Hello Everyone,

Most (maybe all) of you have never seen me here but perhaps have seen very old posts under my handle 'N101CS'. I am the 'owner' of this board (by which I mean I pay for it and have admin control of it) but have not been active for several years. There are some reasons for that, which I'll explain shortly. Before I go on, rest assured that the board is fine, it's not going anywhere and I'm not planning on any changes. I'm just here to give an update on my situation. A happy update

Last week I enjoyed the passing of 3 years without touching a single drop of alcohol. Well let me qualify that: I do drink non-alcoholic beer, which supposedly can contain up to 0.5% alcohol (but you'd never feel it before your bladder exploded), and I will sometimes make beef bourguignon or coq au vin and taste a spoonful of the wine (to make sure it's not funky) before dumping the entire bottle into the pot with the meat. But other than that, I haven't had a single drink and have zero desire to.

I started drinking in my early 20s after a particularly bad breakup with a girlfriend I thought I was going to marry. That, coupled with some mild-moderate social anxiety, made drinking an easy way to self-medicate and definitely helped in social situations until later, when it started to become a hinderance. As the years marched on, I started drinking more to cope with a very stressful but unfulfilling job situation and the booze started taking its toll on my marriage and ability to get anything useful done outside of work hours. I never had a problem confining my drinking to 'after 5' and never had even an inkling of a craving during the day, but once work was over I'd drink and generally wouldn't stop until I went to bed. Sometimes it was 2-3 drinks; other times it was 10. It sort of depended on how stressed/unhappy/pissed-off I was on a given day. But it was every day and on the numerous times I tried to cut back or quit, the craving to drink was unbearable. I was fully convinced I was a full-blown addict/alcoholic/basketcase and nothing I tried to do to stop seemed to be working.

One Saturday (not a work day) just a little more than three years ago I finally had enough of my shitty job and shitty boss and quit over the phone, in anger... after doing some drinking... with no other job lined up or on the horizon. That was bad. I had just walked out of a six-figure job and my stay-at-home wife was furious, but leave it to me to figure out how to make it worse. I decided it might be a good idea to jump in the car, go to the office and get all of my crap, so I did just that. I made it there, got all my stuff and headed for home... and then the second best thing to ever happen in my life happened (the best was my daughter!): I got stopped and arrested for DWI. Thank goodness, too, because while I refused all tests (as one should always do) they got a warrant and drew blood and I later found out my BAC was .28 - that's right, boys and girls, in a testament to my level of tolerance for ethanol, I was walking and talking and mouthing off at the police with 3.5x the legal limit of booze in my blood. I'm lucky as hell I didn't kill anyone and/or leave my daughter daddyless.

And that was the last time I drank anything at all. I didn't have any withdrawal symptoms and have not had any cravings at all (except once, see below). I'm done drinking. It was fun while it lasted but the downside is a hell of a lot bigger than the upside (which is a big fat zero).

I got through 18 months of probation (ended November 2013) with no issues at all but because of the high BAC I had to have a breathalyzer interlock on my car for the whole 18 months. That was actually the worst part of the whole affair. There was a requirement to attend three AA meetings and I can honestly say that the first AA meeting was the only time in the last three years that I have actually wanted to drink. After that first meeting I unilaterally decided to go a couple of SMART Recovery meetings and pray that would satisfy the judge (it did). One of the probation requirements was to have a drug/alcohol evaluation and interestingly, despite my being completely honest, both the counselor and the test they gave me (called a SASSI) indicated a low likelihood of a problem. That was about six months post-DWI and I would have been pissed to be stuck in rehab since I wasn't drinking at all (and didn't want to). Thankfully it all came out fine and the probation folks trusted me and left me alone aside from a monthly 5 minute meeting.

I'll spare you most of the lemons into lemonade stuff but a couple of years ago I landed an awesome job with a gigantic global company whose name you know well. They didn't bat an eye at the DWI. Petty shoplifting or assault would have denied me the job but DWI isn't even on their radar. Unlike my previous employer, my 'new' one (I have been here for two years now) appreciates my contributions and rewards me for them. I am now 1000% more productive in my non-work hours, sleep much better and all of the strange GI symptoms alcohol causes disappeared long ago.

I was fully aware of the damage booze was capable of inflicting (in so many areas of life) but had always managed to skate just this side of the cliff. Intuitively I knew there was a problem but I really did a good job of keeping everything together. I know others aren't that lucky. Mostly unknown to me, one of my neighbors was in a similar situation at roughly the same time but in complete denial - unwilling to address it. In the end he lost a beautiful wife, sweet daughter and his home (his wife kept it) and even that hasn't convinced him. The last time I saw him was in the grocery store and he had a shopping cart full of bottles of wine.

I have no idea why quitting has been so effortless for me since the job loss and DWI. I guess maybe that was my personal 'rock bottom' but it could have been so much worse.

Finally, I have come to realize a few important things that I believe are true:

-While alcohol is a wickedly effective anxiety medicine, it causes the very anxiety its user is trying to escape. After a while it doesn't matter if the original reason(s) for drinking go away or resolve themselves - the drinking itself causes enough anxiety to self-perpetuate. I honestly think drinking-induced anxiety is the reason most people continue to drink.

-Your cravings are very real and can be very intense, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are physically addicted to alcohol. See above.

-You can quit drinking without AA, naltrexone, rehab, etc. but it will take something other than just being told that by someone and you won't believe it until it happens to you.

-The more you think or talk about alcohol, the more opportunity there is for nagging little thoughts about having 'just one' to enter your mind. Staying away from meetings has been helpful to me. It's easy to not think about alcohol, but it's hard to do if you're talking about it!

-Once you adopt the mindset of a non-drinker, hanging out at a bar with others who are drinking is not a big problem and is made better if they have a decent quality non-alcoholic beer to hold onto so you don't feel like a putz.


I get that that was a giant rambling mess, but I tried to hammer it out pretty quickly. I might edit it over the next few days.

Happy new year and I wish everyone here the very best of luck!

N101CS/N101CS

I want to personally ty for providing this room. It was instrumental in my recovery and allowed me to regain my life.

Thank You, Thank You for this Board as it has been a great support for me on my early path of TSM!

Hey thanks for keeping this board running for all these years, you have helped a lot of people get their lives back on track, including me. This board is like a library for TSM information.

It's interesting to me what you say about not focusing on alcohol...........point taken.

Thanks for hosting this site, it helps many !!

N101CS,

First I want to thank you for this site and second I would like to thank you for this incredibly thoughtful post. Your story mirrors mine in many respects and has inspired me. I feel like you are telling my story in this post except I have not stopped drinking entirely.

I have not visited this site on many months in part due to a subject that you cover in your post. This site is a godsend in many respects and I have learned so much from the members but I did not want to constantly think and read about alcohol so I stopped logging onto the site a few months ago. I wanted to focus on my family and life and try to clear my mind while doing the Sinclair Method. However, I felt guilty the other day for not following through on my promise to post weekly on this site so I logged on and stumbled onto your post which truly did move me.

I remember going to an AA meeting about 3 years ago when I first got treatment for my problem. The speaker got up and talked about how when he was drinking there were no flavored vodkas and now there are vodkas in dozens of different flavors. It was ridiculous. I never went back to AA and discovered the Sinclair Method after doing some Googling. I did not want to get into a 12 step program where everyone obsesses about alcohol and their problems with it. Like you said I feel it leads to craving alcohol more. I do not say this to disparage AA or any other abstinence/12 step program but I felt it was not for me. I fully understand it has helped countless people but I decided to embark on TSM insted.

I have been taking Nal in earnest since April of 2014 (much like PlantPro who has also been an inspiration to me... Hi PlantPro). I have had my ups and downs in drinking amounts but have recently began building in 4 alcohol free days per week. I also exercise regularly which helps tremendously in terms of rerouting my mind from thoughts of alcohol and giving me a feeling of well-being. Since starting Nal I do not get drunk, black out, day drink and rarely have I drank to excess like I did before starting TSM. I do not track my intake but there has been a decrease. I was a heavy drinker for 15+ years so I believe it will take a while to reverse my drinking habits. I have faith in Naltrexone as does my primary care physician (who wants me to work towards abstinence but understands it is not that easy).

I just wanted to respond to your post because I am grateful for it. I also wanted to comment on some of your insights...

"While alcohol is a wickedly effective anxiety medicine, it causes the very anxiety its user is trying to escape. After a while it doesn't matter if the original reason(s) for drinking go away or resolve themselves - the drinking itself causes enough anxiety to self-perpetuate. I honestly think drinking-induced anxiety is the reason most people continue to drink"

*I have been thinking this since I realized I had a problem in my mid-twenties. I drank to rid myself of anxiety and then felt that same anxiety ten-fold the next day. I have also noticed that it is easier not to drink if you didn't drink the day before. Sometimes I find that even on TSM I will drink the next day just to get rid of those nasty hangover/nalover symptoms. Alcohol is the ultimate anxiety reducer and it is even better at creating that anxiety just as you say.

"-Your cravings are very real and can be very intense, but that doesn't necessarily mean you are physically addicted to alcohol. See above."

*I also had no withdrawal symptoms despite drinking very heavily for 15 years. Although I do know that physical addiction will happen with enough time, especially when daily day-drinking starts"

"-You can quit drinking without AA, naltrexone, rehab, etc. but it will take something other than just being told that by someone and you won't believe it until it happens to you."

*I believe this but I have chosen the TSM method"

-The more you think or talk about alcohol, the more opportunity there is for nagging little thoughts about having 'just one' to enter your mind. Staying away from meetings has been helpful to me. It's easy to not think about alcohol, but it's hard to do if you're talking about it!

* Totally. Although every AA and 12 step member will completely disagree with you and me I feel that not constantly talking/thinking/hearing about alcohol is better for recovery. Like I touched on above, I will never forget the speaker at the AA meeting I went to that started listing all the new flavored vodkas that are available now (pretty sure I went home and drank after that meeting).

-Once you adopt the mindset of a non-drinker, hanging out at a bar with others who are drinking is not a big problem and is made better if they have a decent quality non-alcoholic beer to hold onto so you don't feel like a putz.

* The day before you wrote this post I went to a dinner party with friends. We have dinner with these friends once a month. They are not heavy drinkers but they do enjoy a few glasses of red wine with dinner. I decided before this last dinner party that I wasn't a drinker (in essence adopting the mindset of a non-drinker) to see how that would work for me. You know what? It freakin' worked. I had a great time nursing my diet coke and water. I was offered wine a few times and a few puzzled looks when I declined but that was it, no more pressure and no cravings. NOW IF ONLY I COULD ADOPT THIS MINDSET FOR LIFE!!!


Anyway, enough rambling. Thank you for your post N101CS and congratulations on finding a way out. I will continue my TSM journey with the goal of becoming a non-drinker like you.

Onward and upwards!

P.S. the story about your neighbor was especially sad. Alcohol can take everything away and people will still go back to it. No wonder its classified as a disease.

To second the anxiety thing...I don't have a citation, but there was interesting research recently arguing that tobacco abuse has a similar cycle. The "relaxed" feeling you get from cigarettes is nothing more than the satisfaction of the anxiety caused by...tobacco. So, it's only relaxing if you're addicted to it, just like alcohol. But, to take it a bit further, alcohol is not just relaxing, as it can cause pretty extreme non-relaxed states, like moodiness, irritability, anger, and hyper-emotionalism (the latter being my main problem when I drank).

N101CS, I'm curious about the history of this forum, which I've been on for over two years. Your story didn't mention your own use of TSM, so how did you ever get involved with running the forum?

Not to pry, but I was wondering the same thing....

Hello N101CS - and like everyone else a HUGE thank you for this site. It is instrumental in so many people's recovery. I am also intrigued to know why you started this if you haven't used TSM yourself? Are you happy to share that story?

His old posts tell the tale.