Waiting to Exhale,

I say TRUST your instincts. Go slowly.

Best of luck.

bb

Finding a decent relationship while you're suffering from an addiction is definitely tough. I've had far more than my share of relationships, and addictions are always something that's a stumbling block. If you're addicted to something and the other person isn't, there's a strong chance that your unwilling dedication to your addiction can make the entire relationship impossible. If the other person IS addicted to the same thing, then there is a tendency to encourage each other, and quitting becomes nearly impossible without a blood pact between you.

Honesty is always important, but dating is a process of managing perceptions and expectations. The primary issue is that it's hard to believe the good things and easy to believe the bad things. This means that the good things about us have to be demonstrated, often repeatedly, before the other people will accept them, but the bad things only have to be hinted at. It may very well be that your positive aspects will completely overwhelm the negative ones, but if you start by telling them all the negative ones they're never going to find that out.

My policy has always been to tell people about something important when it can be expected to actually impact them. If it doesn't impact them and can't be expected to, then it shouldn't matter to them. OTOH, if they ask then I've always found it best to answer honestly, otherwise you're really undermining your future with that person.

We could make a new thread but honestly I love the input and am getting great benefit from it. I've been separated for 3 years and dating has been a completely wild scene. I have met some really unbelievable characters. But that is another story. Dating with an issue like this is a challenge but some of the issues I have seen in others are unreal compared to me. ( I know , don't compare). Some people are in major denial about stuff. At least I am not there!

I want to just give a little respect where it is due. G4M I cannot imagine what it feels to have a twin murdered. My heart breaks for that and you shared it with me so I had to acknowledge that. I am unbelievably sorry for that . I have lost 5 friends due to addiction and anti depressants. ( not that that is your situation). I totally miss all my friends that were not as fortunate as me to have great support both financially and emotionally. I am lucky. And I am grateful . I am in a place were I actually am in control of alot but addiction stuff is a slippery place. I am holding on to this method and have found really great benefits from it. I actually drink less than I have in 20 years and haven't had any negative consequences from drinking episodes since " I can't remember". And that is not because of booze. I am really better. If you knew my life before and my life now anyone would say it is better. So for whatever that is worth I want the best for people trying this method. Sorry for my terrible way of expressing myself but I am not good at that.

I had such a long input but dumped it.... still sober....

Screw RR, love come in the most wonderful and messed up ways...

My very wise aunt told me...

Love someone who loves you more than than you love them, I never got it until I loved someone who loves me more than I love them.

The rest is just life.

Ugh - good lord - finally!! LOL

I have been locked out for days...this site wouldn't accept my password, etctectec. No admin has responded finally just started a new abbreviated login name. Whew!! Been biting at the bit to say things in the various threads - as for this one & dating!!! LOL -

It's a TRIP! Of COURSE we are going to keep doing it - but no one ever reveals their every little thing in the beginning. It's camoflauge at its best. Don't we all think if the right man came along, we would "be better because he is worth it" crap? Or is it crap? If that man who broke my heart suddenly came back - would I and could I make MAJOR changes to be with him?? Yes, definitely. But possibly quit altogether?? NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOL - thus I do not date guys who say they don't drink. Been there, done that, got criticized & split...it's an ick factor all the way around.

But hoping I will be able to have a couple, go to bed and not think "ooooh, I need more - this doesn't feel right". And realize THAT thinking doesn't feel right. And, WTE, when you are talking about this man you are dating who you suspect drinks too much - isn't it funny how we do not want that in a partner??!! My FWB is the same way - he irritates me when he calls at night (and I "gift" him by answering LOL :-( because I do not like hearing that slurring of his words, and more.

Funny - Hello kettle? You're black!!

Houtx: No offense, but you're the ONLY person that has mentioned any issues like this and it seems to be a recurring theme. Do you have a firewall or proxy that might be giving you issues?

I have no idea what happened - I just tried to login the other day and was rejected. It happened so many times, I used the psychedelic code w/ my usual username & password, etcetctetc - nothing. So now I have re-registered as simply "houtx"...and I am on. Just one of those quirky cyber things, I suppose. But I must be here!! LOL I have things to say!! :-)

Here, here!!! Do tell!

OK guys, here's another one, just to 'prime' potatoes story-telling pump.

I met this man at a nice little bar in a nearby ski resort area, about an hour away. It's a place where I'm familiar with the staff, and always feel comfortable. He's told me he's in his mid-50's, is a salesman, and is raising a couple of boys on his own.

While I'm driving there I get a call from him saying he's delayed about an hour. I agree to meet him later, and stop to do some shopping to fill in the time. I get to the restaurant and he's at the bar chatting it up with the (female) barkeep. I take a seat near him, and we're looking over the wine list. This fellow looks at least 10 years older than he claimed to be - one of my pet peeves. (Hey, do they think we're not gonna figure it out?) He tells me he used to be a wine distributor, and is quite the connoisseur. He proceeds to ask the barkeep if she will let him check out one of the opened bottles behind the bar, and she hands it to him.

He takes the cork off the top, and sticks his nose right onto the neck of the bottle to smell it! By now I've finished my first glass of wine, and order another (NOT the sniffed at one. . .) He starts telling me about how he dated another woman and spent almost 80 bucks on her, and it was all for nothing since she didn't even let him take her to bed. He lets me know that he's brought a bottle of wine with him, and it's in his car, so he doesn't have to spend a wad of money.

By now I'm fully aware this guy is a Loser. So I ask him if I can see his I.D. He gets flustered, but pulls out his wallet, and as he's handing me his license, sputters that he's really 62 years old. I tell him there's no way I would date a man who would try to start a relationship based on a lie. . .and then I pull out MY wallet, tell him he doesn't have to be worried about spending a single dime on THIS date, pay for my drinks, and leave. He almost fell off the barstool. (Later I thought I should have told him to take his bottle of wine to the nearby hotel, get a room, and I'd meet him there in a half hour. . . )

About a week later I'm back at that restaurant, and the barkeep comes over and says she had never seen body language as stiff and 'stay away from my space' as mine had been, and asks what the hell was going on. I tell her, and she starts cracking up. It seems this jerk had arrived at the restaurant early, and was trying to pick her up b/4 I arrived (she's a 30-ish cutey). . .and that was why he wanted me to get there an hour later. Guess he got unlucky twice that evening. LOL.

OK 'tater. Your turn. . .