potato, if you re-read your own post I suspect you answered your own questions. A new man. Stressful. A 'sort of fight.' Stress. New school program. Stress. Your new man doesn't drink, and you're hiding the fact that you have had a problem. . .you don't know how he will respond. VERY stressful. How have you habitually handled stress, and feeling out of control? Drinking, of course. So, now you're drinking a bit more than you were, and fearful of backsliding back into addiction. THAT IS ABOUT AS STRESSFUL AS IT GETS.

It looks like a vicious circle has set up, and being a control freak you can sense things spinning out of control. My suggestion? Give up control. Let this process be what it will be. Let the relationship be what it will be. Don't worry about school. . .it's gonna be what it's gonna be.

I know this may sound glib, but it comes from a deep place. For the past 3+ years I've gone through more traumatic events than most people have in a lifetime. (Really, it started way back in 2001, with the murder of my twin.) I won't go into more detail, but suffice it to say that just when it seemed things couldn't get worse, they DID. One thing piled on top of another.

Like you, I was a control freak. I designed my life and universe, and it damned well better cooperate with the plan! When the Universe refused to march to my drums, I started to fall apart. I did everything in my power to make things 'work.' But nothing did. I lost everything I held dear, with the exception of my home/farm (and that's still in the balance). Husband. Business. Friends. Family. Cars. Trucks. Animals. . .you name it, it was gone. The harder I worked to hold on to these things, the faster they slipped away.

Finally one day I woke up with an epiphany: things are what they are. We have no control over people, circumstances, or events. We only have control over how we respond to these things. From that moment on (with only a few lapses ), whatever came along, I simply said - out loud - "It is what it is," and shrugged my shoulders. I've learned to 'go with the flow,' and it's made all the difference in the world. And, since that time, the flow has ever so subtly begun to change toward my direction. Stumbling upon The Sinclair Method, and now this Message Board, is just one example of that! Meeting my wonderful soul mate was a real turning point. . .and now we're both on the path toward sober living. Is this a sign for good, or what?

I'm learning that when we accept things the way they are, and stop trying to anticipate what's coming, and resisting what IS - we are more in tune with the life around us. When we become tuned in this way, life becomes less stressful. We become able to view things with more clarity, and to make better decisions based on what is, as opposed to what we want them to be. Letting the Universe operate as It sees fit opens up an intuitive sense in us that is blocked when we try to control the Universe.

My thoughts are with you. I believe you are going to enjoy success beyond your wildest expectations.

.Now. Breathe

Fantastic post, G4M- I think we could all get a bit of wisdom out of that:)

In rehabs they tend to tell people (from what I have read ad seen in documentaries- may not be entirely correct!) that it is best to avoid starting a new relationship for at least two years into recovery!

While I disagree with it personally, there must be a reason that they put that 'rule' out there.

I guess just to go with the knowledge that new relationships may lead our craving/drinking to increase may be enough.

I wonder, potato - what would be the worst that could happen if you just 'fessed up to your new guy? Tell him you realized you had a problem, and needed help to get it under control. Learned about TSM, have been practicing it for several months. . .and it has enabled you to become a moderate drinker? Let him know that on occasion you still enjoy a drink, and sometimes it helps you to relieve stress - but that you no longer drink above moderate levels.

Best case scenario: you'll have revealed something important to him, and your level of intimacy will grow. No more secrets, or sneaking your drinks. Stress levels go waaay down.

Worst case scenario: he'll decide he wants nothing to do with someone who admits to having had an alcohol problem, and splits. Well guess what? That 'other shoe' was going to drop sooner or later anyway -- wouldn't you prefer sooner, if it's gonna happen? Then you get that stress issue out of the way, start to school. . .and meet someone even better than this guy!

See? There really is no 'worst case scenario,' except in our minds. . . Things are only 'bad' if they go against what we want and expect - the thing is, what we want might not really be what's best for us in the long run!

I encourage you to be honest. The Universe (sooner or later) will honor you for it.

(Gee. Maybe I should rename myself Socrates or something. . .)

Definitely awesome advice G4M. Someone once asked me how to deal with testing anxiety, and my answer was somewhat similar, although more circumstance based. He would get a test in front of him and totally freeze up and his mind would go blank. I suggested he tell himself that he'd already screwed up the test so badly that anything else he did would only be an improvement. Looking at it from that perspective, he realized that he had nothing to lose by just plowing into the test and doing his best.

I think your advice is better for more general purposes, and definitely the way to go where relationships are concerned.

Goin4more wrote:
I'm learning that when we accept things the way they are, and stop trying to anticipate what's coming, and resisting what IS - we are more in tune with the life around us. When we become tuned in this way, life becomes less stressful. We become able to view things with more clarity, and to make better decisions based on what is, as opposed to what we want them to be. Letting the Universe operate as It sees fit opens up an intuitive sense in us that is blocked when we try to control the Universe.

My thoughts are with you. I believe you are going to enjoy success beyond your wildest expectations.

.Now. Breathe[/quote][/quote]
I feel that your thoughts are really helping me right now I am so fighting change, but when I sit back and do not fight, I am in the corner without too many hits or blood. I am kind of down right now so that's why I have not been writing, just reading and paying attention to all of your good insights.


.Now. Breathe[/quote][/quote]YES AND I SHALL DO SO

Thankyou Going4more!! That was trruly a helpful and awesome post. On here i talk but in reality I tend to hide somewhat. I really have to say a heartfelt thanks for your reply and I actually did take a huge breath when I read it. Something else that was happening and still is at the time I didn't write. That is that a 30 year friend of mine went into hospital recently for anxiety and depression, He was not a drinker, took off from the hospital over 2 weeks ago and no one has seen him since. I was putting up posters and dealing with the family etc. That has been a challenge as well. But I will allow the universe to do and be as it is. Thanks. As for the relationship, I may tell him some stuff soon but his ex of 18 years was an alcoholic and that is why he finally left for good. Although I am not nearly at the level that he describes her as, I am concerned he may bolt if I let it all out, but hey, then it wasn't mean to be. Thanks for taking the time to be so helpful. . Also best wishes to all.

Awwwww ladies - those of us on the dating scene & trying to hide this monster...we are in a different league. I have a FWB who is a heavy drinker & thus it works when we are together b/c we can drink and it's all fine. I have told him about TSM but he is skeptical and it just never comes up...yet I am avoiding him for more reasons than just that.

I am looking for love. For real love that does not involve hiding, sneaking or lying...and I wonder seriously if that is ever possible...except for G4M who has found the perfect man. So far I have lived a very good life and feel like the best is yet to be...don't know that I will ever include in my "getting to know you" conversations the fact that I typically drink 40 - 50 units in a given week. He doesn't need to know anything unitl it becomes obvious...and I am hoping by that time, this method will miraculously kick in and I am "normal". Crazy thoughts indeed -

Believe me, I get it. I was on the dating scene for 2+ years before meeting my soul mate. And of course I wouldn't have the "I'm an alcoholic" conversation on the first date. Or the second.

But you say you're looking for love? Well hon, that requires honesty. At some point, when you sense it might be 'the real deal,' then you can't hope to hide this elephant that's residing in your closet. Not to reveal the problem is dishonest, and in any relationship you will reap what you sow. (And just how long do you think such a secret can be kept, anyway?) On the other hand, becoming real, and revealing intimate details of your struggle, will only increase your level of comfort and mutual support - IF this is the relationship that is really meant to be.

You don't think I got such an amazing SO by being stupid or secretive, do ya?

You got me on this one, WTE. With addiction there will always be an element of hiding the truth, and I certainly understand your reluctance to 'come clean' during a new relationship. I guess, since my SO and I shared a full bottle of wine on our first date, there was little hiding the fact that we both enjoyed alcohol more than the average person. I do recall several occasions when I told him I thought I had a problem. . .and he assured me I didn't. Believe me, we both knew better! It wasn't until I discovered TSM - a way of really getting OUT of this vicious cycle - that he 'fessed up to having a problem as well. Since he mostly only drinks beer, and his 4 a.m. wake up time requires that he quit drinking at a certain point most nights, I had been unaware of the grip it had on him.

We have such an amazing relationship. . .I can only imagine how good it will be once we get this monkey off our backs.