Hi hap, thanks for stopping by and saying hi, I've missed you these last few weeks I've playing Uncharted 2: Among Thieves right now - it's absolutely stunning - it sets new standards for action set pieces and graphics for console games. The online play's terrific and I seem to have been sucked into joining an unofficial 'clan' so that looks like my weekday evenings planned for the next few weeks at least. I also have Batman: Arkham Asylum to return to at some point soon - it really is a good time for us gamers right now

Though it's not (alcohol consumption) week's end till tomorrow I wanted to post just quickly today. My blood tests all came back fine, including my liver function test despite my quite high levels of boozing in recent weeks. My GP thinks I'm abstinent, and was happy to tell me that 'you didn't do yourself any lasting damage (during the months of 24/7 drinking and complete incapacity), your liver is back to normal, and within safe limits'. Need I say that I'm absolutely over the moon about this?!

I also finally got my prescription for Propranolol - a beta-blocker with anti-anxiety properties, and which will slow my over-active heart down. I'm really positive about this because hopefully it will enable me to bring myself off the diazepam (around 10mg daily) as not only might it hamper TSM, the other side effects are pretty horrible, and I know it's messing with my brain GABA production - the very last thing I need.

I'll comment on the last week's drinking tomorrow - only five beers in the fridge tonight, so hopefully my consumption will be down a bit and stop my weekly total being completely disheartening (only joking).

My spirits are high - onwards and upwards!

Hi 8 Great to see you sounding so positive!

8, I knew that HUG would work I'm so happy for you and you sound like life is getting brighter everyday! You're on your way.

corkit

Many thanks soulby and corkit

Weekly progress for week 13

Daily consumption of: 21, 12.3, 22.4, 25.5, 14, 18.1, 11.5 for a total of 124.8 UK units

I'm a bit disappointed at the increase in my drinking after a decline in the last few weeks, but I know neither are probably much to do with TSM yet so I'm not too bothered.

In any case I had one very big night out with my old boozing buddies last Thursday. Even so, I wouldn't have drunk so much but for very high levels of anxiety visiting busy, crowded, hectic central London for an evening out for the first time in a long time, which I staved off with a couple of shots early on. As I mainly drink at home these days, I'm thinking that my old social drinking (party animal) behaviours need to be extinguished at some point, so I'll need a few more nights out like this. Just one or two drinks less though and I'd be happy.

At the weekend (22.4, 25.5), I don't know what happened really...these benzos really seem to mess up my memory. Oh yes! On Saturday I was out and about with a friend during the day, and three pints plus my normal evening drinking add up to higher units. I had a lovely glimmer when we had our second daytime pint - I realised that I really didn't want the alcohol itself, I was just thirsty. In fact, I wished I'd had a soft drink instead! The third I didn't want either, we were just killing time till my train came, and that's our habit.

Sunday I had wine in the house - lethal for me. Used to the volume of lager, I can drink that stuff so quickly, and had a bottle on top of my beers. Hmmm, not sure if that wine drinking needs to be extinguished, but something to be wary of, for sure.

Tuesday I faced a trigger I haven't in a while - a long night of online gaming, with unlimited booze in the house. It's quite easy to start playing at seven or eight pm thinking 'just for a few hours' and become so engrossed that you turn around and realise it's the early hours of the morning. When you're used to drinking beers during a game session it can be quite easy to drink way more than you planned to without realising it. But, definitely another trigger that needs extinguishing.

A nice glimmer yesterday - only five beers left in the fridge for last night's gaming, and I thought about getting one or two more just to 'cover' any 'need' I might have. But I arrived home realising I'd forgotten to pick some up, and was actually quite glad, and not at all worried that I wouldn't have enough. I've always been a 'glass almost empty' kind of guy when it comes to alcohol, even with an almost full drink but last night I got the old dread of 'oh no, I only have two beers left!' only to discover that I was only on my second, not third, and so had three - the exact opposite of how I would normally (always used to?) be. Very encouraging.

A lesson I started learning a little while back is still being driven home - aim low, and I can often get there these days. Having a huge stock of booze in certainly does not encourage me to aim low!!

Well, not a very interesting post this week I guess, (as compared to my normal spell-binding ramblings ), but hey ho, that's life.

More progress this week hopefully - at least another beautiful glimmer or two, as those are so very encouraging

8

Hi 8,

That's the spirit!

Good on ya!

V.

Weekly progress for week 14

Daily consumption 11, 14.1, 15.2, 23, 18, 17, 14.2 UK units for a total of 112.5

Not too bad a week (by my own standards at least ).

I encountered one of my biggest drinking habits of the last few years again over the last week or two - playing online video games for hours in the evening/into the early hours, always with a drink in hand. This is quite dangerous, because the adrenaline of the games keeps me awake later, and thus my drinking sessions longer. There's also a danger in lulls in the action, or respite between rounds, where I associate having a sip with taking a breather / calming down. When you play for up to seven hours at a stretch, that's a lot of sips! Online you're also responsible to your team. I would have to run for drinks between rounds, and that often meant I'd finish my previous drink up just before the round finished, i.e. quicker than I would have anyway. I need to break that habit of rushing a drink to finish it - get a new drink, but just wait until I've finished the old one at my normal rate before starting it. Either that or get a fridge in my games room

A couple of times I have not wanted the last drink or two, but had one just to carry on gaming for a bit. The association of gaming and drinking is so strong for me that I haven't yet been able to stop drinking but still carry on playing. But, I hope the recognition of that pattern is the start of a new glimmer.

Those gaming nights account for my higher total days, along with some afternoon starts due to anxiety.

I got Modern Warfare 2 yesterday. Now, the first game was one of the most fun and addictive yet intense and stressful online shooters ever. That's the game that got me drinking so heavily playing video games, just to calm myself down a bit. At the moment I don't dare to try the online component - getting nuked by the enemy or blown up by a remotely-guided missile certainly sounds like a huge trigger to me

I hope to reduce my units next week, and I think it's a realistic aim if I am more aware of my drinking and gaming, and exercise a little more self-discipline. So, onwards as always!

eight

8 --

Your posts are highly entertaining. Gaming, gambling and bar hopping... Throw in a little marauding and the list is complete!

Way to stay positive -- the glimmers are definitely evidence of something positive happening and hopefully they'll result in lower units at some point.
Stay patient and positive my friend.

My best,

Nick

Hang in there 8, it will come and I do like your sense of humor!

corkit

Thanks guys, very kind of you indeed



Well, I don't remember ever mentioning gambling...but that's far from saying it didn't happen in one of my more inebriated moments And you're right - the marauding still needs a little work!!

Well, I feel robbed of my weekly progress post today because I forgot to record drinks one day, and I can't even guess. So rather than throw in a random number I'm just going to skip one night, and make tonight the last night of this week. It won't make much difference to the pattern quite yet, as for the moment the pattern remains 'eight gets drunk nightly to x degree'

It rather suits me actually, as I don't have much time to write tonight, so - tomorrow it is!

Weekly progress for week 15

22, 25, 24, 18, 15.3, 8, 11.5 UK units for a total of 123.8

I drank quite heavily for most of the week, and the day that I had to skip because I didn't record intake was probably quite high too, so my actual weekly total should be higher (but by how much? I'm guessing anywhere between 5 and 10 UK units).

Major drinking again took place during gaming nights. As Yoda might say 'Hmm. Drinking. Video games. Strong with you the association is'.

On some of the heavy drinking days I've had the sense that I might perhaps have 'gone off' alcohol, and had been hoping that I was undergoing an extinction burst. But, just a hope.

I've been a little sick this week, so this may well have something to do with it, but the last three nights (8, 11.5, 9.5 UK units) I've stopped drinking before I'd planned to - that last drink was simply enough for me, and in some cases I could barely finish the glass/can. In fact, last night I wanted to have another drink just to stay up a bit longer (finishing drinking has long meant time to sleep for me) but I couldn't.

Interestingly, a lot of the time I look at a can of my usual lager completely neutrally - it seems to have lost its allure, it's magical aura. Other times it still has a strong pull. After a few weeks enjoying white wine it's tasting very bland now and has almost zero appeal. I re-discovered gin and tonics last week, and I must say I'm rather enjoying those at the moment, it'll be interesting to see if my attitude to them changes at all in the coming weeks.

Very encouraging feelings, but I'm not getting carried away.