This last week there's been a lot of outright guessing with my units consumed. I was on vacation camping and didn't keep a log. I'm going to meet up with my girl tomorrow and tell her goodbye. I talked about it with my counselor and he assured me that seeing her on a regular basis is making the hell that much worse, he's right. I need the pain to STOP, I cry myself to sleep every single night.

On a more positive note I am going to be the sole legal witness to a secret wedding tomorrow! And yes it's a good thing.


Is this chart too small? I've got a huge monitor so I don't know if I can tell.

Okay there is definitely something going on here. I have my first drink right here, it's been poured for over an hour. I'll drink it dammit, and I'm sure I'll finish the night passed out on my couch. But progressively since the beginning it's been getting harder and harder to get that first one down. Not so much the others but the first one.

Any time there is proof the naltrexone is affecting you, it's a good thing. Success is on the way, my friend, just follow the protocol and throw in a heavy dose of patience.

4 weeks. Where before I thought my TSM progress had no pattern and was just chaotic, now...maybe, I see the typical honeymoon period and...progress? I don't know, fingers crossed.

How in Hell did I get here?

This is gonna be a long one, so let me pre-apologize for that, and there's some profanity too. But you people are probably more likely to understand than anyone else in my life. I lost the love of my life to my addiction on June 10th, 2009. She's with someone else now, still loves and cares for me but in her words she's "just done" with me. Her grandfather is in jail because of an alcohol-related botched suicide attempt where he shot at police to try to get them to kill him. She was raised by an abusive alcoholic step-mother. I'm amazed that she stuck around as long as she did. The only reason she did was because she truly loved me with all of her heart. Despite her horrific childhood she is incredibly well-balanced and a truly happy, honest, sincere, beautiful person. Our relationship was not unhealthy in any way, maybe just a little bit of enabling, but nothing more than that. The ONLY reason she left me is because she couldn't stick around to watch me kill myself with alcohol.

I quit my job moved out of our house, back in with my parents and was given 7 days to find a rehab to go to. Stumbled across TSM, they are fully supporting me (in fact they're basically force-feeding me wine every night ) and here I am now. My parents are paying my half of the rent and shes paying the other half. We have a one year lease. My parents are the cosigners.

I finally resolved to say goodbye to Jane (I'll call her Jane) even though she wants to remain friends because I'm crying every day and crying myself to sleep every night and I need to heal. I'm so despondent and in so much pain it's actually debilitating. So I call to set up a meet and she says ok, but no date planned. A few days go by and I get a message from her, she sounds distraught, says her credit is maxed and she can't feed herself. Her bills are piling up and she has to move back into her dad's house. We were doing fine when we were living together, I made considerably more money than her. My parents can't afford to make my half of the rent, and definitely can't afford to take on hers also. In my current state there's no way I can afford the whole thing either. She's fuming mad, which is very out of character for her, and on the verge of bailing. We've already tried to cancel the lease with the landlord but he said no way.

So the only solution (and the only right thing to do) is to get my job back and help her out. Just paying my half of the rent isn't enough. So I told her I would give her all of the money I make so we could get her back on her feet and pay down her credit cards. She finally said "Okay...okay." It's more right for me and her to be paying it, and my parents would go under if they had to. And this was the only way I could get her to stay, so that we could at least have her contribution to the rent when she gets more stable.

Pardon the foul language, this is how I really feel...

But HE LIVES THERE!!! . He's a f***ing 20 year old loser that can't get a job, drives her car, uses her cell phone, eats her food and lives in my f***ing house! Before I quit my job I was already spontaneously crying in front of guests (restaurant). And now there's not one minute that I'll be working where I won't be thinking of exactly where every single cent that I'm working for is going to.

Seriously, the pain is so fresh that I dream of blowing my head off every single night, TSM is the only reason I'm alive. And now this?

Then for the icing on the cake...

My counselor is intimately aware of every aspect of my life: Jane, alcohol, TSM, mom, dad, Kevin (we'll call him Kevin), this situation, everything. Finishing up our last session yesterday after explaining this situation to him he pops off and says:

"There's no way that she is the cause of your alcoholism. Your going to be cured soon. You two just need to get back together, seriously."

Me: (extremely confused look on my face)

Him: "No really, how do you know she doesn't want to get back together with you have you asked her?"

Me: "No."

Him: "Just get her in here, I do this kind of couples counseling all the time."

Me: "She's not going to come here for couples counseling, she's with Kevin." (He knows this)

Him: "Don't worry about it just get her in here, I'll take care of it. Kevin's nothing. You're her man. You provide for her. You're her spiritual partner. Kevin's just another dick, he's so insignificant to the bigger picture right now it's not even funny. Trust me, I can see things that you can't see."

She will go to see him. But...HOW THE **** DO YOU THINK IT'S RESPONSIBLE TO GO AND POP OFF AND SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT? I MISS HER SO MUCH I WANT TO f***ing DIE. I'm finally ready to let her go and say goodbye and try to start to heal and you're going to plant this seed of (probably false) hope in my head..?? I've been through the grieving process 17 f***ing times man. Now you've just made me start over again. I'm so confused and in so much pain. I want to believe him, but I don't.

So yeah, there's a little piece of my personal hell. I apologize for the profanity, I only use it when I mean it.

This sucks and I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I've never heard of a therapist actively inserting himself between two people, but I'll leave the second-guessing for others in the counseling field who know more than me. All I can say is that you are so young and have so much potential for other possible relationships, assuming this one doesn't resume. Your huge heart, compassion and intelligence shine through in your writing. Trust me, there will be others who will appreciate you if you have to move on. I remember my first crushing breakup -- I punched out windows (the scars on my knuckles remain 28 years later) and was worthless for a long time. But I got over it. And you will too. I wish you my best, hang in there.

About your apartment: Go to Craigslist and look at the housing ads in your city. I am a landlord and get tenants on Craigslist. You could put an ad there seeking tenants to take over your tenancy. It's free and you can describe the unit and add pictures of the place. Subletting could be a good solution to your problem.

Hi, not sure if you said you had a lease but I know that it is very costly for the landlord to go to court and try to collect. Many times, and not fair but the little guy wins. Doccument everything and do as Nick suggests.

I once had a therapist who said the same things to me about the man I was seeing. It cost me a ton of money and almost my sanity and it did cost me my marriage prior to that relationship. There are therapists out there who
give very bad advice at your expense. My two cents are with WTE, don't pay for this woman and her new guy!!!
You do not owe her that. If she can't afford the place two choices, get back with you and split the expenses and give it another try or have the other guy pick up the slack. You need to think of you right now!

Thanks everybody. I wish I could just go into a coma and have them TSM me everyday and wake me up in a few months...

Lo0p,

I think you're amazingly strong, and I know you'll get through your Hell and start your own paradise. Thanks for your efforts to educate the ignorant and defend TSM in such a tactful manner. And you do all this in spite of your painful circumstances. You're awesome - I don't believe even a coma could knock you down!