My wife started the Sinclair Method a couple of weeks ago. My main concern was whether she would take the pill 1 hour before drinking as required. She appeared to be doing it at first (I have been keeping track of her pills to see if she takes them on drinking days). I had to leave on a business trip and counted the pills before I left. When I came back there were still the same number of pills and I noticed empty bottles of wine and beer bottles. I asked her whether she was following the program and at first she lied to me and told me she was. Then when I confronted her about the pills she told me she wasn't. The reason is that she doesn't get the buzz while on the pills.

This appears to be a negative about the Sinclair Method. How is an alcoholic who likes the buzz going to make herself take a pill that takes that feeling away? Has anybody else had this problem? I am so frustrated right now and now think abstinence is going to be the only solution which hasn't worked so far.

That's a problem with this or any other method. If she still wants the buzz of alcohol, nothing's stopping her from ditching the meds.

It's not a problem for people who truly want to quit, since it only requires one moment of willpower to take the pill, but it sounds like your wife doesn't want to give up the buzz. A plan of immediate abstinence would not change that -- she wouldn't abstain.

I'd need to know more before I could even make a suggestion. Was the Sinclair Method her idea or yours? Does she even want to quit drinking? Does she actually have a serious drink problem or could she be a moderation candidate?

Although extinction can remove the craving for alcohol, the person has to follow the protocol. I don't know how many times she tried it, but the first times are by far the most frustrating. If she has a hardcore addiction but can power through the first few times, the following ones are greatly softened as the addiction decreases.

Perhaps the most difficult scenario is one where the person has a deep and strong addiction but is also quite sensitive to naltrexone, so that the first no-buzz experience is both dramatic and indescribably frustrating. It can be a real shock. The only fix for that is determined commitment.

It would be easier if we could talk with her directly, but I'll try to help if you can give me more information.

Also, you could consider a Naltrexone implant for the first month or two. That would just take a moment of resolve to get it in. Problem is, it's $$$ and goes on your health record. But, yes, unless the actual drinker is super-motivated, this method isn't ideal. A good drinker could easily trick you into thinking she took the pill, unless you do the ol' check-under-the-tongue trick like they do at psych facilities. But, who would want to do that with their spouse, and for months on end? I once asked my wife to help me quit drinking (long story), and she flat-out refused and said, "I'm not your mom and I don't want to have to police my husband." Ouch, but it did get me to own my problem.

Heh, even an oral cavity search doesn't always work. My son is an expert at ditching meds, and he's eleven years old. I'm confident that a grown woman could ditch them.

I don't know of any treatment which will work on the truly unwilling. Extreme aversion therapy, maybe, but even then you'd have to force her through the therapy somehow. That is probably not going to happen.

The Vivitrol shot is an interesting idea, if she's willing. It is better than nothing, although not as good as the targeted approach. Let me look something up here.

Hey, yeah, here it is. This from a forum called Crippling Alcoholism, where people who have decided to just live with their incurable alcoholism hang out. As they put it, they "accept their lifestyle choice."

http://www.reddit.com/r/cripplingalcoholism/comments/1cyhx4/my_experience_on_naltrexone/

So here's this guy who assumed he'd drink at least ten drinks a day until it killed him, getting the shot, and finding to his own surprise that he's suddenly drinking less and even finding other things in life.

If you read the whole thread, there's a lot of arguing about whether or not this counts as Sinclair. Short version: if you drink daily then you take nal daily, so the shot counts. You'll also see that he eventually switched to oral nal because he became capable of alcohol-free days, and -- this part makes me happiest of all -- that he started thinking about the future and about creating a life instead of just about his daily drinking. If that guy can be cured, surely your wife can.

I still want more info, though. How much does she drink? Does she want to quit or cut down? Which, and why or why not?

Pj,

I agree with Melissa and Barry. If your wife doesn't want to stop, no amount of effort on your behalf is going to change that nor is she likely to remain abstinent. You are engaging in classic co-dependent behavior which is most likely making the situation worse. It's driving you nuts and probably making your wife resentful. That can actually create a situation where your wife drinks "at you" out of spite. Counting pills and bottles is not healthy behavior for you. I suggest that you go find some program for you that will help you cope with your wife's addiction. My wife went to Al-Anon and it has made a huge difference in our relationship. Of course, I have wanted to stop for quite some time and have been working towards that goal. That has made the situation easier.

The Vivitrol shot sounds like it might make sense, but then again, she has to want to stop. You can't make her stop. Trust us, we know that to be true from experience. The sooner you realize that the better it will be for you. The whole premise of TSM is that drinking is supposed to feel different. As a result, the person wants to stop. It's not a magic bullet that allows you to drink and achieve the same effect as drinking without the drug. Speaking from experience, drinking and not taking NAL or not taking it one hour prior can really set the extinction process back. It happened to me early on, but I have made remarkable progress over the last few months since adhering to the one hour rule. Please keep us posted.

I'd have to advise staying away from any 12-Step program, including Al-Anon. They can really do a number on your head. They push religion hard (although they won't admit it at first). They try to convince you that you're "powerless" over things which you can change and ought to consider changing, and isn't it interesting that legit self-help almost always involves empowerment?

An addict's attendance at Stepper groups generally strengthens addiction. People who get Stepped are more likely to binge-drink than equivalent people who don't.

I suppose they might be safer for people attending fluffier groups like Al-Anon, since there's no addiction to strengthen. They will try to convince you that you're codependent and that "addiction is a family disease," though. You can read their Steps online first and decide if it's anything you want to go near.

It's really dead simple. Your wife drinks more than you want. Are you going to put up with it, or are you not?

My husband did, and I'm eternally grateful to him for his patience and his help (which was not codependence or any other fake mental illness; it was love). Others would have chosen to take the kid and get the heck outta there, and that's often a sound choice. Still others announce that they are leaving and shock the drinking spouse into really wanting to change, but we can't count on that -- the thing about ultimatums is that we have to really mean them and be ready to follow through.

It sounds like you want to preserve your relationship with your wife. You're in a tough spot. We have a few others here in that situation, and I keep hoping that they'll chime in.

Pj I always found this website helpful www.rational.org . It's sort of the flip-side to 12-steps, although I personally don't want to disparage AA too harshly because, honestly, I've never experienced it firsthand. From what I've read, I was never interested and, for many, it seems to be counter-productive. (P.S. I guess TSM is also the flip-side of AA, too).

Melissa,

I think you are mistaken about Al-Anon. The Al-Anon program doesn't promote religion, it promotes a belief in a power greater than yourself (as does AA). That power could be the ocean or the group or Christ or whatever you want it to be. The concept is to take yourself out of being the center of the universe (which is where most addicts have themselves squarely placed) and realize that the world does not revolve around you and that there is something bigger at work. That's not religion. Religion is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence (thanks wikipedia). In fact, Al-Anon groups are quite a-religious and are adamantly opposed to any sort of organized religion being introduced to the program.

I think it is safe to say that PJ can't control his wife's addiction, just as your husband and my wife couldn't (despite countless attempts in my wife's case) control our addictions. If that doesn't describe powerlessness, then I'm not sure we are working from the same set of premises. We were both lucky our spouses chose to stick around. Al-Anon was a big reason in my case. It really helped her understand the disease aspect of alcoholism. The idea of admitting powerlessness is that you surrender to the situation. Once you have done that you are in fact empowered to start making positive changes. I'm pretty sure that I am powerless over alcohol.

My suggestion was for PJ to explore avenues that will give him a path to making changes for his own well-being. I would venture a guess that he is feeling quite powerless at the moment. Al-Anon is one way and it is free. I have first hand experience with "fluffier" Al-Anon through my wife and it has worked wonders and I am grateful for it. It has even helped the relationship between my wife and oldest daughter (who is not an alcoholic/addict) and control issues. And in terms of Al-Anon trying to convince PJ that he is co-dependent, I'm afraid that ship has sailed. If PJ isn't exhibiting co-dependent behavior by checking the number of pills that his wife has taken or the number of bottles she has drank, we again aren't working from the same set of premises. Here is the definition for the fake condition known as co-dependency (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency).

I am curious if you have any direct experience with these programs? To say that it is "dead" simple as to whether or not he is going to put up with his wife's drinking is pretty fatalistic considering that there are other coping mechanisms.

To JMS -- yes, I've had far, far too much direct experience with them.

To the OP -- I've been thinking more about your situation, and yet another factor is how far her cure had progressed. If my husband had gone on a trip early in my therapy, I can't say for sure what I would have done. I'd like to think that I would have stuck to the protocol, but I can't honestly say that I know for sure.

Maybe that sneaky old addiction would have wheedled the way it does. "One last hurrah. This is a great time, isn't it? Nobody else around to worry about. You can go back to the curing process later. Why not enjoy this one last time?"

Once I was a month into it, that wouldn't have been an issue. If I'd been only beginning . . . that's a much tougher call.

Thanks for the replies and advice. In answer to the question above, it was my idea that she try the Sinclair Method. I read the book "A Cure for Alcoholism", and it sounded promising. She had tried to completely stop drinking in the past but it would only last a couple weeks.

As to how much, I would estimate on average around 4-5 beers or glasses of wine 5 times a week. When I am traveling on business, I think she drinks more. At social events there is no off switch. I had to exit my work Christmas party early this year before she made a scene. What worries me is that her sister drinks much more and is a complete mess. I see my wife heading in that direction if she doesn't do something now.

She acknowledges she is an alcoholic and has told me she wants to stop. She is going to counseling also and working through some of her family issues. This week she told me she is taking her pill before drinking. I am taking her word for it.

The question I have for everyone going through this is what I should do as a spouse to support my wife without being co-dependent? Do I just say "it is up to you and I am done acting like your father". It is hard because I love her and really want to help her beat this. She is a great person and I don't want her to ruin her life.