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 Post subject: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 5:37 pm 
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Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2015 3:58 pm
Posts: 208
Location: Minnesota
Hi All,

Here I am AGAIN.... I'm sorry to be such a prolific poster, but I really do want to maximize the resources available here...

So, my husband is in the camp of "drinking is a choice" and that I should be able to make that rational decision. He has said, "Most normal people who have gotten a DUI would STOP DRINKING. And yet you don't! What is wrong with you?" I can't seem to get him to understand that this problem I've developed with alcohol isn't a conscious decision I'm making. Aside from the fact that I have an alcoholic father, a (deceased) mother who almost certainly would've been labeled an "alcohol abuser", and I'm a victim of several years of of sustained, regular childhood sexual abuse, I just learned to drink really well. Many compliments, actually, to my husband who introduced me to drinking wine, scotch, cognac, etc on a daily basis...

Anyway, how have those of you in a similar situation deal with a spouse/S.O. who truly believes that any issues with alcohol are a moral failing?

I might add, totally aside, that I think he would most likely benefit from following TSM. He, too, has alcoholism in his family, binge drinks (though doesn't often black out or pick fights with me... he does, however drive intoxicated often) and drinks more than the recommended daily amount. I want to tell him this but I'm afraid he'll think I'm deflecting my issues onto him... No win situation....

MinneMom

_________________
Started TSM 9/25/15
pre TSM 25-30ish/week and rare AF - standard US drinks

MONTH 1: 25 wk/ .5 AF avg
MONTH 2: 20 wk/ 1 AF avg
MONTH 3: 21.5 wk/ .75 AF avg
Week 13: 21.5/0 AF
Week 14: 25/0 AF
Day 1: 1.5
Day 2: 4
Day 3: .5


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 Post subject: Re: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 6:14 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:27 pm
Posts: 1691
MM - your husband does not get it because he is not an alcoholic - or he is not admitting that HE is - if he is .... have him read some of the posts on this forum! And as for him having a problem too - unless he is willing to admit that he does have a problem, then he will just NOT get it. My husband drinks too - but until fairly recently would not admit that he has a problem - he still doesn't really think he does as he can stop drinking - for a few weeks - but always starts again - and cannot just have one. Can your hubs stop drinking ? Have you ever asked him if he can stop? Yes he might say you are deflecting it - so agree with him that you might be - but ask him to answer the question then say you will 'get back to you' !

For you, drinking is NOT a choice - okay - it is, but not as he is seeing it. He needs to try and understand and also see that you are trying to do something about it - would he read the book ?

I am sure that others will answer your questions better than me .... but thought at least I would start the ball rolling.

Hugs to you, Maggie

_________________
Pre Nal 40-45 wk


Month 12: 4 drinks TOTAL (Dec '15)
13: 2 drinks (nearly) for Jan '16 !!!
None since Jan '16 I feel that I can safely say that I am cured!


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 Post subject: Re: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 8:24 am 
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Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:35 pm
Posts: 1429
MinneMom,

Do not be sorry, for we are here to help each other along.

My husband does not nor has he ever drank al. He doesn't get it either. I think he feels like your husbands does that we have a choice, but we do not. Your brain is just wired differently than his...it doesn't mean it is wrong, it is just the way you were born. It is like having the hiccups, you want to stop but cannot. Your brain is just craving the al. and will not shut up until you drink (what I call my screaming reptilian booze brain), and the only truly way to stop it is by taking the nal., waiting that hour and drinking.

I have read (not sure how true it is but sounds believable) that AA has a failure rate of about 95%, for that desire (screaming booze brain) will not go away for many years and most feel that just one drink will be okay. That is why I am here for I had a drink on vacation and my intake doubled from what it was before within a couple months (alcohol deprivation causes you to make up for the time that you didn't drink).

Right now you need to focus on yourself. Forget all else, and try to block out what your husband is saying. He probably does have a problem with al. and you cannot help him see that, for that is something that he will have to see himself. All you can do is work this program (take the pill, wait, then drink). When you start in therapy and you have started to change, then it might be a good time to bring up how you feel about his drinking. But for now work on you and only you. Be selfish and self-centered and remind him that you are going for help. If he says something about you quitting altogether, tell him that he will have to stop as well and you will need his support. Maybe that might make him realize that he has a problem and it isn't so easy to give up.

I have been told if you have alcoholism in your family this is pretty much a slam dunk. But you have to follow those rules.

Keep posting,

Jaba


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 Post subject: Re: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 8:41 am 
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Joined: Tue Aug 11, 2015 7:53 pm
Posts: 446
Sorry that your husband isn't supportive. He may be nervous about his own drinking. If he is driving while intoxicated, obviously he has a problem. Get your support from others and hopefully when he sees the changes he will want to make some of his own.

_________________
Weeks 1, 2 - 15, 50 AF/0
Weeks 3-11 not tracking AF/0
Weeks 12-27 average 18-21
Week 28-42 not tracking


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 Post subject: Re: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:40 am 
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Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 6:52 am
Posts: 1003
Location: England
A former partner of mine 'got it' when he tried a week without alcohol - he found it easy, that made him realise how much grip it had over me. If it were a choice I'd have stopped. I had many serious incidents, life threatening, and trouble with the police. I also got myself into a lot of dangerous situations (think getting into cars with men from bars I'd met in blackout, waking up not knowing where I was nor how I got there, no purse, no phone :shock: :cry: :o ).

Anyhow, it is difficult without support however you have to concentrate on yourself.

Sometimes non-drinkers make drinkers feel uncomfortable. Well if living a decent life is uncomfortable they can go jump(sorry don't mean that really, but I hope you do know what I mean).

I was out last night at a social gathering of a few friends, one has someone close who is suffering through alcoholism, this person said that they felt bad about having a drink on the table near me. It really wasn't a problem, I enjoyed my peppermint tea!

_________________
Naltrexone Started 20th April 2011

Cravings eliminated Sept 2011
Now fully in control, alcohol no longer bothers me. Chose to go AF from 22nd July 2013.
TSM set me free


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 Post subject: Re: Husband is skeptical & judgmental
PostPosted: Thu Sep 17, 2015 11:56 am 
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Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2015 12:54 pm
Posts: 1204
MinneMom your husband's judgment could be projection: deep down he fears he has a problem but is afraid of that so he thinks judging you harshly somehow takes the heat off of him, at least in his mind.

You really do have to concentrate on yourself and block out what he says. Tell him calmly that you know there is a problem and you are working on it in the way you really BELIEVE will work for you. Offer him the book, the websites, even to read this forum. But do not worry about whether he reads it or not, whether he agrees with you or not. Then just block it out and continue on with TSM so that you CAN get better.

I am sorry that it is so hard.

xoxo Newlife

_________________
Newlife
started 3/3/15
Pre-TSM 26 - 30 US Units/week

Month 1 16/wk av 4AF month
2 17/wk av 5 AF
3 18/wk av 6 AF
4 NT
5 NT
6 NT
7 17/wk av 4 AF
8 17/wk av 5 AF
9 13/wk av 5 AF
10 & 11 NT
Beginning tracking again Week 48
Wk 48 18/2 49 14.5/2


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