EDIT: WARNING - THIS IS LONG - started typing and couldn't stop!

Have been a lurker here for some weeks, but have decided to take the plunge and embrace the Sinclair method.

I'm a 40-ish Irish male. Began drinking when in my mid-late teens, like most of my friends and acquaintances. I was a clever, but shy teen, and alcohol definitely made me feel more confident and at ease in social sessions. My drinking for the first few years was similar to that of most of my friends - periodic, almost all at the weekends and usually reasonably heavy. I certainly wasn't unusual, but looking back I guess I drank a little (maybe 5-10%) more than the 'average' amongst my social group. I did (very) well in school, went to college and did well (but not as well as I should have) - tapering off towards the end of my college career. Went back for post-graduate studies and did well again. Starting going out with a girl just before this and we were very happy and in love. We'd go out often, but on average I was probably drinking a good bit less than before that, but a little more frequently - maybe 3-5 units 5 times a week rather than 10-20 units twice a week. Life was good. I was coming towards the end of my studies, had a good social life, was physically fit and well etc. Then my gf got pregnant. It felt pretty scary for a bit, but our families were great and we got through it. I was a pretty young dad at 23, but we had a beautiful daughter and we were happy even if we didn't have much money. I got a reasonable job (at a tough economic time) and did various bits and pieces (private tuition etc) to bring in some extra money, which was useful as my GF was suffering from post-natal blues - that helped to get us some childcare options and for her to get back out and about. We decided to get married and with some hard work saved up for a wedding and a deposit on a house. As the only ones in our social group to have children our social lives took a bit of a hit, but we'd make an effort to get out individually or to have friends over. My drinking was pretty occasional at this stage - maybe a bottle of wine or so once a week over dinner or when friends called with another 1-2 nights out every fortnight (maybe 6-10 units) and the odd big blowout with my 20-something friends every couple of months (maybe 15-20 units). Plus a family dinner once or twice a fortnight which might be another 5 or 6 units. An average week was probably 20-25 units spread over 4 sessions or so - i.e. pretty much textbook recommended (maximum) amount and pattern

That was pretty much the pattern for the next year or so after the wedding, as I worked hard to get some savings together. Shortly after our daughters second birthday we managed to buy our home and life was great - loads more space, if a lot more debt My wife was back working full-time and I was still working away as we were trying to manage all the bills - standard newly-wed stuff I guess. The one downside I guess was that we a little bit geographically isolated - we were now some distance from my wifes sister (whom she was very close to). That was more or less the pattern for a couple of years - our social life became a little disjointed as we couldn't afford much in the way of baby-sitting, so it was typically one or other of us would go out, but rarely enough together. A lot of our socialising together became centred around having friends over to the house, or going to child-friendly activities during the day. Drinking wise wasn't very different in terms of volume or frequency - but more centred around home and less around other places. Financially we were now a little better off and could afford a few treats - the odd weekend away, or some nice food and wine at home - it became something of a ritual I guess - 2/3 times a week I'd get some fresh ingredients and a few nice bottles of wine and run up a good meal. Consumption level was definitely rising, but probably still in the region of 30 units a week. I certainly had no sense of craving if I didn't have a drink, and no real problem putting a cork back in a bottle when it was time to go to bed.

My career was going well, but my wifes was stalling and she was quite unhappy in her job and suffering from mild depression (which ran a little in her family). After some soul-searching she decided to re-train and change career - which entailed quitting work and taking some lower-paid occasional work while she figured out what she wanted to do. We took a bit of a hit financially but she was happier and so was I. Our daughter was now in the local school and things were good. Drinking wise - no real change. After a year or so of this, my wife decided to formalise her career realignment - necessitating a return to college for 2 years. We took a loan out to help us cope with the drop in income and extra fees etc and so began the next step.

Life was now pretty regimented - me in work, her in college, daughter in school/carer. Evenings and weekends were mainly her studying and me staying out of her way, once basic housework and childcare etc was done. Things were busy, and our social life had taken quite a hit - but overall there wasn't much to complain about. Looking back now though I see that I was picking up bad habits - the nice meal and bottle of wine between two was more typically becoming her having a glass (or not) before heading off to study and me finishing the bottle. I'd also taken to having a glass of whiskey a few times a week. I was drinking most days by now, and often (effectively) on my own - doodling on the computer or reading a book while my wife worked on her assignments/study etc. My consumption was probably 35-40 units a week now. I certainly didn't feel I had a problem - again I didn't have much problem stopping drinking when it was time to go to bed, and I didn't think about/crave alcohol before having a drink - it seemed more like a ritual - much like I'd have a coffee at breakfast, I'd now have a whiskey/glass of wine most evenings. I was rarely drunk (as most people would use the word) and wasn't waking up hungover or missing work, family obligations etc. About the only effect that I perceived (and not solely alcohol related) was having put on weight, but again, nothing too spectacular for someone heading towards 30.

As my wifes studies were coming to an end, an opportunity came up for me to change jobs - moving to something with much better prospects etc. I took that job and got stuck into it - really enjoying the change. At the same time my wife finished her studies and began a new career. We finally had a little disposable income and she was much happier in her new job - whose hours also meant that our daughter (now 6) got to spend more time with her after school. My job was demanding, but rewarding. Drinking wise things were similar to above, except that my wife was drinking more regularly - albeit at lower levels than me. We'd gotten friendly during this time with some local couples and used to socialise a lot with them. Times were good again, and it was nice to have buddies who would regularly drop in, or who you could meet for a beer.

Our daughter was nine now and things seemed to be great. One couple in particular we would spend a lot of time with. The guy wasn't working so he was always available for a beer, or dropping in for a chat. Sometimes I'd come home from work and he'd be there already. He'd call in maybe twice a week and one of us might go out for a beer or coffee - You can probably guess where this one goes.....

Within a month or so of the first time he called over on his own, my whole world seemed to melt. A part of me had always felt it wasn't a good idea him being there without me there, or going out for a walk with my wife - but I guess 'Sally' beat 'Harry' in my minds-eye movie re-run - I'd just tell myself to grow up. My wife started to act pretty odd - make that very odd, and I had suspicions - which of course I told myself were paranoid, but I couldn't make sense of her behaviour. Within a week I couldn't take it any more and we had a huge (albeit quiet) argument that ran through a whole night till dawn broke. She swore blindly that she was not having an affair, but told me 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore'. Chapter and verse was quoted about things I did or didn't do, did or didn't say etc I was shattered - a total wreck. This had come completely out of the blue for me - from having a wife who'd send me "I love you" text messages twice a day to this in just 1 week. It didn't make sense, but she just seemed to have an arsenal of answers. I felt physically sick for two days, and totally alone. She reassured me again that there was no affair - he was just someone she had confided in about her problems - and that was why she was acting weird. I wanted desperately to believe her. I read every self-help thing I could get my hands on. I tried to be Uber-Husband. But it seemed to be one step forward and three steps back. I was having to make excuses to my family about why they weren't seeing her. The only person I talked to was ......... our mutual friend He acted very odd around me, but I charitably put that down to the akward situation. After about a week of this hell, I was emotionally and physically drained - crying regularly, not sleeping. The only thing that seemed to help me sleep was alcohol so I drank. Maybe 50 or 60 units a week for a couple of weeks. Then she told some of her family what was going on. That was a huge relief to me - they were very supportive and baffled by her behaviour. They thought it was just 'a phase' or a crisis of some sort. Buoyed by this I stopped drinking entirely, started exercising a lot, getting back in shape and feeling positive - trying to be the best father and husband I could. It didn't last long. I caught her out and she admitted everything. In one perverse way it was actually a relief - I knew I wasn't mad. I resolved to do everything I could to win her back, reading as much as I could on the subject. I told my family and some close friends what was going on, and that was a huge relief. It was still a very stressful time though - trying to be the perfect husband and father on one hand but having to see your wife sneaking out to meet her lover So I drank. A lot. For 6 months. Every night I'd have 8-10 units until I felt like lying down and falling asleep (or passed out - take your pick).

After about 6 months I'd reached a mental milestone - that was it - marriage over, time to move on. This was about 5 years ago. I tried talking to my wife about separation (an essential precursor to divorce in this country) but we never really got anywhere. Never a practical person at the best of times, she was essentially ostrich like now. And I guess, from her shoes, why bother - she was living in a nice house, going out with her lover whenever she wanted, being a mum as much or as little as she wanted to. I found myself a lawyer and started the ball rolling. Unfortunately with the way our system works - it assumes that each party will act rationally in their own interests - the 'fail-safe' mechanism being slow and tedious to work through (unless you can demonstrate violence/danger etc). The de facto legal situation here is effectively that 'child is best with mother', so I was more or less trapped - I couldn't kick my wife out (although I tried asking her to leave), and I couldn't leave or I'd almost certainly be blowing any chance of an equitable financial settlement, and far more importantly becoming nothing more than 'weekend dad'. Long story short (and yes I'm aware of the irony given the length of this post ), over 2 full years after deciding the marriage was over, my (now ex-)wife settled in court for less than I offered her at the outset. We both lost out big time, once all the bills were considered etc. But hey - that nightmare was over.

Sadly, my coping strategy for that three years of hell was alcohol - plenty of it. Fortunately I didn't drink drive, I didn't get really legless drunk (much), I didn't lose my job (although I'm just about treading water in the sense that career wise I've basically stalled for 6 years now), I didn't get into fights or arguments, I didn't injure myself, and thankfully I don't seem to have done any major damage to my health bar putting on a lot of weight. Since the end of 2006 (when the ex moved out) I've been a lot happier as a person - I have a great relationship with my daughter, and a civil one (and business like when it comes to parenting matters) with the ex. I've a good circle of friends, and by and large I enjoy my job. The one major blight is my drinking - I know I drink way too much and I want to cut down or stop entirely.

Some 12 months ago I first found the 'my way out' site and decided to give it a try. I kept a drinking diary for a month (noting I was averaging about 70 units a week, with typically 1 AF day per week). Then I stopped. My plan was to take 30 days AF and then evaluate (as per MWO). So I did - and it was damn hard. I managed to get there - using a variety of strategies to 'distract myself' and going to bed early every evening to remove the temptation to have a drink while watching TV. I had a variety of (not especially severe) symptoms during the time - shakes, anxiety, palpitations (guess I should have read up on that aspect a bit better!) and went to the doctor. She examined me and prescribed blood and urine tests for Liver, kidney etc, as well as scheduling me for a cardiac exam (I'd had some basic tests done previously - all good). All returned reasonable results (with elevated liver values for some of the hormones - can't remember which) and no impaired function detected. I lasted out the 30 days - in part knowing that there was a big social event with some work-mates coming up at the end. Interestingly enough the aspects I had the least difficulty dealing with during this 30 days were nights out in the pub - I was happy to drive there, have a glass of water or a soda for a few hours and go home.

The end of the 30 days came and I had my big day out. I had a fair bit to drink (as did most everyone there) and enjoyed it. I conciously too the next day AF - with some effort, but it wasn't long before I was slipping back. I was keeping an eye on my consumption and kept it to 40 units for a few weeks, then it slipped to 45, then to 50.........

That takes me to where I am today. 1 year later. I'm back to drinking about 70 units a week. I drink most nights - usually 1 AF day per week (the morning after which I feel great!). I'm thinking about drinking a lot - often resolving to cut down (even for that day) in the early part of the day, followed by cravings/anticipation in the evening as I look forward to 9pm (my drink threshold time). If I'm distracted - e.g. exercising, at a movie, theatre, working late etc it doesn't really bother me, but when I finish I often have a little voice telling me I deserve a glass now. Curiously I have very little problem being in the company of people drinking (even heavily) if I have some distraction - e.g. at a concert, sports event, or in a pub where there is a distraction - televised sport, card game etc. I can go out, be done for the evening and come home and go to bed. I do suspect I have a stronger craving the next day though I do seem to find though that if I'm on a natural high, e.g. after exercise, I feel a need to 'come down'.
I don't like where I am now. I find myself staying up late - pour a drink, start watching tv. finish drink. get a refill till tv programme finishes. Tv program finishes. Decide to finish drink. Get refill to watch end of second programme etc. After 1 or 2 drinks I get the munchies, so I start eating. Result - fat boy (once) slim (ish!) Poor sleep as am dehydrated. (Usually mild) hangover the next day - lethargy mainly. Not able to concentrate well. Repeat. Occasionally get next to no work done - sometimes when 'working from home' (which I legitimately can and do at times) and have to play catch-up (fortunately something I've become fairly adept at).
Find myself occasionally preferring to stay in with a drink and an activity (book, DVD, computer etc) than go out
Hate that I've let myself go physically speaking to the extent I have
Hate that I have/had such will-power in all areas of my life and can't manage it here (my drinking)
Sad that the go-getter, physically active person I was is now only really active mentally and lacks ambition
Feel like hiding at work sometimes as I see younger, (maybe-) less-talented versions of me overtaking me career wise
Love the relationship that I still have with my now 15 year old daughter who lives with me
Hate that I feel frustrated/resentful when my normal parental duties (nighttime chauffeur) on occasions interferes with my drinking
Sad that I may end up in a place where I can't have a glass of wine with a nice meal, or share a drink with my dad
Scared that I'm surely killing myself with my drinking if I don't change radically.

But ya know what........

I'm hopeful that in making this cathartic post I've committed to a new chapter, one where I reduce my drinking WAY down, and maybe even quit altogether.

I've ordered my naltrexone and as soon as it arrives I'm full on ZX-Spectrum (nerd reference ). Wish me luck guys and gals. We all need a bit..........

1-4-the-road

Hey, another writer. What a great post. Glad to welcome you here. I think there is something in this story that we all can relate to in part. Will enjoy sharing your journey and am sure that there will be many more posts to give you the support and encouragement on your journey.

Thanks LaBear

Glad to be here and hope that I can both be helped and be of help

Great note!

I certainly can identify.... excuses for drinking are "it's a bad day"; "it's a good day"; "it's time for dinner"; it's a "lunch with friends"; it's a "lunch without friends" "I can't sleep"; I can't "wake" up....etc.

Sometimes I try to remember and imagine how it was as a child where alcohol wasn't even in my vocabulary....the saying goes "act as if"...(fill in the blanks) and your mind will believe it....maybe with Nal and a lot of practice...

I've just started the Sinclair Method myself....however, I live in a remote part of NW U.S.....no Dr.s here with "open minds". I hope this forum will help me get through.

Good luck to ya!!!

Hey there, one-4, I thought I'd just skim your long post, but your writing style kept me reading. Man, can I identify with a lot of it.

You're in good company here. . .looking forward to sharing the journey.

Welcome aboard, mate! All that junk was necessary for your present happiness & know the future is brighter for you too!

Wow awesome introduction...you are making me late for my daughter's soccer game!

Welcome aboard - so many similarities....can't wait until you can start with us!

Hi 1-4
glad you finally decided to come out of the shadows! It's great to have another paddy on the site. am just going through an irish divorce myself and i know the process itself would drive you to drink -haha- even if you didn't have all the emotional stuff to deal with. That is if you can afford to after getting the legal bills- I'm still disputing mine. I have also been in that place of thinking you are going mad living with someone who is lying and denying. Well done for hanging on to your sanity and for your determination to get custody of your daughter. Living here i know what a bad deal fathers frequently get in the irish legal system.
I really hope for you and your daughter that this method works for you.
Keep us posted- you obviously have a way with words!

Thanks for the kind words ppl

SBTS - I don't have 100% custody of my daughter, we have shared custody and she moves between our houses (we live less than 1 mile apart) every few weeks. Its a little disruptive for her, but the flipside is that we both have an involved parental role - neither of us are solely the good guy (treat provider) or bad guy (disciplinarian), and because we live close by its no big deal for our daughter to pop over or back to pick up something required.

Looking forward to getting started now, when my naltrexone arrives - I've received shipping notice, so hopefully a week or less.

One thing I forgot to mention above, and I'd be interested to hear if anyone had any similar experiences - it refers to short abstinent periods I've had. As noted above, I've been a daily (or at least 4 of every 5 days) drinker for a long time now - probably 8 or more years. Yet I've had a few periods in the last 3 years or so where I've (somewhat sub-conciously) been abstinent (or almost abstinent) for 3 or 4 days at a time - and in each of those I haven't missed not drinking or in most cases even thought about it.
e.g. 1) I was on a holiday in Las Vegas two years ago for a week or so and didn't drink anything for 4 (total) of those days. This despite sitting at a card table with people drinking and being offered free drink each night! Only on one day did I have anything like my 'normal' pattern of drinks, and the rest (3 or so) I had a glass or two of wine with dinner and then nothing - very unusual for me, as normally once the lid is off the bottle I want more! Not once during the abstinent days did I conciously say I wasn't going to drink, or even think about having a drink, and on the (very) moderate days I didn't feel any urge to have more.
2) I was on a holiday last year that involved a few days of travelling at each end, sandwiching a week in another destination. I was with a long-time buddy of mine - not a big drinker, but far from abstinent. Those few days at each end were similar - we might have a glass of wine or a beer with a meal, but after one or two, I was quite happy. No urge to stay on at a bar/restaurant etc. In fact I was often the one suggesting the early night!
3) After experiencing some pain in my shoulder I went to the hospital ER to get it checked out one Friday evening a few years ago (a good friend who was ostensibly much healthier than me had had a heart attack, so I had resolved to get any symptoms checked immediately. This was also in the middle of all the lovely marriage breakup aftermath mentioned above). The preliminary investigations were fine - ECG, blood tests etc, but they wanted to do a stress test and some other stuff. Being a holiday weekend that wasn't available till Tuesday (people in this country being very obliging with timing their illness dontcha know ), so they kept me in for observation, given that I have some family history of heart disease. So I went from Thursday evening to Tuesday night without any alcohol, and I can honestly say I didn't even think about it once - and it wasn't a case of beeing too scared to either - I was quite calm and relaxed once the initial diagnosis came through, if anything I was frustrated and bored - which would normally be classic triggers for me.

So - has anyone else had similar, or is it just a case of the abstinent periods above being of too short duration to have any significant cravings? I guess some people have cravings to get up in the middle of the night and drink, or first thing in the morning - I've never had them either (thankfully).

I have experienced similar situations and I guess it depends on how far you are really into the addiction. The more you drink and or binge I think those experiences become further apart. Before TSM I would get disgusted and not drink for 3 or 4 days at a time and didn't really think I had cravings although I could be anxious and that may have been a craving. I still can string 3 days together but not without wanting to drink. Everyone is different the point is we drink too much regardless.