I've been reflecting on the future now that the 'end' is in sight! I read with dismay the recent posts from both Potato and Happy about consumption increasing! I was puzzled about why anyone would risk this hard wrought achievement of control by changing the formula in any way. Is there still part of the addicted brain that seeks to push the envelope and take risks?
For the past two nights i have faced two big triggers. The first- low mood combined with isolation. The second an uncomfortable social situation. Try as i might i couldn't drink more that 2/3 small glasses of wine on each occasion and it tasted awful. On the first I wanted to be out of my head, literally- really really wanted it but i simply could not keep drinking. It was a very strange sensation. I found myself missing the old feelings. Pining for the numbness and oblivion i used to feel (even if it was always accompanied next day with self loathing etc) I had a major AH HA moment- now i understand why someone might be tempted to chance drinking without NAl. In the social situation i slowly sipped one and a 1/2 glasses of wine over a 4 hour period over dinner. This is again the first time i have been in this company and not been watching impatiently for the hostess to refill the glass. I was drinking like most of the others around the table, like the way i used to notice with puzzlement and envy how people could seem to forget about their wine over the night! BUT something was missing- in the past i have been with this group and felt a great sense of bonhomie and fondness for some of the women around the table- last night i felt numb and disconnected and found myself wondering what on earth i had in common with these people with whom i have met up 6-8 times a year for 4 years!. Others have described that sensation more eloquently and i know Bob and SR have warned us about it not all being plain sailing post cure! for me now it is beginning to dawn on me that I feel like i am losing a faithful, if somewhat troublesome, friend.And i am grieving!

I can relate to everything you've expressed in your post. There are occasions when I miss the escape and numbness that AL used to give me. There have been fleeting thoughts of returning there, drinking sans Nal. They have been fleeting though, not plans to return to that old self-destructive lifestyle.

What has kept me safe has been our mantra of "take Nal 1 hour before drinking". Being free of addiction means, we are now completely free to make conscious choices, but not all of those choices may be good ones. Since I have drummed the Nal requirement into my skull, I don't carry any Nal with me when I am away from home, unlike most (?) of the other "cured". So I never drink when away from home even when offered, as I was yesterday (twice). The response is automatic, but it does occasionally give me pause to think later what would it have been like. I may think about it, but I have never regretted the decision. There's a saying I heard once regarding that we cannot keep thoughts from popping into our heads, but we can keep ourselves from dwelling on those thoughts I think the saying goes: "You can't keep a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep him from making a nest there".

When we started TSM, we made the decision to say goodbye or at best to control our troublesome "friend". Second thoughts are likely quite natural. We start to remember just the good times and not the majority of those bad times. And we begin to forget the destruction that our "friend" has caused in our lives, some of that destruction irrevocable. Right now, I can plainly see three of my four scars on my limbs that my "friend" inflicted on me. I am glad they are there in plain sight. They remind me that 'my faithful and reliable friend' is not looking out for my best interests.

As we are cured or approach the cure, we have full (or close to full) decision making capability, no longer driven by our addiction. How we handle our choices now is completely under our control. We can choose to go back. We can choose to remain unaddicted. Weigh that decision carefully!

My recommendation? Say goodbye to our faithful and reliable friend. He's been with us for many years and always been by our side. Now it's time we move on to a real life and abandon that friend that has caused us so much trouble and pain.

Bob

[quote="bob3d"]s
: "You can't keep a bird from landing on your head, but you can keep him from making a nest there".

Bob I love the quote. I am afraid at the moment what with one thing and another my head feels like i've allowed a small flock of birds to nest there!
I appreciate your wisdom and experience thanks. I know you are right and that this will require a whole series of attitude and lifestyle changes. I knew that in theory before its just the reality has taken me a little by surprise. This may have been a 'magic pill' as far as my drinking is concerned but there ain't no 'magic pill' to alter my life circumstances

Amen to that!

Bob

Soul, not where you're at yet but I imagine it is a double-edged sword. It's ok to grieve the loss of your friend (who, as we know, isn't really our friend but a wolf in sheep's clothing...) But, like an unfaithful lover, be glad you're done with the relationship. Mourn it and know there's something better out there for you.

Bob, love the bird analogy. So true.

Reminds me of the saying (Engish, I think)

With friends like that, who needs enemies?
Idiom Definitions for 'With friends like that, who needs enemies?'

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This expression is used when people behave badly or treat someone badly that they are supposed to be friends with.

Hi Soulby - it is hard to say goodbye and to learn how to live without that crutch....friends do appear a little differently without the veil of alcohol, but the good ones will just seem even better.

I'm happy for you and it's good to acknowledge the loss, it is a very strange stituation but you will get used to this just like you got used to the Nal.

Also, wanted to clarify I didn't mess with my dosage because I was trying to get the buzz back a little (I'm not sure if that's what you meant or not). I had read that cutting the dosage did not cut the potency, only the length of time for the coverage and I wanted to take as little medication as possible so took 25 mg instead of 50mg. I'm still not convinced my cutting the dosage was the cause of my re-addiction. I can tell the difference in medications now that I have a prescription, so I really think it was a bad batch of pills (or at least their potency was reduced ) combined with my change in life situation which was huge. Anyway- there is no way I would do this on purpose, it was totally unintentional, and I don't miss the buzz of alcohol at all and can't wait to get back to where I was last month. And I will stay at 50 mg even though I would still like to cut the pill (I just don't like taking medication so in my mind, if i can get away with taking a lower dosage, that would be preferrable...but I won't take a chance now that I know it may have played a part in my situation).

Congrats to you - you are either there or very close -- mourn today so we can celebrate next week Very Happy for you!

Sorry Happy I i didn't mean to imply you were being reckless with the dosage and i can understand that you want to reduce the amount of chemicals in your system Interesting the discovery about the batches. I had a similar though last week when having had considerable effects from Nal for a period i noticed a couple of incidences where it felt like i hadn't taken anything.

Happy, would you tell us what brand the possible bad batch was? I've been very suspicious of the last batch of nodict I got from River. It just seems really different. This batch seems lot less nauseous for one thing. What tipped you off to the bad batch?

I don't want anyone to panic. I was cured on River drugs so I think this is definitely an anomaly and I have nothing concrete to back it up other than I can feel the difference now that I have a prescription. I don't think anyone else has reported this, have they? I haven't been keeping up as much lately, sorry...

How did I know? I noticed 2 weekends ago I had more to drink than anyone else and had not much desire to stop...then I started drinking every night again and some nights it was 3 glasses like I used to...then last week I was out of wine and was searching high and low for another bottle (almost opened the reserve bottle my husband has been saving for years from france), and had 2 beers instead. Then the following night had wine and noticed I could feel it burning on the first drink. These are all things that went away very quickly for me and had not resurfaced until just recently.

My husband thinks it's just lifestyle change impact - which could be, because I started noticing it when friends came over to celebrate my last day of work. Others think it's the decrease in dosage, which could be. I think it's likely a reduced potency in the Nal combined with the other two factors ...who knows. I didn't have the River Nal tested so I really don't know for sure and it's probably irresponsible to mention it if I don't have concrete proof. I'm just glad I have a prescription now so I can cross that possibility off the list. [Firebird, the B.No is AD90432...I think that's the batch number.]

Again - please don't panic, I think it's just my good luck and a combination of several situations happening at once. And not to sound too Pollyannaish, but I'm glad it happened. It forced me to get a prescription. It forced me to understand that this can go away very easily if I don't respect the protocol. And it forced me to cherish AF days - I can't wait to get back there.