Perhaps some of you will have noticed from my slightly(?) erratic posts and lack of updates on my progress thread that I haver been really struggling these last few weeks.

I had the norovirus two weeks ago, which meant that I couldn't really eat for five days and just took calories from soft drinks, and since then I have never really recovered my appetite.

Unfortunately for me, loss of appetite seems to go hand in hand with my anxiety disorder AND my drinking (blood sugar levels I believe).

Since the norovirus I have always continued taking my Nal as per the method, but can't remember the last proper meal I had, it's all been snacks. That thing completely wiped me out but at the same time after I got over it my drinking ramped up.

Now, I know TSM is working for me six weeks in. Drink holds none of the magic it used to. It's just something that keeps my panic attacks under control (and I also think my body craves it for the calories since I am not really eating properly) and until the norovirus I was just drinking out of habit. But I've been taking diazepam daily for the last few weeks for the panic too. I've been using the sedatives during the day, and then medicating with alcohol during the evenings. Previously for 5 or so months I was on one or two 2mg tablets of diazepam per week when required. In the last three weeks I have been on one at best per day, and up to four, five or even six at times

Now I am absolutely desperate. The last two days I have been drinking 24/7 - about a bottle of whisky a day (with no sedatives) and just sleeping/waking/drinking.The alcohol holds no appeal apart from killing my anxiety. But I'm as scared of becoming addicted to the diazepam as I am the booze. I feel absolutely trapped between the two.

This is where I would REALLY like your help. I've spoken to my psychiatric service about Baclofen as something I am desperate to try (for panic) as an alternative to diazepam, and they told me to speak to my GP (General Practitioner - my regular doctor). So, today I spoke to my GP who is astounded that the psych unit put the responsibility at his door on this. He knows nothing about Baclofen other than the list of side-effects from the book, which put him off. Basically he will not prescribe it to me as an 'experiment' even for a day or two, and has just given me bags more valium and told me to stay off the booze and see him in a few days, when he wants to put me back on anti-depressants.

I have been on escilotopram (sp?) for six months before, a couple of years ago, and the side effects were just as bad as the original symptoms, though in different ways. But it was scary, just as scary as where I am now. I tried Fluoxetine (Prozac?) last autumn and that was just as bad and I brought myself off it pretty quick.

So, my GP wants to put me back on it (or a variant), using diazepam to stop my panic until then for the next few days, but I am scared stiff. I want to try Baclofen, but my GP won't prescribe it, and the Psych section say it's his responsibility.

Any advice would be so gratefully received. It's only been one day back on 24/7 drinking but I am constantly thinking of suicide, because I feel so trapped. I would order Baclofen from River but I know it'll take up to two weeks to arrive, and the spot I am in right now doesn't give me that time

Hi 8,

I so much want to help. Have you considered talking with the Samaritans? I have done just that on occasions and I've always found them to be helpful. And what about your Community Mental Health Team (CMHT)? The CMHT runs a crisis line also. If you are desperate to talk, just PM me and I'll let you have my mobile phone number.

Please, be careful.

V.

8, I am so sorry.

You must tell your doctor and the psychiatric department that you are suicidal. Call a suicide hot line right now and report back to us and let us know you sought the help. You can always order the Baclofen from River but that will take time, as you note. The immediate issue is making sure that you are stabilized and are no longer thinking suicide.

My best to you my friend. Please get help and please check back with us to let us know how you are doing.

Nick

8, as with the others - you have my sympathy

however I have to agree with what is said above - I think you need the help of professionals more than people like us, in this instance. If and when you can get that, or in the event that you can't then we'll all be here for you.

The issues are very serious here and your medical team needs to be aware of them - how you're feeling, in what manner you are taking the pills and the amount and frequency of your drinking.

8,
Im so sorry to hear about what your going through. Please take the advice of those who have posted above. It is imperative that you contact someone about your thoughts and feelings.

Also, remember when your at Rock Bottom, there is no way to go but up. So hang in there, your being very proactive by posting here. Keep going with that and contact a live person, your therapist or GP.

On a lighter note, regarding your eating. Maybe get some shakes that you can just drink down, the ones that can serve as meal replacements loaded with vitamins and nutrition. This may help your mental attitude also.

Please also keep in mind, just from reading your posts. You are a very intelligent, humorous, seemingly fun person that can give alot to this world and those around you. Its only a matter of time before your feelings will change for the better.

Again, hang in there, keep on being proactive and contact your therapist, hotline, and GP. Please let us know your progress with this ASAP.

Pulling for you,

hapful

Thank you so much guys. I will try to struggle through. I have been worse than this in the past but have managed to come through it, but then again I am not sure how long or how much further I can carry on fighting through these feelings.

My family love me so much, in fact since my mum passed away tragically a few years ago I am the centre of the family, and I know it would break their hearts if I were gone, but just right now I feel like being selfish for once in my life and not carrying on this pain any longer.

I don't post this as a cry for help or attention, it's just the way I feel right now. I think I would rather be dead than put up with this pain any longer BUT I won't do anything silly, I promise you all. If nothing else I have enough booze in the fridge to get wasted, and why not? And I have a shitload of sedatives (which I never take with drink) to try to get me through the inevitable hangover tomorrow, and back to see my GP on Thursday (who wants to put me back on the anti-depressants which I am mortally scared of).

I'm sorry guys, so much, for troubling you. I'm sure I'll be alright and back posting in a few days (just so angry I can't get the baclofen, and too drunk to really push my case for it along other avenues - but I will take Dr Armeisen's book when I see my GP).

I have the meal replacement drinks already, from my last bad phase,

And I will contact the professionals if things get worse, I have no intention of involving you guys in this. I guess I was just so glad of a place to vent, and also hoped that I could get some advice about the Baclofen. I think if can not drink tomorrow my GP may at least be willing to consider it (at least I pray he will, I am scared to death of anti-depressants, they have a very bad effect on me).

8 -- I want to agree with what the others have said. We care about you a great deal. We're glad you consider this a safe place to vent. I do hope you listen to Virgil and follow his suggestions. Please get the immediate help you need. Please also keep checking in with us. We worry about you. All the best.

Thank you so much lena, i will Just drink tonight and then hopefully tomorrow will be a new day. I'm sorry for troubling you all.

8 - Are you alone? Can you call someone just to talk to them like family or a friend, sometimes it's good just to hear a familiar voice. Or maybe you can walk to a pub sometimes it's good to be around people instead of by yourself. You never know you might get a laugh out of it, it might cheer you up.