Very much enjoying your posts; don't you dare think about editing or censuring yourself. Please. It's good therapy, not only for you, but all of us, too, and will be useful in the days and weeks and months to come. If you don't capture it in the moment, the nuances of feeling will slip away. We all need a witness to our journeys; here we have many, even is some only view and don't actively participate, we can never know what words or anecdotes may strike just that precise chord in someone to prompt them to take the next step.

I'm particularly enamored by your description of waiting in line at happy hour in the liquor store. We all know the cycle of scheduling our visits to various liquor outlets; I live in a tiny town, so it was/is even more important for me to stagger my, ahem, patronage. A couple of humbling moments come to mind; one time going through a convenience drive-through to get a couple of bottles of wine. When the cashier handed me my ATM card and receipt, she said, Oh, your last name's ______. You must be Jackson's mom. Yup, that's me, mother of the year. Didn't return to that establishment until it was for a gallon of milk many months later.

Another was a day I took an early lunch, because my hands were shaking and I felt so wretched that I wanted to be at the liquor store when it opened at 11am. Like you, I had already come prepared with a large to-go cup of ice, some cranberry juice, and 7-up I believe, to which I poured from the fifth of vodka procurred at said establishment. I don't know if that particular cocktail has a name or not, so I'll just call it the BenderEnder. I always went in with my own recycled bag or my large Prada tote; otherwise you're walking out with a paper sack screaming DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE - THIS MESSAGE COURTESY OF THE STATE OF IDAHO.
My, how we plan and scheme for our drink. My hope is that one of these days soon I'll turn that kind of day-in-day-out thinking to more positive passions. Anyway, I'm sitting in my Jeep, gratefully sipping my BenderEnder through a straw, and I watch as the people come and go, clutching their screaming brown bags. At least most of them went home or wherever they were headed. Me, I just sat in the parking lot until I felt I could stomach returning to work.

So see, I'm the CRAZY alcohol addict you swore not to marry. And I'm sure my XBF (of 5+ years until last month) is thanking his lucking stars he didn't marry me. Though, curiously, I just got txts from him last night and today (what are we, 16? No, I'm 54 and he's a very young, handsome 62) after not hearing from him for weeks, well, since I started TSM. He misses me. He's praying for me. Love, R. Totally co-dependent relationship. I have a feeling I know EXACTLY what he's missing, or I'm just being particularly demeaning to myself. He's been sober 15 years (cocaine but he doesn't drink or do anything) so he knew exactly what he was getting into since I was still drinking (and admitted being an alcoholic) when he met me. Anyway, I second your thoughts that this has to be done on our own. Although I'm lonely, I prefer that to him being one of the witnesses to my struggle right now; he's seen plenty.

Regarding your questions, according to Drs. Eskapa, Sinclair, and Whiting (mine), one 50mg pill is all you need per 24 hours. Best taken close to when you plan to drink, at least one hour before. If I was drinking around the clock, I might add an extra 25mg mid-way but even that shouldn't be necessary. Again, I'm just going by the book. Others talk about drug half-life and whatnot, but Nal stays in your system for 48 hours, hence the advice about receptor upregulation:

“Naltrexone offers a window of opportunity for pharmacologically enhanced learning of healthy behaviors. If you last took naltrexone on a Friday afternoon, Saturday is a washout day, when the medication is being removed from your body. Starting Sunday afternoon, roughly two days since your last dose of naltrexone, you are in a state where patients report that doing those alternative behaviors is especially reinforcing. A highly flavored meal tastes great. Even the first bite of chocolate is fantastic. Sex is more rewarding. Exercise feels marvelous. The supersensitivity gradually disappears over the next few days, so it is wise to make an effort to engage in the healthy activities during this window while you get more reinforcement.”

Excerpt From: Eskapa, Roy. “The Cure for Alcoholism.” BebBella. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZS ... =505924585

As to the sensual enjoyment, that has varied for me. I so tired of making the liquor store rounds that I joined a couple of wine clubs to take adventage of the generous introductory offers. With the Nal, I've definitely experienced a slow-down in my rate of drinking, and sometimes, yes, it almost made me nauseous, but other times I've still enjoyed the taste and in fact took great delight in recording thoughts on various varietals.

Everyone's experience is different. I hope yours continues its auspicious start.

Cheers!
Sheryl

BV, I agree with the others....keep those posts coming. It is cathartic to share your personal story of woe, and also helpful to the rest of us who suffer from this life-impairing disease. I can so relate to the alcoholic "hiding" behavior. I am the alcoholic "crazy" woman that believed my relationship problems were always my spouses issues. After all, wasn't I beautiful. intelligent, and sought after? Shouldn't my partner feel proud that they were with me? When I think back on all the turmoil and anguish I bestowed on those who chose to love me it truly makes me ill. Now, with nal, I look to the future when I can be a sane, "normal" human being who can give love as well as receive it.

Immediately after starting nal, I had negative physical reactions that culminated in a revulsion for alcohol. I was very nauseous and the smell and taste of booze was repugnant. This passed somewhat as my body became adjusted to the med. I just completed my second week and the cravings are down somewhat but not gone. I am, pretty consistently, able to keep myself from serious binging, but realize that it will probably be several months before the pharmacological extinction actually manifests itself. However, for the first time in many years, I have hope. That is what keeps me going.

Stay strong and take it easy on yourself. None of us became alcoholic overnight and we will not be healed overnight. It is a process.

Cindy

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That was a pretty humorous post -- obscure aviation terms galore. Still, I was able to visualize briefly what drunk flying must be like, as I've had that "Oh sh*t" feeling when drunk multiple times, when you really want to think but you can't.

That's great that you read through all those "musings" of mine. Like you, I simply found writing stuff out at first very helpful. My only reminder (which I've said many times) is that TSM doesn't ultimately work by changing your actual experience of alcohol (although that's helpful), but by a subtle sub-conscious transformation of thoughts about alcohol (the metanoia). The fact that it has already changed your conscious reaction to alcohol means you are likely sensitive (or super-sensitive) to Naltrexone. The heavy drinkers around here who have not been successful with TSM seem to have never had that experience.

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I don't mind! Keep any suggestions going, I'm an intelligent woman - when I'm not drunk.

Love the sharing - everything is helping.

Hey, it's almost lunchtime and I think I'll order an ice tea with my salad!

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Oh I feel so much less crazy knowing you'all are doing/have done things I have! I thought everyone around me was walking around normal! I too used to visit different liquor stores but finally gave up and just humbled myself to one - they act like they don't know me but whatev. and b/c the goose was becoming xpensive - ghetto big handled gilbeys for me kind dear and stop laughing. i'll save the goose for outings. The purse is big enough for a small bottle when it came to movies and shopping and festivals of any sort. Can't say I haven't held my nose and used those port-a-potties for sneaking either which is pretty darn gross. oh camel packs were a big hit with me too - gotta stay dehydrated right.

Airlines are the best - a bunch of 3oz 'creams', 'shampoos' etc... yup I'll just buy the real stuff at my arrival. also it's 'ok' to be at an airport lounge at 7am with a vodka cranberry - what?!? We like to go 'on vacation' - we're not alcoholics - dude we're on vacation and no miss, I'll take 3 minis just in case you're slow... what are people looking at!

Cruise - no problem - there's a web site where you can buy empty listerine bottles - one for each bag. won't try to just clean out a real one though - epic fail.

Being pulled over with a full drink in the console - just lean over like you're getting your registration and put it on the floor. done. When asked why you're shaking say you were taught to fear authority and make sure to lean your right shoulder around. worked.

And always - I mean always - chat up the bar keep - nice strong hand on the poor is a good thing.

Someone stop me!

Crazy I put this in writing! ha ha ha

Today might be tough - wx in DC is absolutely beautiful and the outdoor pubs are calling my name but lunch was successful at least.

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