Have you ever noticed how we drunks are basically fighting with both of our hands tied behind our back when we drink and argue with loved ones? If you are fighting with your significant other -- TRIGGER -- and you predictably reach for a drink, the issue quickly becomes, "Oh, so now you are going to drink." It doesn't matter if you are correctly arguing that 2 + 2 = 4 and she/he is arguing 5. The issue immediately becomes YOUR DRINKING and you are wrong, wrong, wrong every time in that argument. Last night while in a dispute with GF -- TRIGGER -- I didn't drink as I usually do after a blowout. HELLO TSM!! And guess what? The argument remained on-point (and had nothing to do with alcohol) and I proved my point because the issue could not be flipped to, "Oh, so now you're drinking." So, the moral of the story is, if you want to re-gain a little power in the dynamics of your personal relationships, try continuing a discussion you might otherwise have while drinking and do it SOBER. You will re-gain your credibility with a person who has grown used to seeing you run for cover with booze. And more importantly, you will re-gain some self-esteem because you were able to tackle something without the crutch of alcohol.

(Just added one brick to my "house's crumbling foundation" -- 999,999 bricks to go.)

I am at 4 months - since Feb. 6th. I think you made a typo there, GF. We're pretty much at the same spot, I think.

Oh - I meant to add I cannot identify with the arguments, but I'm glad it's better for you, Nick. I wouldn't be good in that situation. I'm a flight rather than fighter -

Houtx is right. My dates are off. February hummmmm, yep! Just seems so long!
Ok now I feel better. Thanks GF!

And today even though I am drinking, I don't feel like it, so it is a low consumption day.

And back to this topic.....yes, definitely less disputes.

OMG, you have no idea how much I identify with this, Nick. My ex-husband would do the most outlandish things, creating complete chaos and draining my business dry. He was the most unteachable man you can imagine so it seemed talking to him to try to find a better way of doing things was useless. So rather than confront him with these issues I usually just went around trying to limit damage and pick up the pieces. But when I drank red wine, his behavior really triggered me, and I'd try to discuss the issues. He was passive aggressive (which is WHY he 'accidentally' messed up so many things), and it drove me nuts when he'd slump his shoulders and play the victim. So I'd drink more, and really get to ranting at him sometimes - and then, just as you describe, the issue was all about my behavior when I drank. I became a ranting maniac for no good reason, according to him.

When I finally got him out of the house and had no more reason to be pissed at him, he'd stop by and TRY to trigger me. Didn't work. His response? He became angry that he couldn't get my goat, and one night tricked his way into the house drunk (yes, he has a drinking AND pot problem - but no one ever mentioned that). He held me hostage while threatening to. . .do bodily harm. I knew he was extremely, extremely dangerous. I tried plying him with more wine to get him too drunk to do any damage, but he got worse and worse. Looked into his eyes and there was nobody home - like looking into the eyes of a shark. He meant business. (Oh yes, he'd filched a life insurance policy on me out of our files the month before, and hid it in the glove box of his truck, so I'd known he was getting sicko and dangerous.)

Anyway, I locked myself in the bathroom with my cell phone and called the cops. Got an order of protection, and didn't see the douche bag (my attorney's name for him) for one full year. Have only seen him twice in two years - and that's twice too many times.

G4M

YOUR TENACITY AMAZES ME.

What a fabulously strong woman you appear to me to be.

I get a lot of energy from you. Thank you GF!

G4M, damn, you have a lot of drama in your life. Horrific childhood, messed up mother and step-father, abuse, twin brother murdered, lawsuits, OFPs... Man, I'm getting drained just thinking about it. I thought I had drama but my life is Beaver Cleaver in comparison. Well, if it doesn't kill ya' it makes you stronger, right? You must be as strong as an ox by now... You remind me of my mother -- she's been through the ringer too. Her dad died when she was 3, sent to boarding school so lesbian/alcoholic mother could do her own thing, alkie sister slit her wrists and died, married my dad, second son died at 6 weeks, happiness and normalcy for 25 years, then my younger brother fractured his skull on spring break at age 20 and had major consequences, then my psychiatrist dad went manic and suicidal late in life (65), hospitalized three times plus two civil commitment proceedings, divorced after 40 happy years, meets high school classmate at 50th reunion three years ago to find a second chance at love at age 70, moves to Boston to be with him, two years later he gets tongue cancer and chokes to death in his sleep at home, she comes back to MPLS last year and then my dad, who she was still on good terms with, dies of a stroke... Never mind my older brother and my own follies... Yes, she meditates a lot and does a lot of relaxation techniques. She would be a boozer but/for migraines so she can't drink more than two, thank goodness. She told me the absolute capper would be watching me die of alcoholism and told me she would move from MPLS if I didn't stop drinking because she couldn't bare to watch it. So she, along with my dad's memory, are my two biggest motivations for getting my **** together.

Thanks for the kudos, ART. As of this writing I'm very nearly out of the woods drama-wise. I live in a fabulous new home with a view to die for, enjoy my animals, and am deeply loved and in love with a man whose main gift in life is extending unconditional love and acceptance to everyone he meets (though he has many other talents as well. . .) My financial situation has improved. My health (so far) seems to be good, and I see my children and grands on a regular basis. It's all good.

Funny, I was talking to my attorney on Friday (he's kind of like a son to me), and he was going through the whole list of what we've managed to put behind me, and pointing to all the good things that still remain. One of the things he said (he can't stand my ex) is that I now never have to ever talk to that c*ck blow again. Yeah, he's graphic, but funny!

Nick, I'm betting your mother is a very spiritually oriented person. Many times in my life the only thing that got me through was calling out for strength. That, and good wine. Go figure.