Hi all. I've been lurking periodically but not posting much. Trying to keep my drinking in perspective - not to have it loom so large in my life. I'm 3 1/2 months in, and still have not been able to have more than 2 AF days - mainly through fear.

My response to alcohol is almost nil - no buzz, just the "feeling" that I do have alcohol in my body. I have two drinks per night after taking my Nal faithfully. My difficulty, still, is using alcohol as a crutch to alleviate this general feeling of unhappiness and anxiety. This has not changed and I am getting a little discouraged. I'm actually fearing that "never having a drink again" feeling. I know intellectually that I can drink if I want to with Nal. I just don't want to go through even one night without. The past month has seen a return of depression which lurks just beneath the surface. Side effects of antidepressants are so strong for me that I have to stay clean - St. John's Wort is ok, but not doing a good enough job!!

As many have said before me, we have other issues to work through before reaching for a drink is no longer an automatic thing. I guess I'll have to order another 4 months of Nal and perhaps the knowledge that it's tucked away safely will give me some relief from the "no booze" anxiety. River is not shipping to Canada again and I'm afraid not to have it on hand. I'll have to see if I can get a buddy of mine to let me "drop" into his US address.

Sorry to be so down but I know you all know how I'm feeling so I can be honest. I'm not going to give up, I just wish this would all go away!! I've been reading lots of your posts and I'm so happy for those who are doing well. It must be wonderful to come off gallons of booze to just one or two. Why is it so hard for me to give up the tiny amount I'm drinking? Who knows. Onwards and upwards!

BGH

I know we are all different but to me 3 months ago 2 drinks per night would ABSOLUTELY be progress. I wouldnt beat yourself too hard over the two drinks. I know the feeling of having 2 drinks in an evening and thinking I am still using alcohol as a crutch and not being abstinent. Also, I have this feeling of fear that I could return to the out of control hellish state I was in.

For myself I would say over the last couple weeks I have been thinking what is freedom from alcohol and as AA would say sobriety or a new life.there it goes again that damn AA programing..For me it is not going to bed blacked-out, no bizzare behavior, not being wasted falling down drunk. and then waking up and repeating this vicious cycle. My mind is starting become rational again slowly but it is happenening and I am begining to wonder if this is what is meant by returning your brain to the pre-alcoholic state.

The depression from alcohol is hell that I know..nothing like it. Other thing I beleive alcoholics are masters at beating themselves senseless from guilt etc. I would say take it a little easier on yourself...I would assume at two drinks a night you are not out of control and you are not hurting anyone in your life that cares for you. I would also make the bold assumption you will eventually break the 2 drink per night habit because it is weighing on you. But you will break it when you are ready and there is nothing wrong with that.

Cheer up my friend and good luck