So the week went by, I accidentally left a bottle semi hidden in the family room Thursday night and was on Nantucket Friday and the Vineyard Saturday to return Saturday night. SO I was nervous thinking she would find it. This morning as we were sitting in the family room, I thought she had found it, but thanks to God, it was sitting there slyly in the corner showing its little bottle top but just to me cuz I had wisely hidden it behind my Magical Mystery tour album....ahh yes...vinyl records...had it been a CD I would've been busted...>Anways..I digress...

It was a week of mostly similar nights averaging 8 units a day. My problem with vagueness at times, is because I am often at a function, but i.e. I had two occasions where I had 2 25 mg doses of Nal because. i.e. last night, I had a few drinks at the wedding, they had Grey Goose,.but I didn't have my normal martini as I was working so I simply had goose on the rocks with lime,...but could't tell if it was 1 or 2 units per drink,...and maybe 2 beers, as I was working I couldn't get real buzzed. I had a stash and had a few swigs of that...(after the wedding I took my second dose). So it can get kinda cloudy, then we went to a bar and saw this really talented cat playing guitar with very soulful voice. Had a few brews. But it really is so much funner knowing that, hopefully in time, I may be able to moderate. (I have to lie to my wife and I told her I had 2 units both nights,...but at least I'm telling her I'm drinking....she just won't accept me drinking as much as I actually am...I say this so that other people suffering the guilt of lying, forgive themselves,..as I am starting too,...its just such alcoholic behavior,...hiding it)

I may be fooling myself, but I too feel a shift of possibly envisioning a life without drunkenness and it is a serene feeling. Right now its Sunday afternoon, I'm off tonight and when I'm done here I will clean my studio. This kind of motivation has been out of my life lately,...

I had some serenity when I was sober for those 4.5 years, but ultimately I feared the monster alcohol would get me one of those days...the whole AA thing whereby, reprieve for a day. "Never miss a meeting" obsession,...and I was a pretty damn good AAer, but it just was me more faking it....

Overall, I think somethings happening, I've chatted outside the board with a few of you and thanks so much to everyone,...even those I haven't directly spoken to, I've read most of the posts. I try and give this board at least 30 minutes of my time a day (except when traveling over the weekends)...thanks again and I will try and be more vigilant about my counting and keeping a drinking log

deleted by BGH

[quote="Jim Clark"]So the week went by, I accidentally left a bottle semi hidden in the family room Thursday night and was on Nantucket Friday and the Vineyard Saturday to return Saturday night. SO I was nervous thinking she would find it. This morning as we were sitting in the family room, I thought she had found it, but thanks to God, it was sitting there slyly in the corner showing its little bottle top but just to me cuz I had wisely hidden it behind my Magical Mystery tour album....ahh yes...vinyl records...had it been a CD I would've been busted...>Anways..I digress...

Yes I did get busted! Stupidly left a small telling bottle "somewhere" and I can not believe I did that, but I did and now I am suffering the repercussions. Tried to further lie my way out, but even though it seemed to work I still know I lied

and I keep trying to think of a way out, but I remember the guilty always returns to the scene of the crime.

Right there with you. [/color]

Thanks so much everyone...


2.21 AM and basically sober,...8 units over 6 hours...you know...that means sober,.will try and sleep at this point,....its great to know I have friends here...thank you for your comments...We will get there together...I know it...there is a shift happening...Best, Jim

Yeah Jim!

Hey Reality,

But from your #'s, can't they see that your drinking has gone way down and more importantly, why would our significant others want us to hide it....some members here have full support of their significant others....I realize some of us have really created a nightmare for them, but as it seems to me, you're well on your way to normal right?

I guess what bothers me is that my wife is more intent on seemingly punishing me than helping me...currently stuck in guest bedroom like some kind of leper. But I still get to drive her to the train and pick her up (I don't say that facetiously,...it means she still thinks enough of me to rely on me for her) and go out like last night which was fun.

Last night was a success, as we went to our favorite hang. Had dinner, she had a chardonnay while I drank sparkling water. I had a martini prior to us leaving as she was showering,.I did swig probably another 4-6 ounces before departure....but what was significant,.probably no more than 8 ounces of vodka over the hour so alcoholic behavior still exists for me but I was in no way out of control,(for those who don't know, my wife will not allow me to drink in front of her...she just expects me to be abstinent but knows I'm drinking,..just not how much and doesn't want to know,..she just wants it to end....DON't WE ALL!)...once at the restaurant there was no gnawing feeling to have another half pint in my belly or to go to the bathroom and slam half of it right away, then more later.......I used to carry my half pint around like my Naltrexone now,...cuz I KNEW I was going to need it...That is significant change for the better...we had a wonderful meal and chatted like it was old times...then no more alcohol til 2.5-3 hours later at home and then it was just a few beers,...maybe 3ish....I have had several instances where one time I got so drunk I almost crashed the car ON OUR WAY to the restaurant because I needed to be at that alcoholic nirvana spot. Which I notoriously would over shoot. My poor wife....I don't want to lose her...

Other times I would start passing out at the restaurant or falling asleep as I like to think about it....never so drunk that I couldn't walk,..but she even abandoned me there once....This behavior SEEMS to be going away. I realize I'm a long way from cured,...but I feel happy. I'm listening to Keith Jarrett and am going to transcribe some of his music in my studio. I haven't done that in over a year. "Time on my Hands" from the Carnegie Hall concert. Which I think is appropriate being that Nick and a lot of others on the board talk about the time we'll have on our hands once the beast is tamed....one other significant thing,..my anxiety levels seem to be going down...I think that's a factor in possibly less alcohol although I do not keep accurate numbers..I pray for that "significant improvement numbers" sooner as opposed to later but alas you guys and the book give me the roadmap,...and it seems impossible to get there any quicker than a minimum of three months and I fear the spike...God Bless all...Jim

Hey Jim -- I love reading your tales of the journey.

A word of caution: At three weeks in, you probably would not be having much in the way of meaningful progress. I just don't want you to set yourself up for a fall; your drinking may spike up several times before it subsides. I'm just sayin'. All the best.

Hi Jim,

I tried to read back through your posts, but I'm still not clear on your wife's position. You say she won't let you drink in front of her, yet she knows you're drinking. Does she understand that for TSM to work, you HAVE to drink? You said she read Julia's story, but I believe that one ended with the result of abstinence - is that what your wife will demand, or do you think she wouldn't be opposed to moderate drinking in the long run? Sorry for all the questions, but I'm trying to fully understand your situation. I know that not having to sneak so often does wonders for the attitude - less guilt and self loathing is a huge step forward. I just think it would really help if your wife understood TSM completely. I'd suggest you try to get her to read the book, and the great spouse/significant other letter that Goin4More wrote - very powerful.

If you could get her on board, I think she would see your drinking in a different light - it reallly is the only way to the cure, and I know you want that for her as much as for yourself, right? Just my 2 little pennies....

Oh, BTW - how does a man hide a half pint? I could always throw it into one of my big purses, but you? Or maybe you carry a purse?

Hi Lena and Krazy,

Thanks for your comments. But I do feel better...at least psychologically. I think this forum is half my happiness.

Lena, thank you for the warning. I will file it away and I know about the drinking spike.

Krazy, yes, Julia's story is the first story I had her read. The only thing she said was "Why are they congratulating her...she still drinks too much" and I told her that the end of the story she was abstinent...she seems to want to punish me(she just called and was super sweet),..I think the years have worn the poor thing down...we all know. Its tough for them,,..they just can't understand it.

I have our marriage counselor reading it right now. She's a VERY smart woman who is VERY open minded. I told her (my wife) I basically needed to the top of the year. My biggest fear is the spike. Because as closed minded as she is about it, if I spike, then she's gonna say I'm chasing a lie and it doesn't work...Our counselor told her to look forward not backward for a little while

One other very sad note,...I lost my scrip for Naltrexone and only have 8 25 MG pills left. Anyone seeing a shrink know about telling them you lost your scrip and getting them to write a new one? The woman is crazy...but since its non abusable,...do you think she might just phone it in?

Yes she wants me to be abstinent. Thats ok. If I feel the need and if TSM works as it says, maybe I can have a drink every now and then at a wedding that I'm playing.

Hiding the half pint. The smirnoff bottles tuck into my left side and set relatively flat with deep pockets. I can also use my suit jacket. but I've since told her about that hiding spot and frankly, that's one of the things I DIDN't do last night. Bring a stash and I made it without difficulty. That could be placebo or honeymoon BUT I'll TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope I'm leaving enough smilies...I'm not that kinda guy but if it makes the board happy Hell,..why not!