I'm not sure what to think. My psychiatrist had initially prescribed nal to reduce cravings, not to do TSM. Last week, I showed her some info on TSM and she was intrigued and supported me. Then, my DH called her about a bad argument we had that turned physical, which led me to call the police. My DH told her I did this b/c I was loaded. (I wasn't loaded, but I did have about 3 glasses of wine). Anyway, he left her a message about this situation and then I think she spoke with our marriage counselor (and I had not signed any papers to allow the counselor to give my psych any info). So now she wants me to quit drinking entirely until our next appt. (Right!) She is really into AA and wants me to attend. I have been to about 4 meetings and won't go back. I am only into Week 5 of TSM, and this happened at Week 2. I don't feel any support from my husband, my psychiatrist, or our marriage counselor about TSM. None of them have done any research about it, except for the news article I shared with my psych. I have the book but my husband hasn't bothered to read it, despite my attempts to get him to. He has read a brief summary about it, but that's it. I know this takes time, but what if everyone around you doesn't support you and just wants you to quit? If I could, I would!! That's why I'm doing TSM! I feel like I'm in this boat by myself in the middle of the ocean. (Except for everyone here, of course). How do I get the support I need? I want to stop going to marriage counseling altogether b/c I feel ganged up on by my husband and the counselor...my DH claims that every problem in our marriage is b/c of my drinking. (Nothing to do with his very troubled 15 yr old daughter who lives with us and cuts herself, purporsefully mismanages her diabetes, has been suspended from school 3x in the last 18 months, pierced her own nose b/c her dad wouldn't let her see her boyfriend, lies, steals from me, I could go on....) Sorry for the vent, I'm just really frustrated and I'm ready to ditch it all!

Your H sounds like a classic abusive man who manipulates the system. Men like that show genius at getting the woman's treaters and sometimes friends & family to turn on them. Your psych and counselor were horribly unethical IMO. HIPPA laws prevent disclosure of any medical info; federal law and regs are even more stringent with respect to chemical dependency issue disclosure. Empower yourself. Start by talking to your local spouse abuse shelter counselor (they are everywhere) and hold your psych and counselor accountable. Find new treaters.

Thanks. I would've never considered my DH to be abusive, but that's an angle I hadn't considered, especially with regard to turning counselor(s) and family against me. I know he is genuinely concerned and has been for some time. Especially b/c I wouldn't admit I had a problem until about 3 weeks ago. While initially very supportive, since then he has wanted to take the reigns regarding my treatment, calling rehab clinics and the like. I need rehab like I need another messed up 15 yr old stepdaughter! I really want to give TSM a decent shot. I like the logic and science behind it. Regarding the federal laws about disclosure of chemical dependency issues, does anyone know where I might find more info about that? My psych and our marriage counselor work in the same building and know each other. I told both of them that I was wary of sharing information back and forth. I just don't like the idea, period. I tell things to my psych that I would like to remain confidential, and vice versa to the counselor. My psych is extremely well-regarded in the community, has a stellar reputation, especially among physicians and other mental health professionals, and I do like her very much. She is warm & friendly yet professional, extremely thorough and truly does care about her patients. I am more leery of our marriage counselor. His heart seems to be in the right place, but he admittedly does not deal with addiction issues and I think he needs to stay out of that altogether.

DON'T DITCH IT! DON'T GIVE UP!! I know it must feel like the world is against you, but you know this will work!

I'm sorry that they don't have your back....maybe you need other councellors, pyschiatrists?

Christy

Again,your local spouse abuse crisis center is the start. No excuses for your psych OR counselor. Thye know the law and they blew it. A good family law attorney might be good, or a personal injury attorney will be familiar with disclosure laws. A good google search will get results re: disclosure laws. This is so wrong. I hope you stand up for yourself. Is "DH" divorced husband?

Lena, Christy, Waitingtoexhale--thank you, thank you, thank you. I feel so alone and your support is incredible. You all make such valid points. Yes, I AM going to stay with this program, no matter what my psych, marriage counselor and DH say (BTW, that stands for "dear husband --" not my term but one that is usually used to refer to husbands on other boards. Oh yeah, he is also divorced, as am I.)
One of my best friends called me tonight to ask about my "strange" behavior lately. She has no idea about my drinking problem. Well, I think she does, but she hasn't actually said anything about it, only inferred. She pointed out that I haven't been acting normally of late. That I say out-of-nowhere stuff, forget things, seem out of it sometimes. I know she is concerned but I also worry that she will spill the beans to others if I tell her what's going on. She tends to do that, and we live in a small town. Do any of you confide in your friends about your drinking problem? I confided in my husband and got burned so I hesitate....the only person I tell these things to is my wonderful sister.
Again, thank you all so much for hearing me out. I hope I can return the favor at some point. You have all given me so much encouragement, hope and understanding. I am honored to be on this journey with you.

Hi H4B -
I think Lena offers the best legal advice here. I am sooooooooo sorry for your situation. It truly does sound like you are being manipulated. Stand up for yourself and DENY DENY DENY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It does NO GOOD to 'fess up to this stuff to anyone other than oerhaps a trusted therapist, who in my opinion, is/both are betraying you talking about your case to each other!! So unethical. Call them down about it. FOR SHAME!!

And tell them that if anything gets back to you about anything via your "DH" or anyone else, you are going to report it/file a grievance w/ the State Board of Health. These medical professionals get all uppity about themselves - especially the psyche ones. So turn it around and psyche them out and tell them "what for"!! Seriously - don't care how entrenched you are in your therapy, look them in the eye and pretend you are talking to a 4 yr. old on how to behave. TELL THEM to keep your issues confidential and that you are SHOCKED and APPALLED they have not. Maybe that session will be 15 minutes where you call them on the carpet about their abhorrent lack of medical ethics, etc...then get up and say "I am still deciding where I am going with this..." or something.

Damn arrogant psychologists - psychiatrists are worse. I just got a bill: $75 for "15 minutes of med evaluation" - from the NAL doc!! 15 minutes!! Unbelievable.



You will feel empowered, they will step back and the balance of "power" will be where it should be...in your hands. Mental health issues seem to always come down to the powerful vs the powerless. NONSENSE.

Good luck, H4B - don't know what else to say to address your situation. We are here for you!

Sounds like DH has gotten to your friend. The old "Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't out to get you" applies here. WE GOT YOUR BACK.

Hoping,

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. It's a horrible feeling when you have no support, but I believe keeping the truth to yourself is better than trusting someone you're not positive about. I don't like lying, but your well being is the most important thing now. You can always come here for support - there's nobody here who isn't conerned about your welfare, and I know you can trust the advice you'll get from so many who've been through serious problems like this. Hang in there.

Hoping,

I can so identify with your situation with your DH. (Can we change that to mean 'damned husband'? ) I was married for 32 years to a man everyone thought was this great, funny, personable guy. He was a huge manipulator. Negative to the extreme. Moody. Insisted I be a 'stay at home' mom, but had no motivation or ambition to actually earn a livable income, so it was always up to me to find ways to earn money from home while appearing to be the 'cared for' at home spouse. When I started becoming very successful, and there was a demand for me to travel and work on the road, he absolutely hated it. Made it as difficult as possible. Quit his job to 'work' for my business (so he could become my 'road crew.') Yeah, right. He drove a wedge between myself and my staff - all good friends who had worked successfully with me for years. He got more and more manipulative and emotionally abusive, and then blamed all our problems on my escalating use of wine. After all, the problem couldn't be HIM now, could it? He was the good guy, I was the alcoholic bitch.

We were building a house, and he threw my money around like water (he really wanted the business to fail so we could go back to where I was at home, and always at his mercy). Let contractors do shoddy work, and then when I blew at them, sided with them and made out like I was just a f'in unreasonable bitch. It got absolutely insane. He had our kids thinking I had gone off the deep end - all except my daughter, who administrated the business and knew he was draining it dry.

The thing with abusers is, they make you think you're the problem, and then convince everyone else that's true as well. The fact that you admitted to having an alcohol problem played right into his hands. Now he's even got everyone wondering if you're the problem, including your counselor, psych, and best friend. It keeps you off balance and confused. The call to rehabs and your psych is classic for a control freak - divide and conquer. I'd take a bet that he called your friend, as well. He's taking away your support system, and getting them into his corner. Now he's got the perfect weapon, and you put it into his hands. The behavior your step-daughter exhibits is typical of that of a child with a controlling parent. . .they do negative things to themselves to show the parent that THEY DO have control, at least of their own bodies. It's something the parent can't control. (BTW, your drinking may be the same thing for you. . .and now guess who just got control of that, or wants to?) The girl needs you to understand this, and to take her side whenever possible. Cover one another's backs against what is probably a common enemy.

You absolutely should not continue therapy with someone who bridged confidentiality. That is the foundation that trust is built upon. You can't afford to be open and forth-coming with someone who will side with a probable abuser, and reveal confidential information with another person, professional or not. I would press charges. (Hey Nick. . .opinion?)

While DH may seem to want to get you 'fixed' in rehab, AA, whatever. . .guess what? I'm betting he'd rather have you in frequent relapse mode, where he's in the driver's seat, than actually cured of this disease. Heck, he hasn't even read the book - how 'caring' is that?

It might seem I'm presuming a lot based on limited information, but I am highly intuitive - and reading your post was like rerunning a film from the past. What's between the lines is more revealing than what you actually wrote. Your very first order of business is to get back into the driver's seat of your own life, and take control of things. You gotta gut up, GF! Confront your psych. Tell your husband in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't back off, you'll go live somewhere else while you work this thing out for yourself. (And then, if he doesn't back off, get the h*ll out of that toxic environment long enough to get some perspective.) That's what I finally did, and once I saw clearly what had been going on all along, it was very, very easy to end the marriage. (I'm not saying that's what YOU need to do. . .but you may both need counseling from a more objective professional, and you need to see the real picture and not be blinded by the one DH has so carefully painted.)

Good luck, and keep us posted!