This is quite long and really just a ramble but I wanted to share my thoughts. Neural.net said in a recent post: "something will not be satisfied" and that statement really has meaning for me.

I woke up this morning and decided that instead of reading today after my chores are done (which I do a lot of) I'd THINK instead. Mostly I react. I very seldom actually just sit and think about something. It's hard to think instead of letting life's distractions fill my head.

What got me started was last night after a pretty satisfying dinner (and two glasses of red) I ate 5 chocolate candies. Rarely do we have candy in the house but, you know, the holidays. I started with two. They were simply divine. But for some reason, without really thinking about it, I ate three more. I stopped because I felt like a pig, was having a major sugar rush, and it was time to go to bed. But I was NOT satisfied, and I could have eaten the whole box.

As I showered this morning I got to thinking (there I go again) about why I did that. I realized that being truly "satisfied" is impossible. I mean that one candy (read one drink) should satisfy the craving for a sweet, or a relaxer (drink) but it doesn't. Why?

This led to this thought: we are human beings which means we consist of two components: soul(mind/intellect/will) and body. When I drink I attempt to satisfy my bodily craving caused by the endorphin rush thing. When I drink I also attempt to satisfy my soul (mind/intellect/will) because it's anxious for whatever reason - not at peace, not content, not at rest.

Taking naltrexone is extinguishing the endorphin thing such that I take a drink and feel nothing - no enjoyment, no buzz, no physical need to go on (or very very little). So I'm not satisfying a bodily need because that need appears to be lessening nicely.

It must be I'm trying to satisfy my soul(mind/intellect/will) because I have a "hole" there which wants to be filled. Now I need to think about that: can the hole be filled with this relaxer called alcohol? I have years of evidence to PROVE to myself that it does NOT fill that hole. I've been pouring booze down my throat for years in the attempt to fill the "need" and I have never been satisfied in this way. I know that because next day the need comes back to be satisfied yet again - for years!

I'm a devout Roman Catholic so this kind of thinking leads ME to think that my needs for this kind of satisfaction (peace/contentment/rest) will never be filled until I'm in heaven with God (at least, I have the hope in a merciful God who will help me get there). I'm not suggesting this kind of thought for everyone but I think (again!) that this provides ME with a clue to MY stubborn behaviour.

I consistently attempt to fill a need which cannot be filled, at least filled by what I'm trying to fill it with! Now, I want to link all this to the "effort" discussions that have been going around for awhile. In my personal case, effort to stop drinking is going to be the key. At almost 3 mos. into TSM I feel that my endorphin pathways (my bodily need) has been smoothed about 90%. However I continue to drink at the same level, and I panic when I think about not drinking, still. My soul is not satisfied and cannot be, this way. So I guess it's time to either distract, or substitute, or simply tough it out.

To my way of thinking this is the only way to break the habit of looking to something that's simply not working. Come January 5 when I enter month 4 I intend to think before I pour: will this satisfy my need to quell anxiety? Will I feel better or worse? If better, for how long? If worse, what will I do then? If one glass makes me feel better will two be even better still? Can I let this go? Can I simply feel anxious and let the feeling wash over, and pass?

I'll post when I have something to report. New Years blessings to all you wonderful people out there!

VERY thought-provoking post. Thanks so much.

Hey,

I was referring to The Beast that awakens and starts pouring itself drinks. Something == the beast (not that this clears it up), will not be satisfied == just wants to drink more. I'm having an AL free day, find myself writing a much longer post than I'd planned.

You said that after you did your chores, you sat and thought. Then you talked more about dissatisfaction. Buddhists do a lot of sitting and thinking. They have their five remembrances:

I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape growing old.

I am of the nature to have ill-health. I cannot escape having ill-health.

I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.

All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

I inherit the results of my actions in body, speech and mind. My actions are the ground on which I stand.

This is kind of hard to get with the jargon about "nature to change" and "inheriting results". I find the following version more immediate. This is said to be a chant that some buddist monks recite daily:

I will lose my youth, my health, my loved ones, everything I hold dear and, finally, life itself, by the very nature of being human.

Now that sounds pretty defeatist, but not if you understand it the way they do. Try adding on a second sentence, "and the more I get this through my head, the less my life will suck". You say,

This is just a statement of the first of the Buddhists' Four Noble Truths: that there is "not at peace, not content, not at rest"... they use the term "suffering". This first truth is just "we suffer". They're talking about exactly that soul-anxiousness that you describe. This one should sound pretty obvious, maybe more like the First Noble "Duh".

The Second noble truth is that ignorance and desire lie at the root of this suffering. At the crudest level desire for money, sex, etc. create suffering: we toil to get the high-paying job, only to find the things that the money buys don't fulfill us, leaving us in a bigger dilemma than when we started. On a subtler level ignorance creates suffering. Many live as if they don't realise the facts above, as if there were a way to avoid losing one's youth, one's health, one's life. Of course one will fail at this, one will struggle, one will cling, and one will suffer emotionally as these things are stripped away, and (worse yet) one will suffer emotionally in anticipation of this suffering.

The second two noble truths are more upbeat.

The third noble truth involves the end of suffering. If you really "get it", and you don't flail around and just live your life, suffering can end. I think this one is really difficult to imagine, since we really only know suffering out of ignorance and desire. Our happinesses are often not really happinesses, just moments of thrill as our ignorant desires are occasionally fulfilled. They say what is left when you remove suffering is very deep, energetically peaceful and happy.

Now if you say, okay, I get it, but I don't "get it"... How can I "get it", in a deep enough way that I don't suffer? The fourth noble truth is how to get it, and it involves a lot of practices, divided into three subgroups: good moral conduct (Understanding, Thought, Speech); meditation and mental development (Action, Livelihood, Effort), and wisdom or insight (Mindfulness and Concentration). There's no reason to go into much more detail than that, the point is: there is some symmetry with TSM here: these are practices designed to change the way the mind works, so that it doesn't suffer. They aren't things that you have to do because some moral authority says so.

Of course I don't claim to actually have accomplished any of this, it is really hard to meditate on nothingness while drunk. But that's my take on how buddhism fits in with the restless unsatisfied soul of the alky. Not that I intended to write that an hour ago when I hit 'reply'...

there's my ramble to your ramble, thanks for tuning in...

neural.net - very interesting. Many of the "truths" you present are really True. Of course where these truths diverge from Catholic teaching is that we can't escape from our suffering as humans. If this suffering is inherent with being human, as your quotes seem to suggest, we're stuck! Of course, in Catholic teaching suffering has value....but I guess you and I should get together over a drink and gab about all this - and not take up the board to do it!! Great thoughts.

I'm a complete fraud though. Last night, after my thoughtful ramble of yesterday I drank again even tho I did not want to and I actually ate more candy than I had the night before. I'm so disgusted with myself.

But again today I'm crying for no apparent reason, feel very irritated, and want my miserable life to end....so my depression cycle is going down again. When I think about giving up drinking I get very very very depressed. What will I do if I do give it up?

I want a magic pill. Naltrexone is not the one - yes, it works on those neural pathways - but it does not make my life better in any way. I have to do that. Nothing else can help me there. I think I will try the amino acid supplements again. I know physically they can help with addictions. Maybe I just need to try different things in combination. I've also suffer from sensitive skin to the point where even the elastic in my undies irritates me!!! What a life! What a stinkin' life!!!!

Another poster said she's convinced that what one does on New Year's Day sets the tone for the whole year - a bit superstitious I grant you but this might be a bit of a spring board for me...so tonight no booze, no candy. Tomorrow, no booze, no candy. I'll get back on the eating right wagon, make a huge effort not to have any booze, order some all cotton undies on the net and hopefully have better time of it. Happy New Year to all.

I read both of what you had to say so I'll put my two cents in for what it's worth. My fix for the whole in me is faith in someone higher than myself that I hold on to everyday who gets me to another day. My hope is in this little pill NAL that will someday get me and my husband to freedom. Hope and faith for me are two different things. When I first started tsm I stated that I prayed for a way out of this hell we were in and God brought me here to this method and with all the chatter on the internet about alcoholism that was a miracle!


corkit

Interesting indeed, BGH... serious thoughts for the new year & new decade. I have been concentrating on being positive and feeling SOOOOOOOOO much better now than I did at the end of last year. OMG - I was sooooooooo sad, so disgusted, so at rock bottom on NY eve 2009.

I am happily alone right now, nothing horrible hanging over my head, gotten lots of attention, (I have to be appreciative of that right there)..alls well in my world, my children, family and friends. Money is tight as it is for everyone...but I am in a good place. For the 5th time in years and years, I have no resolutions to lose weight or get in shape! I'm pretty much the best I can be right now. I love that (it's been alot of work & practically a miracle really LOL!!) I have much to be thankful for...

Including this site, which has been my next-to-best-friend!! Hope the issues get resolved. Sorry to hijack & go off on a little different thread, BGH, but I agree with all your thoughts about "thinking"...I do alot of it myself. Just wish this method were more sucessful for me like it has been for you. I am still enjoying the wine as much as ever...sigh/oh well!

Happy 2010 & hope the weather is exactly what everyone wants it to be :-))! For us in H-town: fun, cold weather ahead. We ran into SNOW going to Dallas on Tuesday!! So fun & beautiful - yes, Texas has snow!! bbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Cheers to 2010! XO

and in the time I posted this, the comments about your undies, wanting "to end it all" (altho I know that was just an expression of frustration...??) LOL

Things are not as bad as they seem & quite frankly, it sounds like you have it quite under control! Two glasses of wine, 5 pieces of chocolate???!!! Darlin dear - you are doing fine!! Lighten up on yo bad sef and enjoy those 2 glasses of wine. Go ahead and have another just for me and unwrap another good piece of chocolate along with it. I am trying to figure out what you think is bad about what you're doing.

I have had a whole bottle of champagne and 2 glasses of red wine as I write this. Feeling a bit tipsy, duh, but had venison sausage (...have I told this whole venison story??!! LOLOL) and a good lunch, so a "base" for drinking. I am failure still. I am not drunk, but here I am drinking as if I don't care - and I don't on this particular night.

ugh - cheers and a Happy 2010!