I didn't get plastered. Not even close. I had my wine, but no more than usual, maybe even less. In fact, after long, heartfelt and tearful conversations about our marriage, my practically teetoler husband had too many margaritas last night and I was the one bringing him water and the barf bucket. If this were to happen six months ago, I wouldn't have even been sober enough to even record what's been going on. So, despite my doubts, I guess TSM is working for me -- even though I'm not seeing the progress I had hoped for by week 17.

I know this forum is only about TSM, but I've been very tested over the last week so I think it's pretty signifcant that I haven't hit the bottle for relief. Not sure what I'm going to do with my marriage -- we have a 3 yr old together and I have 12 yr old triplets from my first marriage, as well as 2 stepdaughters 14 & 15. I haven't "worked" in over 5 yrs, so making a living would be quite the challenge with all of my kids. (Ex pays very little in child support....my husband makes a lot of $ but we have a prenup so I wouldn't get much).

In any case, I have been doubting my progress, as it seems I haven't significantly reduced my drinking (though I'm not drinking well into the night anymore). Instead of drinking to numb the pain, I can't eat and have lost about 8 lbs in the last week. At least I can fit into my size 2 jeans again, haha. (Yeah, that will last about another 3 days....)

So changes are happening, I hope. At least I'm not getting plastered when faced with a huge emotional trauma. Still figuring out how to deal with it in a healthy manner....starving myself is just another f'd up way to handle emotions.

Hoping, this forum is here for us to share and help each other, the technical discussions about TSM are the reasons we are here, but all else goes. Thanks for opening up your heart, your fears really hit home with me. Let me just share that with you, and I send you good thoughts, be peaceful dear.

Oh hoping i am so sorry to read about what is happening for you. Of course you should post here. At least people here understand the context of what you are struggling with while trying to deal with this marriage crisis. I have some understanding of your situation having gone through something similar a couple of years ago with my 2nd husband my drinking really spiked during that period. I didn't have to cope with young children and financial dependence. I know that i often got really drunk and expressed my anger rather than calmly and rationally talking so it is great that the Nal is allowing you clarity which you need an abundance of at this time. I know the weight loss place- it is hard to eat when you are in such emotional turmoil. Just try maybe to at least eat small bits of very nourishing things. I re read some of your earlier posts about the pressure you have felt from your husband about your 'lack' of progress. It makes me so angry to think that he was making you feel bad about your drinking while betraying you all the while. Just hang in there and know that there will be a time when you will look back 'soberly' on this period of turmoil feeling stronger in yourself- whatever the outcome for your marriage.
Take care of yourself.

H4B -

My heart goes out to you. I'm not sure if you remember but a few months ago I went through the same thing. I had found Mr. Providence was in the middle of some pretty hot and heavy emails with some girl online. It did toss me into a tail spin and I was just getting ready to start or had just started the TSM. It was not good time.

However, yes, you should share this on the TSM, it shows that the TSM is helping you cope with triggers and cravings. It's not always about our drinking in the latter months but how we handle drinking in our trigger times. In the beginning I believe that AL controls us but with the help of TSM and Nal we can start to control our AL, without the endorphins and that rush the AL doesn't have the same impact that lures us to hid behind the beast to deal with life problems. Maybe it numbs our emotional reaction because the rush isn't there. Endorphins don't just release while we are drinking anything that over stimulates us releases them. I'm not expert by far, but I find that I have started dealing with emotional and stressful things a lot differently and tend less to hit the bottle in full force. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I can feel the difference.

You have a tough situation to deal with and many things to factor in. I'm here for you if you ever need to chat or talk. I don't think this is all about TSM, we share some of our greatest victories and hardest battles and biggest fears on this forum, it is our everyday life that TSM is benefiting not just being sober but living. I'm an alcoholic - it was too easy before to just say F**k it and quit and go back to the beast. Without encouragement and help from here I would never have stayed on the TSM this long. For this I am grateful and full of humble grace.

I agree with everyone here: we are dealing with triggers and cravings. You can't paint a full picture of your reduced dependence on alcohol without explaining how life's stressors are impacting you on a daily basis. I think it is HUGE that you didn't run to the bottle under these circumstances and bury yourself. That's what I would have done, no doubt, a few months ago. I also have gone through a lot of personal stuff since starting TSM -- GF of 3.5 years moved out a month ago -- and my drinking did not spike. Before TSM I would have been drinking myself silly on a daily basis. Now, I'm learning the piano.

Hang in there, we are all here for your support.

My best,

Nick

H4B

I'm sorry to hear your news. Betrayal in a relationship sucks donkey b@lls - I've been there. Congratulations on your controlled response, and we'll all be wishing you the best possible recovery.

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. I am going up and down with this, one minute believing -- or wanting to believe -- his assurances that he will cut off all ties, the next minute doubting every single word that comes out of his mouth. I have no doubt that he truly loves me....he cried (never seen him do that) just thinking about our family breaking up. But still, I don't think he has/will end it. Just a gut reaction. I'm so glad that I don't feel the need to drown my sorrows, though. TSM is working way better than I gave it credit for. To all of you who took the time to respond to my post, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This isn't something you want to tell your mother, you know? I'm walking around with this pain and haven't told any of my friends -- except you all.

H4b - does your husband know you visit this forum? Or can he find out? If so, you need to be careful what you say here.

I'll be happy to talk via pm if that is of any assistance. Its late here now and I need to go to bed, but I'll post some thoughts to you tomorrow.

No, he doesn't look at these boards at all. He doesn't even know I'm on a TSM board! He hasn't even read the book, so there's not much interest on his part to be informed of how TSM works -- other than to make sure it's working on me.

H4B,
I pm'd you a website about infidelity and stuff. I hope you don't mind (I'm really new here!) but it's very informative. I understand what you're going through. It's very painful, I know.

petal