So, I'm 10 days in. Yesterday was my first NA day in a while. I actually made it 2 or 3 days Jan 1. I wanted to go two weeks without, but I think that made me drink more, which lead to the decision to finally make the appointment to get the the Nal.

Anyway, yesterday was fine. I was hoping to do another today but that's not happening. Took the pill and planning on a drink in a while. I find myself fantasizing about down the road maybe I can be normal and enjoy a drink or two like I used to without the Nal. (Because, of course I don't enjoy it like I used to.) Yes, I've read the stuff. NEVER drink without it! But I AM fantasizing about it. In fact, after 1 day AF, I'm back to thinking I could have just 1 drink before the pill. Also, thinking maybe I should forget this whole thing.

All those thoughts went through my head. But I'm not going to do that. I am having a glass of wine now (after the pill). I am enjoying it ok, and plan on staying with the program.

But, has anyone else struggled with these thoughts? And stayed with it and got past those things?
Also, what WOULD happen if I decided to have a drink without the pill tomorrow, or in a month? Is it really like I would be back to where I was before I started Nal right away?

The problem with drinking without the pill is that your opioid receptors are are upregulated in response to the Nal, so you drive yourself backwards at double-speed and re-teach the lizard brain the glories of alcohol. That's bad enough, but then with the additional buzz you get you're much more likely to want to repeat the experience.

I'll quote someone from the other board here:

"As time goes by, drinking changes. You do it, but it's just not so much fun. More time passes and its sort of "bleh." The fun is greatly reduced. You start to realize that what you are experiencing is mostly the down side. Actually, it's all you're experiencing. You start to wake up a bit. For me (and only for me) what I experience is just the really awful part of drinking without the fun. It's the down side. It's the aspect of drinking that makes you feel terrible without the fun side up front that makes you disregard feeling awful."

So, be aware of this. First, there's the reduction in drinking, which gives a sort of withdrawal. Secondly, there's the actual ill feeling that alcohol gives you when the endorphins aren't there to mask it. You're becoming more conscious of the actual effect that alcohol has on you, similar to what a "normal drinker" might feel. We, otoh get an exaggerated blast from the endorphins and that's why it slips past our defenses and hijacks our "Reward Center" (aka Lizard Brain), which then tells us all about how wonderful alcohol is (and all the while the booze is busy chewing the hell out of our lives).

Soooo, now the lizard is pining for it's "favorite toy" and it's trying to talk you into fetching it back.

Just realize where the message is coming from. This probably won't be the last pleading that you have to put up with. It's actually a good sign that TSM is working as designed. Just understand this one thing:

The lizard is relentless. You have to be more relentless.

Nastrovia!

Thanks again, Joe. Your answers are helpful. One thing that might make it easier would be if I had reason to believe that I would be able to find that good feeling again, somehow without alcohol. (and without the negatives that go along with it)

Is that a realistic hope?

One of the features of TSM is that upregulation that I mentioned. You can use that to your advantage by engaging in an endorphin-releasing activity somewhere around 48 hours after your last dose of Naltrexone. The upregulation will give you an extra blast of reward if you (for instance) get a good, vigorous workout. Sex, spicy food, hearty laughter from a great comedy, chocolate, anything that would release endorphins. The timing and the level of effort required may vary, one TSM'er reported that they got a blast out of doing housework the very next morning after their last Nal, to give it a shot and see what works best for you. This will help teach the brain a healthier replacement for drinking. This is known as "Selective Extinction", covered in Chapter 9 in "The Cure for Alcoholism".

Your brain may also find that something that used to make you happy is suddenly more interesting now.

I remember when I first started TSM that I thought, that I would think, that I would want to drink without it. But then once I got started the thought of drinking without it was way far to scary then not. I guess it depends on a lot of things but I still very very well remember what it was like for me to 'just have one drink' before TSM. What that meant was just have one drink, wake up on the floor the next day with no recollection of how I got there.

No thanks, I'm not going back to that.

So the question you have to ask yourself is, what are you leaving behind?

Honestly for me I've never not once in my life ever enjoyed drinking like I do now. The only reason why I 'enjoyed' drinking before is because after some how struggling through a whole day at work fighting back withdrawal that first drink of the night was a God sent cure to the days suffering. But now I actually know what it's like for 'normal' people to drink. I can now truly have my 'just one drink' and then go do something like go for a hike, read the news paper, fix some things around the house etc...

Think again.