Nothing is easy for you eight now , but don't make it worse by feeling guilty , it's tough on your Dad I'm sure . But it is never bad for us to help others .
Anyone you know can be called on to help , don't feel bad about that youare very sick ,
and if you have any doubt ask if you'd willingly choose what you're going through . If it's not
an illness it's certainly a condition and guilt creep should be stamped out , we all get it .

I'll pray for your miracle .
In short term the diazepan will help . I hope you did call virgil too.
You'll make it through to the Baclofen . Take care .

Dear 8,

I am more than happy to listen to you and I want to help. You and I are in similar boats and you are not "a weak individual crying out of self-pity". One day, I may want to turn to you for help and, with your agreement, I will do just that. It's a little too late for me to try to help you this evening (it's now after 10:00 pm) but feel free to 'phone me tomorrow anytime between midday and 9:00 pm. You will not be troubling me at all. I repeat - I want to help.

Please, please, please - pick up that 'phone!

V.

8

I have read your prious posts and can tell you a very good human being. Sending your elderly father out to take care of you...what does that make you? A person who has a medical disease and is sick and also a person who is VERY LUCKY to have an elderly father to help you. You are not pathetic not some low life. I am sure if you were not addicted to alcohol you would not be so low in thought and spirit. I am praying the Baclofen works for you my friend.

I have been right where you are in terms of thought. I had all the suicidal thoughts. One time I loaded my .38 put five bullets in spun the chamber, put it to my head and yanked the trigger. Nothing. It scared me not dying but the fact I am catholic and it's a mortal sin and I was guarenteed hell. I alienated all of my family and friends sat in my house and drank and wished I was dead. I hung ropes up in a noose and stared at them left guns loaded and out and stared at them thinking if I was a man I would end all this bullshit called my life now. And like what your saying about your Dad I also felt I was a pethatic peice of crap because of all the hell I was causing my loved ones and thought it would be better if I was gone...Sorry it would have hurt them more if I did it and I am glad I didn't.

What caused all this wacky suicide thoughts was booze and lots of it. I know the endless cycle of drink depression halfway sober up and repeat the cycle all over again. I know this my friend HANG ON. Something will work for you and once you can get the beast at bay your thoughts will dramtically change.

I know folks telling you you are not a bad person are like yeah ok you don't know me...MAN I HAVE BEEN THERE...That was my thought ..ok you don't know me..yeah finanocially I did ok and all the outside bs but the real me is a crazy Drunk who wants to die and hurts all around him. MAN I wish I could give you something that worked just to help get you out of that FUCKN NIGHTMARE ALCOHOLIC DEPRESSION THAT THE BEAST CAUSES. I sent you a PM if you need to talk...take me up if you need it.

Thank you so much my friends, but I refuse to trouble anyone here by phone. My local doctors must help me, I am in very bad way here.

Dear 8,

I will not give up! If you are uncomfortable about 'phoning me, then please get in touch with The Samaritans. A few days ago, you were unhappy about this suggestion but I now feel that it would be of benefit to you. Please, don't hesitate - contact them NOW!

Take care, my friend.

V.

Dear 8,
Shame is very toxic so beware. If you had cancer, or acute diabetes, or some other acute illness, would you look at yourself and your needs the same way? Yes, no one forces you to drink, but right now the addicted part of your brain is in control, not you. You are not the miserable addict you feel. You, the real you, is loving presence. The addiction is like a space suit that you live in. It's not the real you. So, if you can, don't be so trusting of your thoughts. Many times our thoughts can't be trusted because they come from our primitive, animal brain, not our rational brain. And NEVER trust your thoughts when you are drunk or hung over. When I was able to remove the shame from my illness, and see myself as someone sick and needing help, just like a cancer sufferer, I was able to get better because I was willing to accept help. I once read something like this: if you were your own beloved pet who was ill, how would you see and treat that pet? Do the same for yourself. You are a survivor, if you weren't you wouldn't be posting. Hang in there. It will get better.

Thank you so much my friends. I am not in a position to give your incredibly kind (and OH SO TRUE) messages the responses they deserve right now, but please know I am incredibly grateful and have taken each and every one of your wise words to heart.

I will indeed call the Samaritans now.

I've received confirmation that my Baclofen order has been posted. It will take 7-14 days. I can hold out for that long, but it will not be a comfortable time, unless my GP is prepared to issue enough Valium for me to get off the booze (I reckon the first day I would need about 15mg - twice my routine dose) but I will put it to him.

I found a website that can legally prescribe it to you from within the EU. This would stop me having to send my severely disabled father out to get prescriptions for me. Unfortunately they only take payment by American Express, and I do not have one.

Today is my beloved nephew's first birthday. I will not be able to see him, nor give him his present, otr even a card. I don't blame myself for this. I have a disease, and also am not a strong person, able to fight my way through it. But I know I have many other redeeming features, which when I come out of this mess will come to the fore.

The only thing which is quite regrettable has been asking my father to get my booze these last few days. THe streets have been icy, and I worry about him going out alone anyway. I should have organised ANY other alternative than asking him to bring me bottles. I suppose I am in the grips of a mad disease right now, though, and that's just about as mad as it can get.

The only way IS up! And that is the way I hope (and pray) to be headed.

Thank you so much my friends.

eight

Dear 8,
I haven't been able to spend much time following other's posts during the holiday, but this morning am reading yours. We are about 8 hours difference, so it is into the evening in the UK where you are. I hope on this day you have reached out to someone you can talk to. At the very least, glad your friends here are helping you if only via the keyboards.

When you say you are "housebound" does that mean you have debilitating anxiety that keeps you inside & unable to drive, do things, etc? Or are you physically handicapped? I'm sorry to ask such a personal question, just not sure how you mean it.

I too, encourage you to "hang on" in whatever way you can. Don't beat yourself up and continue to post here if it helps even in a small way. The clouds will part, they always do, so be strong and wait it out. You seem to be one of the ones NAL works for, in spite of your other issues. That should be a HUGE positive and I hope you will continue to realize the changes there. Sounds like you have many compadres with Virgil, Crown, Jim & others. All with similar, incredible stories & always amazing to me!

Again, be strong, I am thinking about you and hoping this day was a better one.

XO

Dear friend, I have no-one I can talk to really. I could phone helplines, but what is the point when they don't know you from Adam? Of course, If I ever became suicidal I would do so, but fingers crossed I will never reach that point.

Yes, my debilitating anxiety had me almost housebound for a week before I descended back into 24/7 drinking. I truly believe that TSM has worked for me on the endorphin level, but that my anxiety means that eventually I will drink to sedate myself. As I wrote, my GP and myself were hoping to reduce my use of sedatives (diazepam 10mg + a day, down to 8mg a day), but unfortunately that effort came at the same time that my beta-blocker was changed from one that has anti-anxiety effects, to one that merely targets my arrhythmia. That is why, I think, my use of diazepam increased, and why I have relapsed into 24/7 drinking

Thank you so much my friend, I have indeed met incredible people from this site. Some of them are directly helping me to keep going right now, but all of them and you, without exception, are precious.

eight

8

Glad to see your still posting. Time heals all and it will pass. In the interiem Hang Tough during the hermit phase..man I know the hermit phase...I ony left the house once per week at night for smokes and booze...LOL this is where I was at...I was thinking of telling the trashman I was disabled, and asking him to get the cans off my back porch and then strike a deal with him to bring my "supplies" - booze, smokes and bread eggs and noodles - once per week and paying him for the service...I never went that far but man I was close.

hey at least you got your Dad there and he drinks - Not saying this is a good thing but you have some company that "Understands"