just wondering if anyone has a partner who is totally in the dark about their drinking problem? i know my husband knows i drink a lot and sometimes i question whether he thinks i drink too much. in fact, i'm sure he does, but he doesn't say that much. he drinks, but not a whole, whole lot. maybe 3 on a given night on the weekend, with a few beers overall during the week. i want to tell him, but i feel like he will be so surprised to find that i have such a problem -it's like i would rather him confront me- how do i begin? i'm just wondering if maybe i'm the one who is in the dark and maybe he does know? i don't know. i feel like i need to tell him and let him know, selfishly, for myself, and get this secret life out there, where i'm not so alone.
-pp

Hi Pickledpepper!

I like your name I can kind of relate to your question about your SO being in the dark. It is like having a white elephant in the room that nobody has acknowledged. When I found The Cure I announced what I was doing to my entire family in hopes of support. My Father has been following my progress and has been there for me 100%. On the other hand, my Mother acted like I just told her the upcoming weather forecast when I let her know about the program and hasn't asked me a single question since.

You need support for what you are going through. I think you should tell your Husband about it. Just remember if he doesn't support you the way you are hoping, you have a ton of support on here! Plus, you are doing this for yourself and you can't predict how other people will respond.

I wish you the best of luck! Feel free to contact me any time if I can help you!

~Pam

I don't think it would be a selfish thing to do, why do you think that? If he had a problem, would you want him to tell you about it?, would you want to support and help him as best you could?

However, you are dealing with your problem right now by doing TSM, in a few months time won't have a problem anymore...

I would suggest writing him a letter, you might never give it to him but it might be helpful to get your thoughts on paper, you could write down why you feel the need to tell him, how would you describe your addiction to him, why you haven't spoken to him so far, what you hope telling him would accomplish, how you would like him to react, how you think he might react, how you would like him to support you, that kind of thing. You might rewrite the letter several times before giving it to him, you might never give it to him, but I think just writing out your feelings would be helpful for you to sort out how you feel.

Another possibility might be to write a list of advantages and disadvantages of telling him.

And as PP said, we are here and we will try to support you as best we can.

Take your time making your decision.

Curi

thanks pam and curi - i appreciate your responses. i would like some support at home, but i am also worried that if i did tell him he would support me, but maybe not tsm. he's a wonderful guy, but i think he would be suspicious of the method. i think it's one of the main disadvantages of telling him. would i get support or a battle? battle is probably too big a word, but i think he would just say - cut down or stop drinking - done. anyways, thanks for listening. i'm going to think about it a little more.

-pp

I think that the only possible downfall to telling your SO is that then he might be watching you and your progress all the time, and you might feel pressured to make progress faster. He might lose faith in the method because he doesn't see overnight change. I think if you do decide to tell him you should stress that TSM is a long process, 9-12 months for some, and that in the meantime you will probably overdrink several times.
However, having a supportive SO is really helpful, so telling him might be a great idea. I know that my boyfriend has been my cheerleader even when I was doubting TSM. He REALLY sees a difference.

My ex hubby was very aware of my excessive drinking but never brought it up and there was no way I was going to!. I really think he just didn't know what to say and preferred to ignore it rather than stir things up. This went on for 25 years. I wasn't a "bad" drunk, but I certainly was one. I sometimes think if we had actually sat down and discussed my problem and worked together on getting help for me we would still be together.
If you open up you might be surprised at what he has to say.

Hello,

I experienced the same situation with my husband. I was astounded that he would point out how this person and/or that person "really has a problem with drinking", yet he never once mentioned what he thought about my drinking problem. And when I finally told him, he was a bit shocked. I mean, really, how could he have not known? Anyway, our conversation was good one when I finally came out and told him. I explained how the alchoholic brain works and helped him to understand that it was not something I had control of. It helped him to understand the difference between his normal social drinking and my over drinking and why it occurs. I explained that I wanted to be able to choose to stop by actually "feeling" I'd had enough, instead of having the constant monkey on my back reminding me of what I was missing through abstinence. So, once he understood the problem, he was totally supportive. I also explained that although the book says 3-4 months, its more like 6-12 months before one is cured. He was alright with that too. So, I'm in week 18 and I do see some subtle changes as far as control. But I'm no where near cured. I'll stick it out because I think it will eventually work. Although the support on this forum is fabulous, I'm very grateful that I have the support of my husband. I no longer feel I have to hide and he's in my corner.

Good luck with your decision.

Best,