HiYa Hess!

Haven't chatted in awhile, I love your insight and honesty! I had a rough patch too a couple of weeks ago 54 this was a week without the nal. I have bounced back and did find a break through. Don't know exactly what it is yet, whatever I'm taking it and not trying to think about it too much. Sometimes we can beat anything to death with our thoughts, I figure it's best to just take it for what it is. You're worth every minute having so much to give.

Smile, Zip

Hi, Hess! Hope all is rocking this week! Thanks for the congrats, it means a lot to me coming from people who know where I am coming from.

Looking at your numbers, I don’t think you are that far out. It’s the binges. Those seem to have a psychological aspect. I think some of binging is situational. Also, I think this last big extinction burst might have you on the downhill slide because your numbers are low. I hope this week is even lower! Cheering for you!

Tonight, I had a conversation with a relative who is having a problem with the sauce, too. He drank several handles of rum on a bender. We spoke at length, I explained TSM and he balked when I said, “It isn’t a cure. It’s about harm reduction. And it’s for life. It’s like taking an allergy pill before mowing the grass.”

Nal on!

Hi guys - thanks for checking in with the kind words.

HF - I think I am getting close, but this (hopefully) last rise on the rollercoaster has been very challenging - mentally, physically, emotionally.

Week 35 is wrapped up, and it was my weirdest week of TSM yet. I say weird because my overall total wasn't very high, yet I was getting hammered on amounts of booze that would normally be considered an "easy" night. I think my tolerance has taken a huge hit over the past few weeks, and I'm still trying to get a handle on how to manage it. Also, my Nal-overs are reaching epic levels of awfulness.

Mon - AF
Tues - AF
Wed - AF
Thurs - 6.5
Fri - 9
Sat - 8.33
Sun - 7

Total - 30.83/3 AF

Pre-TSM, that 9-unit night on Friday would've been a low-key Tuesday. I would barely be buzzed on that total. These days, 9 units absolutely pummels me. I completely blacked out and can't remember walking home from the bar at all. The receipt in my pocket suggests that I pulled a typical Hesster and paid for everyone's drinks, leaving a 400% tip for the bartender. At some point during the night, I got up and peed on my futon (thankfully, I have fool-proofed most of my furniture, so there was no harm done). I spent almost all of Saturday alternately vomiting bile into a trash can and trying to sleep off one of the worst hangovers I have ever had. On 9 units??? That sh*t is crazy.

I was able to pull myself together enough to go to a Cinco de Mayo party, but the first thing anyone said to me when I walked in was "Good God, your eyes are so bloodshot. What the hell happened to you?"

No more tequila for awhile.

I need to string a few AF days together to clear my head, since I am still hurting. Also, all I've had to eat over the past 48 hours was a banana pancake, so I look like Christian Bale in "The Machinist." Stunning.

Sorry to be so brief this week, but it's been more of the same for me lately.

-H

Interesting that your tolerance has been so wiped out. I have been noticing mine diminishing, but I'll still handle nine units pretty well. I have noticed that my hangovers are worse when I drink after a couple of AF days. If only there were a way to keep those cytochrome p450s cranking in the liver without drinking

Now, there's a vision...SCARY.

Hess, once again your post is positively scratch'n'sniff in its vivid detail and makes me appreciate being OLD. I agree the binges sound like the main problem at this point for you, so this diminishing tolerance and capacity is bound to be helpful...albeit, in a PAINFUL way Keep taking that Nal, and your progress will continue!

Keep your boots on the trail, Hess. It does look like you're in a weird and winding part of the path but you'll get there.

Hi all,

Here's the lastest dispatch from Week 36 of the rollercoaster:

I'm continuing these ridiculous up-and-down swings, but fortunately this week was on the downward slope. I posted at total of 13 units with 3 AF days. While I've posted lower totals with a greater volume of AF days in past, those weeks were always victim to one big binge. This week I didn't throw back more than 5 units on any given day, which I believe makes this the first week of my TSM career that creeps under ULMD guidelines (this isn't a goal for me, but I still found it noteworthy).

Mon - 4
Tues - AF
Wed - AF
Thurs - AF
Fri - 5
Sat - 2.66
Sun - 1.33

Total - 12.99/3 AF

One thing that I noticed this week was that I find myself not looking forward to events where I know drinking will be encouraged. A good example was Friday night, where I had a work function that usually turns into a sh*tshow of beer, weed and Louis C.K. stand-up. This time I debated going because I honestly didn't feel like drinking and I know people would've gotten on my case if I wasn't hitting the sauce. I found this mindset to be both good and bad...

Good:
- This demonstrates that alcohol continues to lose its allure.
- I was looking forward to having a low-key, AF night.

Bad:
- Normal people should look forward to a fun, moderately boozy night with co-workers.
- I found myself being apprehensive because I was a tad worried that I'd set myself up for a binge, which would inevitably occur when I got home after crushing beers at the work function. So I clearly feel there is still some risk to drink compulsively.

Regardless, I sipped leisurely at Sam Summer drafts and didn't come close to overdoing it.

I also suspect that this week was very low because I didn't have any other opportunities to go out and get weird, since I spent the weekend either in the lab, watching the Red Sox/Celtics or visiting my parents.

Not much else from me this week. Hopefully I can keep this steady trajectory.

-H

Hi there,

As usual, I enjoy your thoughtful self assessment, and wow! what great numbers. Looks like the roller coaster is flattening out for you quite a bit. Of course, your interests are bound to change some with such a major change in your life, but I'm sure you're still fun at parties! Heck, you're fun to READ, so I'm sure you relate well in person, too.

Hi all - here's a quick update for Week 37.

I finished with a total of 27.16 and 3 AF, which is just about average for me. The only real notable from this week was a mild binge on Friday night when I stayed up until the wee hours watching awesome Fitz and the Tantrums performances on YouTube.

For three consecutive nights I ended up pouring out my final drink, which was a little strange. I challenged myself a bit this weekend and bought a handle of Beam (which is usually TSM kryptonite), but it honestly didn't have the same magic. I haven't been going out much at all over the past several weeks, so my drinking has almost exclusively been at home - which I finally got around to cleaning* over the weekend. It was getting bad, people. Real bad.

*Suprisingly, I was much better about keeping the place tidy when I was drinking my face off, because cleaning was always an excuse to reward myself with a tasty beverage...or 12.

Mon - AF
Tues - AF
Wed - 5.33
Thurs - AF
Fri - 8.83
Sat - 7
Sun - 6

Total - 27.16/3 AF

On the personal note, I have a job interview with a fairly prominent university in the Chicago area this week, so Operation Relocation has been moving along. Wish me luck.

Thanks for reading!

-H

Hi Hess! Been a while since I read your posts but I'm glad to see that you've been having some success of late - that 13 unit week last week looks GOOOD - pretty much what I would like all of my weeks to look like
I know exactly what you mean about not looking forward to drinking events and feeling ambivalent about that. I am still stressed/worried about overdrinking, so even though part of me looks forward to social events and drinking, part of me is also on "control" mode and really nervous about it. It kind of ruins the fun...except when I drink too much and let loose. But that runs the fun the next day :/
I'm not really sure what to do. Nal isn't really making alcohol lose its appeal for me, I still like drinking and I still like getting drunk, I just am more in control of both of these things (generally). But I would like to move my life away from such drinking-centric activities in general but it's all wrapped up in a ball of stress and ambivalence.
Good luck this week and with the interview!!