Love you guys!! Do you realize that you people are more aware of my true self than my parents, siblings and friends COMBINED?!?!?!?! You guys are my true kindreds and I eternally thank you!

I am currently losing the rounds in the ring boxing my alcoholism. Last night is a prime example. There was a fundraiser at the bar above which I dwell. The Potlatch was raising money for the bartender's son who had a freaky accident on his four-wheeler a week ago. He was med-a-vac'ed to Seattle. That little helicopter trip (ONE-WAY) will cost $75,000! But there are major face surgeries also that must be done for this 29 year old bloke's face to be recognizable... Golly, how one moment can change but EVERYTHING!!

Anyhow, I racked up some 13 units during the course of this event. I am the proud owner of a beautiful and vibrant print by a local artist, I outbid the rest for a nifty oil change, a set of sparkly water glasses and I even won a Jagermeister machine, the BIG daddy of them all-- huge with the capacity to chill 3 full, big bottles of that "black crack" substance. I was going to donate it to the Potlatch but they have no room for it. So Carrie, owner of the First City Saloon took it off my hands and bought it for a third of what I bid. So be it. To give is to get. And it's for Tanner's face afterall.

Then it got fuzzy and weird. I was hanging out with the father of my boss at the Lumberjack Show. He planted one on me. Huh.

Then my buddy Isa came up for a night cap. It is very hazy for me at this point.

I woke up still in a blur at 8:30 a.m. And like Gretel I collected the clues like bread crumbs of how things ended last night. There is a six pack of Modelo warming on my kitchen counter. There is a handful of cash from Carrie buying the Yeager Machine. And there is a familiarly unwanted pain in my left elbow and knee.

Really?

Really.

I f$#@ing FELL again. I certainly haven't done that in weeks and weeks. Dammit.

Swell. You know, this treatment is slow going. Or am I stalled? Am I doing something to prevent success? It wouldn't be the first time I have undermined my well being. That's for sure...

Whatever. Battered and bruised yet again. God, I loathe the alcoholic in me.....

Sigh,

Ketchikan1

Oh Ketch, I feel your pain, I really do. I was just feeling the same about a week ago but I think this really is part of the roller coaster of TSM. I think maybe we're both going through the part where we are subconsciously (or consciously, sometimes in my case) trying to out drink the nal, to compensate and make up for lost endorphins. After a while I think we will stop trying to do this, as our body will realize it's not fun anymore. As long as you're not drinking and driving or doing anything likewise dangerous, I think it's ok. Try and stay positive! I really think we will get there!
EL

Come on girl,

It's a blip. A particularly painful blip but doesn't mean you've lost the battle.

Have you still got a fight in you? Do you want to regain control? Do you want to get to a point where you are the boss and not the booze? If so, then the fight is not over.... you've just getting a pounding.

How to fix things... It's a tough one and nobody can ever advise you what to do.

The only person that can figure out the best option is you. But we can try to support you where we can.

I remember not blacking out was a really big objective for you; so maybe just focus on this one fact and not worry too much about the rest.

I know for sure that Jaeger Meister machine = blacking out. http://www.flickr.com/photos/craigbedard/13135489/
Smart move for getting rid of it.

I actually saw one of those things for the first time on Thursday and said to the barmaid, "What the f*ck is that - it's a horrible f*cking idea. You're going to kill people with that." She thought I was amusing and funny, but I was serious. Jaeger is my downfall almost every time. I remember puking up brown liquid through my nose after 6 or 7 shots.

It might be worth taking (medical disclaimer applies) another 50mg when you feel like you're losing control. This might be after bottle #1 of the 1.5L Pinot. Much more than that will surely lead to blacking out.

Whatever happens we are here for you - just don't be submissive and give up the fight. We know you are strong. We believe in you.

Take care, Andy.

Yes it sucks... God I don't miss those days of piecing together the night before...

Hang in there. Just follow the one rule and you'll get there.

My best,

Nick

Oh boy, do you guys put things in perspective or what???

Electra, that is exactly what I'm trying to do: Outdrink the Nal..... you nailed that one.

But the whole experience is completely unpredictable.

Nonetheless, Andy M outdoes me everytime. Yes you do you wild thing! 8 shots of Jaeger???? And you lived to tell about it. Huh.

Love that picture of the Jaeger machine. Yep, I bought and sold that very thing last night. But I never puked brown stuff out of my nose.... though on Jaeger I was walking my bicycle and myself home in Haines, Alaska a couple of summers back and walked the both of us directly into a putrid ditch. I was sopping wet and in the thick of it and suddenly "came to" but could not get myself out of the swampy ditch...... Gawd! Grody... gross... and a very true story.

I will not stop ever. TSM is my way through all of this macabre scenery.

And it is a vibrant story afterall. Bruises and all.

Promise,

Ketchikan1

Hang in there gal! I know that is it is hard to take these set-backs. But this is part of the healing process. You can do it!

jaeger!?!?!? GROSS!!!!! i've never been able to drink it because i got high a few times in high school drinking robotussin couch syrup! how ridiculous is THAT! i would get so sick - literally would barf all night long. i can't even smell jaeger without wanting to throw up. smells and tastes just like cough syrup to me. while my friends did jaeger shots, i would hang with jose cuervo - he was a good friend of mine.

glad you sold the machine ketch and sorry about the fall. sounds like we will all take a few stumbles on this journey to control. i predict a great week for you!

--pepper

Hi Ketch et al

I had to do a Google search on Jaegermeister as I am an (admittedly well educated) ignoramus from downdunder and had no idea what it was!!

Scary stuff! But Ketch, you are still relatively new to all of this, so don't feel bad about what you might perceive as any failure on your part. Just read all my story (if you haven't already, as you've been a great support, so thank you!) and remember that this is a LONG process. After reading the book, we might have thought we would all be "cured" in 3-4 months. 7 months later I am still having my doubts, but if I look at this from a positive point of view, my attitude to alcohol has changed and I still mostly feel that this will work for me given a bit more time. My hubby is happy that our social life has been a bit more "normal" and I have hope that there is more to being an alcoholic than just being abstinent, with difficulty, for the rest of my life. Let's face it, only 5% or less of the people who come to AA ever manage this, so no wonder I always felt like a failure there when I tried to hang out with the people who were in that 5 %.

Nal on!!

Sticky

Hi Sticky, Andy, Mover, Electra and Ms. Pepper. Dunno why I want to call you a Ms. Pepper... just do.

Thanks for all the responses. It's been awhile since I posted. I am on the third day of my 17th week. I have had 20 units thusfar. Not bad considering what big numbers I have been racking up in the last couple of weeks.

July and August are the peak tourism months here in Ketchikan. I need to muster as much strength and energy as I possibly can. Then Alaska herself throws us all a monkey wrench in our spokes in terms of wintery weather. Such is the case on this very busy 4th of July weekend. I worked at the restaurant yesterday and the weather was so chilly with windy rain that I just walked home and collapsed on the couch for an hour.

I had been drinking 10 units of Alaskan micro-brew beer on both Wednesday and another 10 on Thursday, but yesterday was different. Sure I didn't feel like subjecting myself to the winds and wet whips of an Alaskan beating--- and walking to the liquor store would have done just that. But also, I thought about it-- what would I choose to drink if I did opt to go anyway?

You know what? There was no alcholic beverage that tickled my fancy! Not vodka (which I rarely drink), red wine, white wine, beer, Jaegar, nada. That's a first. Truly.

Sticky, I have kept up with your thread and you have been very forthcoming with your struggles. I must admit, though, it is shifting. S-l-o-w-l-y but surely, right????

Normalcy is what we are after. Ain't that right gang?

So, I am happy to report that on the first day of the first of July I had a much needed AF day. It is Saturday morning and I am meeting a girlfriend and she and I are heading to the gym. It is my first time back in months, sadly. But a journey starts with one step. Here I go. Mind you, my girlfriend runs (and wins) marathons. She's flying to Juneau to run next week. Well, I always say: Surround yourself with stars and you'll begin to shine.

I have two dates this week. One this evening and another on Wednesday. Neither are keepers and I wonder why I accepted the dates at all. But I figure I had better keep myself out there and engaged in all the possibilities that are presented to me.

Eliptical here I come...

Have an explosively vibrant 4th everyone,

Ketchikan1

Hi Ketch,

I hope the gym session was a good one. All of us on this board are addicted to endorphins - those pesky opiate-like compounds that are released when we drink. You get the same release after 20 - 40 minutes on the elliptical... so you probably felt awesome after your gym session. Well knackered but awesome.

Putting the drinking aside, have you got a goal for the next 6 months? A 10K run, a half-marathon? Getting your marathon friend to mentor you in pursuit of this goal could be something that really helps you maintain your focus during your current battle.

Hope the date went well,

Take care,

Andy.

PS. Knackered = exhausted