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 Post subject: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:35 am 
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Posts: 10
My boyfriend was suppose to be in recovery. Now four months later, after standing by his side during rehab and withdrawals, I had enough Friday night and left Saturday morning in a rage. We were suppose to have a beautiful weekend together ( a trip was planned, but of course he didn't follow through with it ) and celebrate some really good news of mine, but when I got to his place he wasn't there and showed up 20 minutes later wasted and acting like a fool. It was the last straw. I had come to accept an occassional relapse, but this was disrespectful and inconsiderate and one time too many. I had already made it clear before that I will not tolerate being around him drunk and will not tolerate unreliability. Of course he thought I was overreacting and should be just happy that he was there and he brought me flowers, nevermind him acting like an insane two year old. I exploded in anger slamming doors, screaming, throwing the flowers he brought me and his door key to the floor. All of my hopes and dreams for us dissolved. He is perfect when sober, but the good times have outweighed the bad at this point.

He is on antidepressants and naltrexone at the moment, but he went off his meds again and the results have been disastrous. I can stay supportive if he is trying, but if he won't try and goes off the rails, its pointless. Like I said he is already on naltrexone, but is not using it TSM way. After the rage I left in, I am not sure we will ever talk again or if he is feeling even more hopeless than ever since I am gone, but if we were to ever talk again does anyone have any advice on how to bring this method up with him? I know depression and anxiety are a huge part of his motivation to drink, how does treating that coincide with TSM? He is also resistant to therapy and groups after having bad experiences. He didn't like the therapist he was given in outpatient. He found the group meetings non-productive and negative, plus he just ended up drinking with the members. I'm sure he feels like he is a lost cause. I feel that way too, but something led me to this site because I was still looking for answers. We have only been together six months, yet we fell in love, but at six months I feel its been so much and I will walk away for good if there is no hope.


Last edited by overit on Wed Dec 24, 2014 3:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 2:40 am 
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Joined: Fri May 09, 2014 10:08 am
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I'm not aware that naltrexone has any beneficial effect unless used as per the Sinclair method.

Sounds like a bad deal. People can change, but it is a decision he must make.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 6:47 am 
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Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2014 7:45 am
Posts: 124
Overit - I'm sorry for your pain. To be perfectly honest, if you are only 6 months into this relationship, I would walk away and start a new life with someone else. I speak as an alcoholic - it is an unforgiving addiction which if it isn't nipped in the bud could potentially cause years and years of unhappiness for you and maybe children should they come along too.

As Guapa said, the decision to get well has to be your boyfriend's - people trying to force an alcoholic to recover simply doesn't work. He has to want this for himself. I'm sure he knows he has a big problem and I'm sure he truly wants to be cured (I know I do and so do millions of other alcoholics out there!).

The Sinclair Method has given me my first feeling of hope. I discovered it by seeing Claudia Christian's documentary One Little Pill https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FPiiNvlFXa0 - this link is just the trailer but you can purchase the whole documentary for around $10 and it has changed my life. My family now understand my addiction and are supporting me using this method. It is early days, but I am already responding. Show you boyfriend the documentary - if he likes what he sees then he can come to this forum for all of the advice and support he needs.

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Began TSM on 31st October 2014
Before TSM - 18 years + heavy drinking
Approx 58 - 60 drinks a week (around 80 UK units)


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 10:34 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:12 am
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At this point I am going to stay away from a romantic relationship with him. Maybe I wasn't clear in my post, I will not get back with him as his girlfriend, but I could still support him as a friend and give him this info if I feel there is a chance for him to recover. But as far as a relationship, no. He said himself it is not good to try to be in a relationship during early recovery, yet he still wants it. I can't even say if where he is at is even any kind of recovery at all, or just a failed rehab attempt. It would take me seeing a year of recovery to even consider being his partner again, and by then I hope to have moved on and started dating again. I guess I just want hope that he is not doomed. I am not in love with him anymore, but I do love him and care if that makes sense.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 10:53 am 
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Joined: Fri May 09, 2014 10:08 am
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Sharing this info about TSM and other methods may help. Traditional recovery community espouses 12 step programs and denigrates anything other. He may not be aware of the TSM approach. Might help if he does a little reading.

Alan Carr "The Easy Way to Control Alcohol" is excellent in changing ones view of what alcohol really is.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 11:12 am 
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Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:12 am
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I'm so confused where he is in his "recovery". When he decided to go into rehab, he admitted he was an alcoholic. Now, it's like he goes back and forth between "I am an alcoholic, so I will never change, accept me, I'm not perfect" and "I don't have a problem, stop trying to dictate my life" to "ok, I have a problem and I'm trying to get better, but it's sooo hard". I mean is this still considered denial or not? I have no idea if he is open to trying another approach or if he is just giving up, or if he is going through a typical recovery with ups and downs. Any perspectives on this? And I have no idea why he doesn't want to take his meds. He will be doing great and then all of a sudden feel he is capable of being independent from medication... and then relapses hard. Why doesn't he learn? Also, can someone tell me about what happens when addicts take naltrexone, not with TSM? I am concerned his use of it may be detrimental without the method. If he takes it daily does it lower his overall endorphins? Sometimes I feel like he may feel so numb that drinking is the better alternative in his mind.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 2:13 pm 
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No, naltrexone doesn't make you feel "numb" at all, honestly I can barely tell the difference any more. When it comes to pleasurable things like exercise, sex, or enjoying a good meal I can't report a conscious difference. I know that something is going on in my subconscious, but it's not apparent.

That said, naltrexone does take away much of the pleasure of drinking, but that is a feeling I welcome. If I were to choose the pleasure of drinking over a successful TSM outcome, I would be choosing a selfish pleasure over what is best for me and my family. TSM is too simple and painless to turn down.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 7:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 12:57 pm
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overit wrote:
Of course he thought I was overreacting and should be just happy that he was there and he brought me flowers,


This worries me. It does sound like you may have been a bit...volatile :) , but he should have been at least embarrassed if not desperately ashamed.

Possibly he's just fighting back against the programming. When we know we have a problem but also know that commonly available "help" is worse than useless, we may go back to saying there's no problem.


overit wrote:
And I have no idea why he doesn't want to take his meds. He will be doing great and then all of a sudden feel he is capable of being independent from medication... and then relapses hard. Why doesn't he learn?


It might be the other way around -- he gives in, so ditches the meds in order to let the alcohol take effect.

Subjective experience of naltrexone varies widely. Some barely notice a difference. Others feel like all possible joy has been sucked out of life. If he's one of the latter, ditching naltrexone would be doubly appealing.

If he only knows about Stepping, which I'm guessing is all the rehab presented to him, then it'd be a kindness to at least point him in the direction of real therapies. He might be more accepting of treatment if he knew there were alternatives to abstinence forever and drunkenness forever.

Can you send him to us here? We'd be glad to at least fill him in, and he could decide if he'd like try TSM, keep doing abstinence, or do nothing at all. I'm sure you know that it's his choice in the end.

_________________
Pre-TSM: 50 USA units/week
Began TSM Oct. 28th 2013. Cured on Dec. 4th 2013.

I'm bloggin' it up! Check out Naltrexone Key:
http://naltrexonekey.blogspot.com/
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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 7:54 pm 
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Joined: Mon Dec 22, 2014 12:12 am
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I realize, I was volatile, which is part of the reason I know I cannot be in a romantic relationship with him anymore. The flowers set me off because every time he brings me flowers it's because he slipped. It's never just a simple loving gesture, so now I associate it with him f*****g up and it makes me resentful. I let so much anger build over too many disappointments that it boiled over and I was a monster. I am normally a sweet, caring lady, but his alcoholism has brought out the worst in me and I want to be the best me, not someone reacting to someone else's problem. I do wish I could apologize to him for going into a rage, but part of me feels like it doesn't matter he's just drinking away the pain anyway, and part of me feels like, hey now he knows how much his behavior has hurt me over time. I'm just beyond caring about his feelings more than mine. I still care, but I need to come first now.


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 Post subject: Re: Dumped alcoholic boyfriend, desperately want to help him.
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2014 10:23 pm 
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Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 12:57 pm
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Yes, of course you do. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that you should fall on your sword.

I wish I could help.

If you want to help but not get sucked in, maybe the best thing would be to give him a copy of The Cure for Alcoholism, and the URL to this forum, as a goodbye-for-now gift?

_________________
Pre-TSM: 50 USA units/week
Began TSM Oct. 28th 2013. Cured on Dec. 4th 2013.

I'm bloggin' it up! Check out Naltrexone Key:
http://naltrexonekey.blogspot.com/
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