Hello

I am new to the knowledge about NAL and The Sinclair Method. My co-dependency was under control until recently.

I am dating a guy who hid active drinking alcoholism from me. I found out he was drinking and then I found out about NAL when I could not locate him (turns out he put himself in a 12 step rehab).

I bought the book about the Sinclair Method by Eskapa. I thought that if he tried NAL and The Sinclair Method that would be the only way I could continue a relationship with him, knowing he has relapsed from the 12 step thing several times.

So.. I was convinced he can re-train his mind to not be addicted after reading the book and hearing from a friend who said it works.

Well he has not read the book yet. Also his 12 step sponsor told him to dump me...I am not sure if it has a thing to do with wanting him to try NAL or just that he thinks the man should focus on rehab and not have a relationship. All of the desire to help him has gone a little crazy and i am having to sit on my hands, even though I think this could save his life. So I am just here venting... wondering if there are any other partners of alcoholics trying to get their loved one to try the NAL ... or partners or NAL users that can relay their story about how they were able to get the drinker to make his or her own decision for NAL. Yes I gave him the book which he has not read... he has been sober a couple of weeks and he is in meetings (AA type) every night.

I know he is emotionally exhausted. I am sitting on my hands not wanting to push him. So I am in kind of a co-dependent :crisis myself... at least I was yesterday. Suggestions.... ?

I am sure he was told to stay away from you because you drink. Makes sense, if you think about it. And if he isn't drinking, he shouldn't start. He checked himself in, which is a really good sign, even if it won't work. TSM works, but I think a person has to want it to work. If you are willing to check yourself into a 12-step, then no question you want it to work.

I never went to a 12-step, never did rehab. But the biggest thing I got from the book was about the Alcohol Deprivation Effect. ADE says that once you're hooked, you are always hooked. I guess I always thought that if, for instance, you got sent to prison for 6 years and totally dried out, then when you got out you 'd be back to square one with no cravings. But ADE says not so. The longer you go without, the greater the cravings become, to the point where when you finally relapse, -you relapse big time.

So, assuming ADE is correct, your guy is going to relapse, sooner or later. And when he does, give him the book then, and away you both go.

Actually I have never drank in front of him and have had a drink about once every 5 months for the last 3 years.. and never more than one beer after my divorce. Prior to that .. I had 18 years of no drinking while married. I am a lightweight. I never drink alone, I just drink one drink at the occasional party.

They told him no relationships, not just me... but he used "a woman" as his excuse the last time he had a bad relapse a few years ago, I guess when she dumped him. So these are the same counselors and our relationship is new so they told him no. It sounds like they are worried I will dump him and cause a relapse...

I agree with you that he will relapse, especially now that I hear the truth that he has been back a few times.... and yes I will have Nal ready. But wanting to get started on the NAL is making me over involved, so I am working on letting go a bit.

Just IMO, one of the best things you could do would be to let go of the idea that you're "codependent." That's not a real thing. You're not unwell for caring about someone who is unwell.

If that seems like a big leap, consider -- the whole deal began when the wives of alcoholics were labeled "co-alcoholics" to convince them that they, too, needed to turn their wills and lives over to God. That morphed into "co-addicts" for addicts of other drugs and then into "co-dependents" for one and all. The original term is now so distant that we can see it for the silliness it is. Surely you don't believe that you and your boyfriend are co-alcoholic together.

The loved one of an alcohol addict is no more a codependent than the loved one of a cancer patient is co-cancerous.

I'm sure you know that you can't make him do anything. It's good of you to care about him, and kind of you to support his efforts to break the addiction. You've given him the book -- I might have suggested something shorter and sweeter, but he has the book now. The information is there.

If his army of sponsors and counselors allow him any contact with you, your primary goal should be to reassure him that you love him. It sounds like you've got that part down pretty well. If you mention extinguishing the addiction, they'll only go back to forbidding contact with you because you're encouraging him to drink.

You mentioned that you think you'll have to break up with him if he doesn't recover. That is fair enough, and of course you have to take care of yourself first, but could I encourage you to hang in just a bit longer? When he falls off the Step wagon again, you can be there to suggest that he might want to try something else since the Step approach isn't working.

It's tough, I know. My husband is my hero.

Melissa, that is very sweet. I like your sentiment and I understand what you are saying about not labeling myself co-dependent for caring.

For him, I think the goal is abstinence ... but I think he needs to re-wire and extinct the addiction to get there. I think he is afraid that next time alcohol will kill him.

I did say I would have to break up with him probably if he does not come around and try NAL because I have heard about his DUIs and escapades when he does fall off the wagon and I won't put up with that or endanger my young children at all. Basically... I do REALLY hope I am there and find out in time when he does fall off the wagon and I hope he agrees to try the NAL. If he agrees to try the NAL for a month... then I think he can finish it on his own... and stick to it. But I hope that he comes around and reads the book soon so it is not a hard sell to a drunk man who thinks he is going to die for falling off the wagon.

I hope to really convince him it is worth a try now while he is sober... but that is also admitting to him that I expect him to fail at his current path.
Which is true, of course I do... So... I look forward to the day he falls off the wagon if he tells me... and if he will try the NAL.. but no....if he falls off and just goes back to willpower again I will not be able to watch the train wreck a 3rd time. I do believe in God, I believe God gave us a brain and gave us reasoning abilities and insight and some very special research doctor figured out how to make this medicine and God would want people to use the medicine to get well. Especially because they can stop within a year or so after they have reversed the addiction.. Pretty amazing and not that many side effects.

There is a "cover your butt" piece of advice: "Don't drink -- but if you drink anyway, take naltrexone first." It avoids the perceived ethical problem of encouraging alcoholics to drink while also offering another option.

Of course you have to protect your children.

There's another factor -- even if he does go with a true cure, he may not be a fast responder. Depending on how big his problem is, you may be looking at several months before you even see real progress. Given that you're already fed up with the trainwreck that is his life, are you up for that?

He might respond quickly . . . but he might not.

My opinion is that if he can stay sober that's preferable.

If he starts relapsing then hand him the book and the nal - might as well give that a go.

In the meantime support him in his abstenance.

For some people relationships are just one complication too many, that was my situation and I had to learn to live sober/moderating at a level which didn't affect my moods and cognition before I could truly love someone. I would guess that right now staying sober is taking up all his mental energies. If you have to split for a bit then that might be good for him but only he knows what he needs to do.

Giving him nal and TSM because it keeps you together is putting your needs onto him and the most important thing for an alcoholic is making sure he doesn't relapse. Single or together relapsing kills. Getting sober can also change relationships and throw the power balance to the point where it's obvious you shouldn't be together. I would be wanting to explore why you really want him on TSM. Some people find their relationship is better when their partner is drinking.............but that's no good for the alcoholic's life expectancy and quality of life.

Have you explored Al-Anon?You may find it useful.

The very few drinks you consume could still annoy him, or even the fact you don't struggle - I know I get resentful over my partner being able to occasionally have a drink. Since TSM took the cravings away I don't get resentful over his lack of struggle, but for someone in their first 6 months of sobriety they could still be struggling with this. I am reliably told by long term sober people who haven't used TSM/Nal that their cravings did go after 6/12/24 months of abstention. I am therefore of the conclusion that cravings dissipate anyway - all that's needed is to keep AF for long enough.

Hope my wafflings help in some way.