so weird. If I can do this on Mass nights why can't I do it every night? I just can't seem to think about going through my life without booze...guess I'll to take my .50 Topamax now and make sure I keep up with that - side effects are not bad yet but I'll have to suffer through them again - got to keep it up as I was able to have almost 3 months AF with the Topa.

So one day at a time.

Revert,
Do you have a hobby? The reason I ask is because I am not a good person when I am bored. When I am bored I will drink just for something to do, I can be a bit high strung. Being an expat, I am away from my cars and my hobby so I have to come up with something to keep me occupied or, I drink. So after my last arrest and starting TSM, I have begun biking, taking on-line classes, and have gotten further into the habit of reading my climate blogs. I tried to remove all the alcohol from my house which wasn't a big hit with my wife and daughter, so I still have that temptation. I have also gotten back to dieting and trying to look like a person should that works as hard in the gym as I do and drinking doesn't fit with my diet which gives me another reason not to drink.
I don't know what the answer is for you, but filling that drinking time with busy time may be the answer you are looking for and may help reduce the anxiety and stress you feel.

Keep up the battle, I think you are doing great!

Eric