So this is the beginning of my 3rd week and I've noticed some changes that I really don't like. I know I shouldn't but I miss my buzz, not every night but certainly last night - and - stupid me just kept drinking even tho I knew it wouldn't happen. I felt like an idiot hanging on to the corner of my isolating couch watching a stupid Tom C. movie - the time didn't seem to be moving and I just wanted 9pm to come so I had an excuse to go to bed and save myself from my stupid self.

Any advice on how to motivate yourself once in a state of isolation? I know I shouldn't even let myself get to that point but once there has anyone had success on getting their arse up and busy? I'm so tired all the time and just feel unmotivated lately.

It sucks b/c the 1st 2 weeks were very good, my cravings were nil even tho I still drank some but last nite I just wanted to drink into blackness. There was no trigger except my isolation and tired self.

So this title is off - it should read Mariannes non-progress I suppose but it's better than 'just got nal'.

Hoping for a better day.

M.

Hi Marianna,

Sounds familiar, I pretty much did the same thing on Sunday night but this drinking game has been there for many many years and we cant expect to have it cured overnignt or over a few weeks. You have had a good response from nal and Im just begining to see glimers of hope again. Our brains are complicated as is the disease but if we can hang on to the knowledge that we have seen some progress and we need to just hang in there. I cant remember, is your aim to be abstinant?

Marianne, I could have written your post word for word except my stupid day isolating on my couch started at noon with just the cast of Grey's Anatomy and a Pinot Noir for company. I too, am drinking despite not really getting a buzz, but I must be getting something, else why open yet another bottle? It's almost like it deadens the depression. Now that's really pathetic to write ( and read).

I guess this is the place to flagellate ourselves, confess our sins, admit our shortcomings, get all that self-denegration out of our system, and somehow get through whatever *this* is and have faith that there is another side, there is a brighter, lighter place. Maybe we should get rid of our couches?

You are making progress, just being here and being honest. We will feel better. I keep telling myself that. I just want it to be soon.

Hang in there!

Trisha,

Thanks for the reply. I do want to not care to drink ever again but going 'there' in my head kinda messes with me, so for now I'm taking it day by day. I was actually doing some research on alcohol-free vodka ... twisted I know! It's a habit, I like picking up the glass and tasting my drink - not getting the buzz now so I thought having the taste w/o the buzz would be perfect. Unfortunately I can't find any alcohol free vodka in the US - some in the UK I think but not sure about FDA approval and all which scares me.

writer, I'm so glad I'm not alone! Yes, we should all burn our couches! I don't think I'd be as comfy on the floor! I, like you, just walk right over to the kitchen and aimlessly poor yet another libation - regardless of the buzz.

I still wish there were support groups where we could meet face-to-face and talk but at least we have this forum - I'm gratefull for the written support.

Someday I can just hope this will be a old dream and my alcohol chains will be removed.

Thanks all.
M

So 'they' say that at the age you became a ball-and-chain to alcohol is when you're brain stopped growing - or something like that. Well I'm now at a strange place and I was wondering if anyone can relate...

At week 3 I notice that I still don't feel the buzz while on nal but the habit of drinking has got a hold on me. Also, the last few days I've noticed I get very angry inside while I'm drinking - not sure if it's b/c I want the buzz, if I'm just pissed off at myself for continuing to drink even tho I know I won't feel a buzz, or if it's my 16 yr old rebellious child raising her spoiled head - that's when I really hit it hard for the 1st time. I almost feel like breaking things and screaming! Ok, let me make it clear that this is NOT me at all, when I get mad I typically make a very good, intelligent argument about the x situation; I'm not one that gets physically angry.

Am I going mad??? Has anyone else dealt with this before?

One think I think AA has got right is the whole sponsor thing, it would be nice to be able to pick up the phone in times of issues and have a calm person talk through it. Must add - think that's pretty much all they have right but that's my humble opinion.

M.

Marianne,
So, honestly, how much are you drinking now in week 3? In another post you suggested you're back to square one in terms of intake. Wasn't square one about 20 shots of vodka?

barry,

no where near pre-nal - I was drinking between 15-20ish ounces - now I seem to be averaging 4 shots during the week in the course of 4ish hours and 6 on w/ends.

What happens is I get in this wierd place between 5-7, anger is the best way to describe it, and I'm not sure if it's b/c I'm mad at myself for drinking when this rx makes me not feel it in the first place or if I'm being an idiot and wanting that buzz anyway. It's childish I'm sure but that's where I'm at - reality. I've been drinking daily for so long.. it's what I know and now that's changing and in a twisted way it makes me sad and lonely - alcohol deadend me to life and that's what I'm familiar with. I do want to stop and will die otherwise but this is where I'm at right now. I'm isolating too and I know that doesn't help but I get in that place and I am almost paralyzed in my head. I am the kind of person who usually needs someone in my face to make me change, maybe it's bc of my age and not being raised in the technology era but ... I'll figure it out I'm sure, I need to put on my 'big girl panties' and deal.

I'm still so gratefull for all of you and your support. Please don't take this complaining that I'm not - youall mean alot in my progress.

Marianne

Marianne, I'm no psychiatrist, but your post really struck a cord with me and got me thinking (dangerous.) What we're dealing with here are the five stages of grief.
http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stage ... ief/000617

I say we, because, like you, as a longtime daily drinker, alcohol has been my most constant companion, my longest dysfunctional relationship, my friend and my foe, and has at times taken priority over everything in my life.

And now we're attempting to end that relationship, or to change it dramatically. We're trying to cut the cord. We're in the process of saying goodbye. And even if we know it's the best thing, the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier. So of course we go through denial and anger and sadness and depression and isolation and bargaining with ourselves - over and over, until we can reach a level of acceptance and move on.

At least with TSM, it's a gradual process. We're not changing the locks and throwing our beloved's possessions out the window. We may decide eventually that we can actually have a healthy relationship with alcohol, and find other passions and relationships that drive us. Or we may realize that we can never truly enjoy a healthy relationship at all with alcohol, and choose to shut that door permanently.

Right now I don't know which camp I'll fall into. Thanks to Nal, I've had fleeting glimpses of what it might be like to drink like a 'normal' person. To take it or leave it. To have an 'off' switch. But I'm nowhere close to being able to say goodbye completely. And with TSM, we don't have to.

So maybe what you're struggling with, what I'm struggling with, is the fear of having to live without your lifelong best friend for the rest of your life. That we're just procrastinating the inevitable. But that fear may be unfounded - you may not have to say goodbye. We may find down the road, when we've given Nal the 4-6 months to work or however long it takes, that it's not nearly so hard as we fear it will be. We've read the stories of people on this board who have had success with both approaches, either going AF entirely or dramatically cutting back to where they can enjoy a few drinks now and then, and break that daily chain of abuse.

One thing is for sure: we're both doing better today than we were pre-TSM. We have a plan. We don't know yet the outcome of that plan, but if we pay attention, zealously follow the protocol, and be patient with ourselves, at least we have options for changing our lives. Options we didn't have pre-TSM. And that gives me hope. It doesn't relieve all the stages of grief, but it helps to put things in perspective.

Hang in there; as our friends in AA would say, and Eckhardt Tolle for that matter, you're right where you're supposed to be. And I'm saying this to you because I need to hear it for myself.

Marianne,

Don't beat yourself up - you ARE making progress!

Pick something you liked to do in the past, anything - and do it one time this week. If possible do that thing so it interrupts your drinking pattern. We all have to introduce activities, relationships, etc. back into our lives - otherwise there is nothing left but the booze.

Rich

Writeratlarge and Rich, Thank you for the post. Yes, I agree this falls in the greifing process and I will read about that - thanks for the link.

Reading Barry and BV's posts and seeing them transition into AF folks is comforting but I'm also jealous that they can just say - stop drinking dammit and move on... I suppose that will come for me.

I am a tid-bit pleased with myself... we went to the Ren fest yesterday, I would normally start drinking with a to-go cup of vodka/soda on the way there at 1030am and continue all day... blacking out by 7 or so. Nope, took a nal at 1000, had my first coors light at 1130 and didn't really care about it actually, had yummy slushy non-alcoholic treats during the day w/o really thinking of drinking, had another c/light someone bought me around 3 and that was it!!!!! Left the fest with my prego friend perfectly sober and happy. Actually I was amazed at how many people were not drinking - I'd say 60% or so! I thought everyone was getting toasted at the fest but I was wrong - which I would have never noticed had I been drunk. Hubby and his friends were toasted which is annoying to a sober person but luckily there is plenty of distractions there. I even got compliments on my weight loss and overall look - hum, who knew.?!.

Sunday started of depressed but forced myself off the couch and worked pretty hard in the yard - which I hate but liked the outcome and took away from depression and drinking - well depression - took nal around 4 and had a couple later but hey, normally I'd start at 11 with vodka on a Sunday - throw up around 1 and start again - gross I know but my past reality.

Glad to see the article on nal in the washington post this weekend - there's hope.

Thanks again all for your support and together we can do this!

Marianne.