So very sad to report that my spouse has decided to break protocol and drink ...alone....at work (after everyone had gone)...without Nal...and drive home over the legal limit...and Lie to me about it at first. Breath tested at .11 Claimed it was "one beer", which became "two beers" and by then I'd just had enough of the Trickle Truth and Lies. Had a pretty ugly argument (over the lying and drunk driving).

I still believe in TSM method. I think it can work for those who follow its protocol. Our daughter and I had drinks with him yesterday...after he'd taken the Nal (in front of us) and he only had 2 beers, slowly, as is his usual on Nal.

We have to face that he just isn't ready/doesn't want to...make the necessary changes at this time.

Our daughter is devastated. She just returned home from 4 years of college and needed to live here for the next year during her internship and depend on us financially and otherwise, which we'd committed to doing. Now she sees the insecurity in the air and the her anxiety & fear is ..well, its proportional to the situation really.

Considering there have been a few other recent "little slip ups", chances are likely that those weren't as little as he made them out to be..and that he just chooses to continue to lie about things.

Its so incredibly sad. He's such a great & worthy guy in most every way. Id have stayed and loved him to the end of time with all I had. But I just don't see how to keep a marriage going with a liar, deceiver.

So...we are in a limbo for the night. I'll update this thread again at some point.

To the rest of you spouses...I know this method works, when its worked. I've seen it with my own eyes. But like abstinence or any other model..the person has to be committed to doing it and doing it right every single time. We just can't do that for them.

G

gkv2005 Hmm. I'm sorry to hear that. I was truly excited for you. A word of encouragement...I wouldn't think that it's all over in terms of him achieving his necessary sobriety (or, at least, extreme moderation). Getting to the goal line can be very messy regardless of methods used. I had multiple failures to get to where I am today, even though I thought I was immediately cured. I also did sneaky-drinking without Nal behind my wife's back on multiple occasions. My wife is much more "hands off" in her approach, though, as I can't imagine her confronting and giving me a breathalyzer test. There are surely pros and cons with a spouse being so proactive. In all likelihood, your husband is very responsive to Nal and simply doesn't enjoy drinking with it -- some people around here seem to really enjoy drinking with Nal, others seems to hate it, others are neutral.

Regarding the lies and deception...he probably sees no other option but to lie and deceive if he wants a good Nal-free buzz. He doesn't want to disappoint you by drinking without Nal, so hiding it is the only logical choice. It probably has more to do with his desire to please you / be respected than it does to disrespect you. I know that sounds weird, but as a secret drinker, my main motivation was to avoid having my wife think she's married to an alcoholic -- because she deserves better! Yes, a bit twisted, but that's the logic behind it and it really isn't a "betrayal" in the full sense.

So, you have a few choices. You could (a) start to closely monitor him with a breathalyzer. Pros: He will have a hard time cheating (not impossible, though, as he can just drink in the morning at work; Cons: Obviously, a man doesn't want his wife being his nanny, overlord. It's terrible for a marriage and most men rebel hard against it. (b) let him do what he wants, after clearly stating your expectations. Pros: Ultimately, he has to be motivated to do this himself to be really successful, Cons: High probability of failure given the insidious nature of addiction, (c) Some combination of (a) and (b), which is basically what you're doing already. There's no obvious winner among those choices.

Personally, I think you (and your daughter) should go full on abstinence for awhile. (I don't recall your own drinking habits). Demonstrate if you can that you can be happy 100% without alcohol. Alcohol has become your enemy now. If he wants to enjoy his two beers post-Nal, let him. You and your daughter can do healthier things, or just enjoy good conversation with him without alcohol. Trust me, he'll notice keenly.

Personally, when I found out one of my best friends had given up any alcohol whatsoever (and had maintained it for a year and was very happy), I was puzzled and intrigued. It was actually a powerful "witness" to me and helpful in my own path. It's similar to celibacy for priests and nuns. When normal people see that you can be happy (and survive) without sex, it puts sex in its proper perspective -- celibacy is a witness to higher values (I couldn't pull it off, but when I'm feeling down about my own sex life, I can look at happy monks and nuns and realize that I might be putting too much emphasis on it).

Anyway, please keep us updated.

1. I totally agree that your husband has got to want to do this for it to work. I kind of get the idea that you are the only one trying, and as Barry said, -he just doesn't want to disappoint you. It should be HIM on this board typing away, in addition to you. But he is not interested. His interest is in pacifying you, not rocking the boat, and just keeping everything from exploding.

2. But I've got another thought: I've often read that one of the most stressful things in life (up there with the death of a family member) is starting a new job. I know it would be for me. And maybe the new job and Nal are just too much at the same time. Of course, it doesn't make sense (what does with alcoholics?) because he'd no doubt be better at work without drinking so much. But still, it could be blowing his circuits, the two things together.

How is he doing at his new job? They are not easy to come by, and not many I know where you can drink before, during, and after. I know you don't want to get specific, but what in a very general sense does he do?

"To the rest of you spouses...I know this method works, when its worked. I've seen it with my own eyes. But like abstinence or any other model..the person has to be committed to doing it and doing it right every single time. We just can't do that for them."

GK, your description of your husband sounds like me about six months ago.

My wife was keeping a close eye on me, and the more she did it the more I rebelled and went ahead and drank anyway when she wasn't around. It's not hard to drink past the naltrexone, if you drink fast enough, although the high wasn't nearly as enjoyable.

I'm an intelligent person, but I just wasn't seeing things for what they were, because I was still caught up in the fog of addiction.

Encouragingly, things did turn around, and now I drink hardly at all, and my wife and I both agree it's been a fabulous change. Naltrexone was a big part of that, and I still take it.

I can't tell you what exactly tripped that switch with me, but once it happened, things went very well.

A lot of that went beyond being told what to do, and educating myself about what alcohol really was, why it isn't really good for people in general, and just seeing the whole big picture. The fact that my marriage was in jeopardy certainly helped quite a bit also.

Hopefully that information is helpful to you.

Yeah, I agree. The best protocol in the world won't have any effect if he isn't willing to follow it. By "cheating" like this, he's actually strengthening the addiction more than he would by not doing it at all.

Only you can decide what to do about your marriage.