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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 9:43 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 06, 2012 6:27 pm
Posts: 8
Gotthegene -

So what is the riot act? I asked him to cut down - to try 2 AF free nights a week.

He looked stunned and said this is my recovery, not yours. Do you and your husband talk about Sinclair and your level of drinking?

This after his weepy remorseful promise to be sober tonight when I got home from work. -by the end of tonight he drank at least a bottle of port.

He says that is 5 units.

I try to not react - stayed to myself after I got home from work. Trying to formulate a solid plan to deal with my stressors -


Thank you all for listening - helps more than you know.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 10:08 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2012 5:39 pm
Posts: 309
Well your husband(?) is right in that it is "his recovery" which unfortunately he has to own no matter how hard you push.

Re riot act, all you can do is repeatedly explain to him that (a) you care about him and are worried about his health and (b) how his drinking negatively affects your relationship and your home life together. You haven't mentioned whether you have children in the household or not (if you did I apologize for missing it.) If so, I know that makes it even harder.

I grew up w/ an alcoholic who refused to change and know first hand how frustrating it is. He was my father (not husband) so when I was old enough I left the household b/c I couldn't take living there anymore. He died at 64 still an alcoholic.

When my husband finally blasted me for my drinking and related behavior, I was already at the point of seriously trying TSM....I was still drinking daily but counting the units and taking the Nal had reduced my numbers...I just hadn't been able to take the AF leap yet. I was becoming very scared of turning into my father that the confrontation by my husband was enough to motivate me to get to the next level.

It seems like your husband isn't anywhere there yet. Is he really taking the Nal? Can you get him on this board to chat with "like fellows"? I do not talk to my husband about my drinking....only when he asks me how it is going; I'm frankly so embarrassed that I got to this stage. But here on the TSM board, I can be honest yet anonymous, in a way I could never be with people who I see on a daily basis.

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Gotthegene

Started TSM Aug 2012. Had some success but over time the Nal SEs were so awful that stopped taking Nal. Managed a 30 day (Sept 2012) and 46 day (Feb/Mar 2013) AF period which also contributed to getting drinking under control.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Oct 11, 2012 11:16 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 9:02 pm
Posts: 166
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Sunnyj wrote:
Gotthegene -

So what is the riot act? I asked him to cut down - to try 2 AF free nights a week.

He looked stunned and said this is my recovery, not yours. Do you and your husband talk about Sinclair and your level of drinking?

This after his weepy remorseful promise to be sober tonight when I got home from work.


Clearly, when he is his right mind, he knows what he should do. But after a few drinks, he goes back into his alcoholic wrong mind.

The "riot act", in my opinion is something like this...."Honey, I love you, the kids love you, but your drinking is really interfering with our lives. What you have been doing is wonderful...taking the Naltrexone...thank you so much for that....but, it's still not enough. If you are serious about "recovering" from your alcoholism, I'm sorry to say, we need more, more than just patronizing me by taking the pill. Your so-called "Recovery" that you so proudly state is your own, isn't doing enough for our families health. We are all just human, especially the kids...they have no idea really...you must understand that. Thank you so much for doing what you have done, but we need more....we need to see some hope, some glimmer of the future seeing you free from this. As much as you have done, which I appreciate so much, its just not enough....so if you can't give us more...like a serious interest and concern about your own health and recovery and about the health and stability of our family, then........

You need to complete the then part....which has to be something that will shake him up, make him fearful, make him wake up to the fact that he is about to lose you, the children and probably everything else that he cares about. THAT's a "Wake-up" call. Telling him to do 2 day's a week AF is NOTHING. That's not enough my dear. You need to KNOW that he cares more about you and the kids than he does the bloody bottle. If he cares more about the bottle, then you need to......do whatever you need to do to take of yourself and your children....whatever it takes. It might shake up your life and your children's lives forever, but no more so than living with a cheap-ass patronizing drunk for the rest of your life. I can say these words so easily, because not long ago, I was the cheap-ass patronizing, lying drunk in my family....and I lost them because I chose the bottle over them. My loss! As my X still tells me to this day, "Get over it!". She's right, but how I wish I could reverse time!

We only live once my dear. You and your children deserve to live your lives to the fullest....

Act on these things....and you will be walking on the path of truth, which in the end brings a full life and and life of fulfilment to those who do so.

Good luck and keep us posted.

_________________
Started TSM: July 24, 2012. Quit TSM in March 2013. Kept drinking back up to pre-TSM levels.
Restarted July 3, 2015.
Pre-TSM: Average of 80 units/week, 0 AF/days
Craving:5.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 7:16 pm 
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Joined: Sun May 06, 2012 6:27 pm
Posts: 8
Checking in - things are much the same. We talked about splitting up. He talked about trying to moderate better, about how he fears the risk of serious relapse if tries abstinence.


Last edited by Sunnyj on Tue Oct 30, 2012 6:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Mon Oct 29, 2012 8:14 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2012 5:30 pm
Posts: 8
There is only love that can solve anything. No judgment. No pain. Give without expectation of anything in return. Give out of love. That is a lesson I have learned the hard way. When that person is throwing up, being difficult, buying behind your back: the only way you have is to show love --- for your OWN sanity....


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 7:26 am 
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Posts: 8
I am struggling - running out of patience and hope. I am no longer good support for him. I am beginning to believe that it isn't working. I feel horrible for him. I feel horrible for me.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 12:22 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2012 5:39 pm
Posts: 309
I am very sad and sorry to read your post. You need to make sure that you're taken care of first. If you don't look after "you", who will?

Regardless of what you decide to do, know that people here have you and your SO in their thoughts.

_________________
Gotthegene

Started TSM Aug 2012. Had some success but over time the Nal SEs were so awful that stopped taking Nal. Managed a 30 day (Sept 2012) and 46 day (Feb/Mar 2013) AF period which also contributed to getting drinking under control.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 4:37 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:43 pm
Posts: 153
Sunnyj that must be painful. i know if it was me i wouldnt leave that person because i know alchol is a horrible disease. but thats me. you sound like a person with a great heart. i had a similar problem with my brother, not alchol something else, and what gave me a piece of mind was taking to a therapist and a priest. stay on this board for support everyone here have great hearts.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Thu Nov 01, 2012 11:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 9:02 pm
Posts: 166
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Sunnyj wrote:
He talked about trying to moderate better, about how he fears the risk of serious relapse if tries abstinence.


That's like the Pope worrying about having sex if he takes his collar off. Tell him to take the collar off and see what happens. What happens next will make everything else clear!

Good luck to you my dear. We are here for you.

_________________
Started TSM: July 24, 2012. Quit TSM in March 2013. Kept drinking back up to pre-TSM levels.
Restarted July 3, 2015.
Pre-TSM: Average of 80 units/week, 0 AF/days
Craving:5.


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 Post subject: Re: Very discouraged - SO 6 months into SM
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 6:17 am 
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Joined: Sun May 06, 2012 6:27 pm
Posts: 8
Life is what it is and I remain discouraged. He is skipping and or cutting his pills in half because the ones he couldn't afford to order, that I did, won't be here for a week or more. He never takes alcohol free days and told me he will drink without the naltrexone.

I work long days in a very stressful environment - I hate coming home. I can't make him leave and I can't afford to stay in a hotel.

I am so angry and hurt.

Reading the boards I notice very few spouses even bother to post. I know why.


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