So I'm relocating to this thread for a while. It's been 3 weeks since I had a drink, so I'm fairly pleased about that. Antabuse is effective for me right now because I really dread the acetaldehyde reaction, it sounds like a sudden and extreme hangover attack, so that is a massive deterrent for me.

One thing that always strikes me is the feeling of slight disappointment that creeps up on me when I realise that being sober is not a miracle cure for shame, regret and guilt. I really had built it up in my mind that to be blissfully free of this burden would produce nothing less than a major, instantaneous character makeover. But it is actually only the very early beginning of even trying to sort your **** out. I'm starting to be really aware of things I haven't wanted to think about in a while. Ugh. Specially since my brain was conveniently preoccupied with the boozing rollercoaster. And now it's only been 3 weeks, a mere flash in the pan, but the reality of things is starting to make itself felt. I probably could use some therapy huh

So far, the only side effect of Antabuse is that I'm really tired first thing in the morning. It improves over the day. It might not even be due to the medicine but I didn't feel like this before, so I'm guessing it is. I'm gonna try switching to half a pill now that the drug has built up in my system a bit.

Tragically, I think I kind of liked being a too-far-gone raving drunk. It was my special release, my cross to bear, my awesome escape from the mundane and my excuse for not getting all manner of things done. Life feels a little grown-up and colourless without it. A bit more real. That's what I wanted, I guess? Starting to think about how people find excitement and adventure in their lives without drinking. My world is like a small glass bubble at the moment. Blah.

Hi Gwen, I just wanted to write a little note and congratulate you on 3 weeks sober, well done you!!

For me, guilt and shame lessened and eventually disappeared over time, it's it was a gradual process, but it did happen.

I found those first few weeks tough, my body and mind was trying to get used to life with alcohol, (you are possibly feeling effects of the Antabuse too,) and my mind was racing trying to figure out how I was going to fix my life. I had so much I needed to do that I didn't know where to start, which made me very anxious and stressed at that point. I had to remind myself to not think too much and to let myself recover for a while. I had to stop wanting to do everything "now". I wrote lists of things I wanted/needed to do and then classed them into "Things I need to do Today" "Soon" and "Sometime". I don't know what it is about writing lists, but it has a huge calming effect on me, it helps organise my thoughts and I get a clearer picture of where I am, which is usually not as bad as I think.

As for finding activities to replace drinking and how do people enjoy themselves? Give yourself some time, when your confidence and pride return and you have the physical and emotional energy to do things, you'll discover the answers for yourself.

Curi

Thanks Curi, I can definitely relate to feeling like there are so many things to fix I don't know where to begin

Seems like now I don't have drinking to worry about, there are a million and one other things that require my attention instead. And BIG things, y'know - not easily fixed - career choices, relationship choices, blah blah yada yada the list goes on. Cést la vie I guess. Can't tell if they're really as urgent and pressing as they seem, or whether that's just my anxiety. Possibly the most defining feature of the past 2 months has been feeling stressed and hyper-emotional, without the relief I used to get from drinking. I like the idea of 'Soon' and 'Someday' etc lists to keep all the thoughts in order, I am a big listmaker so perhaps I will try that.

I am pleasantly surprised by how effective Antabuse has been in keeping me sober. I mean, I can't drink, so I don't. And I've only had one real episode of desperate, angry craving where I would've given anything to be able to get out of it, however I knew I couldn't, and wasn't tempted to risk being sick. In fact I was that desperate that I actually went to an AA meeting, being a cold weeknight with no-one I could think of to call... and it was quite calming and comforting in a strange way being in that warm room full of people who understood, with their familiar stories and their willingness to have a gentle laugh at the anxiety, the depression and the general craziness (although I didn't share in the meeting and they probably wouldn't have approved of the Antabuse)... I've come to see that so as long as I filter out 90% of the 12 step message, attending a meeting is not a bad exit strategy from a bad day that looks like getting worse.

So I guess now with a month to go, I'm still left with the question of how to handle my drinking long-term. I don't want to be abstinent forever, but after many half-assed attempts earlier this year, I've lost a bit of confidence in my ability to strictly follow TSM. I think I'll really have to dream up some foolproof ways of keeping track of timing, drink numbers and whether I've taken the pill.

Despite the busyness of my thoughts and emotions, I feel a great sense of boredom with life and my choices at the moment, and sadly I think that fact is what the booze was hiding. I'm pinning my hopes on some therapy to help me figure out a solution.

Thanks for listening y'all... off to check out some of the many newcomers to this wonderful forum.

Hi there, it sounds like you are doing well. I know it's not easy but try to take your time and not rush into anything, put major decisions off for the moment. If you are looking for therapy, you might want to consider CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_ ... al_therapy

Curi

G, I think the thing that doesn't work for me in the AA equation is that alcohol DOES bring happiness and good things into one's life...sometimes, ad in moderation. I DON'T think my life would be better without any alcohol at all, and I think it takes reaching a very very low point for someone to make that decision. TSM allows you to have the benefits of drinking without the nasty downsides (after a while, anyways, that's the idea!!!).
My question....why would AA's be against Antabuse?
EL

Electra, I agree that alcohol and its enjoyment, and all the rituals associated with drinking culture can bring many positive things into your life. I certainly don't regret at least, say, 75%?? of the times I've spent drinking, whether with friends or alone (although I do regret many of the things I've done while drunk). I think a period of abstinence can be a beneficial thing, it certainly seems to be helping me right now... but I couldn't imagine the rest of my life without drinking.

In my experience, the more fundamantalist AA's are very opposed to pharmaceutical treatments of any kind. In fact they can be hostile towards any kind of treatment which does not involve the 12 steps. Using Antabuse to get sober is ultimately seen as 'cheating' or at least a short-term solution, I gather. I remember being in meetings and hearing of people whose sponsors would actually advise them that if they were 'working their program properly' then they wouldn't need antidepressives or anti-anxiety meds either! Obviously this view is in the minority. But sadly, not unheard of. I can still remember being quoted pages and pages from the Big Book about how alcoholics who sought 'external' (non AA) treatment methods were ultimately doomed to fail, and would, only if they were very lucky, eventually return to the AA path, with all the false hopes of success under their own willpower finally beaten out of them by their 'disease'.

Sigh. I have mixed feelings about AA. Occasionally, a tiny part of me is grateful that meetings exist - somewhere, when all else fails, to sit safely and not feel alone - but mostly all the martyrdom, 'drunkalogues' and quasi-religious bullshit irritate me no end. Apologies if that causes offence to any forum members - just my own 2 cents. G.

I'm a bit confused... I just posted in one of your threads but I think it was the wrong one, sorry, and sorry if I am repeating myself ... If AA isn't helping, don't go, it helps some but not most, you probably fall into the most category.

I'll be the un-PC one: AA sounds LAME. And HARMFUL, if they advise against tools like Antabuse. UGH
EL

I second that, EL. And what qualifications do these AA zealots have? Are they doctors, or professors, or teachers? Uh, no. They read an outdated book. That's their lone qualification to pontificate. I think I'll roll with empirical evidence and the studies that validate TSM.

Hi everyone

Well I'm just shy of 3 months sober. Can't believe I'm actually typing that! It is the longest time I've been sober since I first started drinking at the age of 16 And boy, have there been more than a few repressed issues coming to the surface to deal with... Things I've put off for a very long time and not had the courage to directly confront. Drinking is awesome like that, it occupied so much of my headspace that anything else got put on the backburner.

I don't take Antabuse too regularly, maybe twice a week, but from what I understand that is enough to still produce a nasty reaction if I was to drink. So with that in mind, it's still an effective deterrent for me. I'd like to start drinking again eventually but feel no immediate compulsion to start now that my 3 months is coming to an end.

Have to be honest, there were maybe 2 or 3 days during the past few months that I was seriously desperate for a drink and instead parked somewhere random, smoked a bunch of cigarettes, ate a lot of junk food and absolutely bawled my eyes out Just felt so lonely and frustrated. Dealing also with a relationship breakup and potential redundancy approaching, so I guess I forgive myself for being an emotional wreck at times. I have to remember though that these things will still be there whether I drink or not. Somehow I want to be in a happy space before drinking again. To make the decision from a place of empowerment not desperation. I like to imagine that in a couple of months, just as the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, I will be able to bask in the sun with a nice cold beer and reflect happily on having come out the other side of some majorly shitty life events, with no regrets. Ha! In the meantime, reality is rather a lot of work.

I am still convinced that I want to follow TSM when I start drinking again. But I think I need a few more weeks (or months) up my sleeve at least, before I'm ready for that particular challenge.

Stay well y'all...