I've picked a date. It's not until mid next year. I don't know if I can hold out that long. I am ready to die. I am so ready, I can't go 3 hours without having a complete and total emotional breakdown. I can't even remember the last night I didn't cry myself to sleep.
I'm having flashbacks of events in my childhood that I haven't remembered in 25 years. I'm having eerie head rushes where it feels like doom is impending or right around the corner. They are so powerful I think they might be petite mal seizures. I don't know why i am crying out for help because I think i really do just want to go.
I just got back in touch with an ex-girlfriend of mine. We've only spoken once in the last ten years and that was at my best friends funeral, he died of a heroin overdose. I don't know to this day whether or not it was suicide. She left me very quickly one night and went straight into rehab. She's been sober for ten years and is married with a kid. She's the only 12 stepper to date that I've been able to convince that TSM is real.
She sent me a very nice email yesterday:
"Evan,
Not sure how often you check your email, but I really didn't get to tell you everything I wanted to, but unfortunately I am at work, so the best form of communication I have is via email. Anyway, first of all I want you to know that you sharing your heart with me so candidly means a great deal to me. Though I have to say that I feel a little selfish telling you that, you're sharing with me your pain, and I want you to know that I may be grateful for your sharing, but I am in no way grateful that you are in so much pain (I hope that made sense). I feel your pain, and if I could take it away, I would. Then again, maybe I wouldn't, my biggest blessings/lessons in life have come from my most painful times (and trust me, I've had my fair share in the last 10 years).
When I said that you were an amazing person, I really meant it. I have a huge list of people that inspire and "move" me, and although we haven't talked in years, you have always ranked very high on that list. And although this may not hold much weight, I don't want to see you "go". I can't talk you out of anything, especially if you have already figured this out "logically". But you were there for me at one of the most darkest times in my life, and now it's my turn to be there for you. So please know, that if there is anything you need, please don't hesitate to ask. Jesse (did I spell it right?) sounds like a wonderful person, and I really hope that it works out for you two. From what I've gathered so far, you two share the kind of love that is VERY hard to come by.
Please call/text/email/FB me and let me how it goes. And please don't hesitate to call. If you don't hear back right away, it's probably because my family needs me (I'm what you might call the "glue":).
One other thing, and I don't want this to sound strange or be awkward, but to just be sincere...I want you to know that I love you. We all need to hear it from time to time, I think you may need an extra dose right now.
D"
I've written Jess a 20 page letter and she's coming to visit me today and I'm going to read it to her. I also made her a gift. It's a peace sign that is plasma cut out of a piece of sheet metal. I brazed bronze on to the edges of it with an oxyacetylene torch, it looks like gold and fire in the sunlight. I treated it with a propane torch, when the metal cools it leaves a rainbow like color effect on the steel. Then I cut and put mirrors into the negative space left by the cut outs. Here's a picture of it:
The rainbow effect doesn't show up well in the photo but you get the gist.
Here's an excerpt of the letter:
"After the last time I saw you I went to go see my counselor James. I told him everything as I always do. I told him that I did not want to live without you and was trying to decide what to do about it. I told him everything that I told you that day. I told him that I thought that ending my own life seems to me to be the only logical solution and the only real way out of this.
He said: “Yeah, that is completely understandable. I’ve been doing this for over twenty years and I’ve seen hundreds of couples. It is very rare that I see examples of true selfless love like this. I just don’t see it that often, not like this. You really do love her.
“Wow…wow. This is the most…tragic case of irony I have ever seen. You knew you were going to die of alcoholism and she had to leave you because of that. You lost the love of your life and were waiting to die. Then one month later you discover there is a cure for your disease, a disease that is as 10,000 years old and realize you are going to live. But because you found the cure one month, one month too late you lost her. You are going to be cured, get healthy and yet…still die from the disease that you don’t even have any more. Whoa…you must feel… … [at a loss for words, shaking his head]
Me: ”Yeah. That’s how I feel.”
After that I went back to the church to talk with some guy that this lady set me up with. She said he was “real” and would listen to me and wouldn’t get all churchy on me. Well he listened to me for about twenty minutes and then said he knew what I was going through and had been through all that. He said when he lost who he thought was the love of his life he was in pain for ten years. Then he found god and said that he realized that god was the love of his life and only then did he find peace. Then he wouldn’t stfu about god and jesus for like an hour before I could finally get away.
I’ve found god, I’ve found my higher power. I found it in the spirit of a girl named Jessica. You are my goddess, my priestess, my best friend, my lover, my universe and my everything. You are the kindest most benevolent most gentle and most beautiful soul I have ever seen. Some Christians say that hell is not an actual fiery place like Dante’s Inferno that instead it’s when you are separated from god’s love. I know in my heart that I would rather go to hell then live without you. I know in my heart that I would rather go to hell then go through this.
Something has to change soon or this will be it for me. I don’t want to be here anymore.
On March 10th you said: “I never believed in marriage or soul mates before I met the love of my life Evan.” On June 10th you said to me: “Soul mates don’t do this to each other Evan.” Now you know that I didn’t.
I always believed in soul mates. Ever since I first found you every time I drive down that hill into downtown Jackson and look across that valley I lose my breath for a moment and think: “there she was this entire time, my whole life I’ve been searching and she was right there, in the shadows of Butte Mountain.
I know that you can love me. I know in my heart that you are the love of my life. I understand you getting bitter and disillusioned at what my disease put us through. I’m lucky that you were so caring as to ease my pain as long as you did. Now you know that I didn’t choose alcohol over you. When my world ended on June 10th you told me that you didn’t think you could ever love me again. I refuse to believe that. The moment I do believe it will be the moment I decide to die. If you know that this is true then please just f***ing tell me and make me believe it too so I can end this pain."
Wish me luck.... -E
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