In August of 1971, a few buddies and I purchased 2 bottles of Boones Farm Apple Wine. I was terrified we would get caught but I went along. After a few drinks, my fear was gone. I loved it as did my friends. For the next 9 years, I drank as much as I could as often as I could, but that was no different from any of my friends. We drank, we smoked reefer, and we had a great time. There was very little trouble but I noticed that 99% of the things I was embarrassed about happenned while I was drinking. I noticed that if I planned to do something , like write a paper for school, I'd better not drink the night before. When I decided to lose some weight and start jogging, I was able to moderate. I was known as someone you like to hang out and drink but it was nothing out of the ordinary. In 1980 all hell broke loose. After hanging with my pals in a bar to 4 AM, I got up at 11 AM and decided to go for a bicycle ride to sweat out my hangover. After riding for 13 miles in 95 degree heat without water, I passed out while still riding. I fractured my skull and had bleeding on the brain. I was rushed to a major trauma center in NYC for emergency surgery. I came thru the ordeal without any visible issues. However, the blow to the head (plus two concussions as a kid) damaged by brain chemistry. I starting have panic attacks, severe depression, wild mood swings, uncharacteristic rage, and the like. I was to afraid to tell anyone about these things so I drank to get thru the day. As you all know eventually too much alcohol causes it own issues. Missing work, killer hangovers, broken relationships, guilt, remorse, risking and promiscious behavior, isolation, and undefined gloom and hopelessness. I thought about suicide every day for years. Thru shear determination, I managed to hang on and act like all was ok. I met a wonderful woman and got married. She had some trepidations about my drinking but figured I'd calm down once we "grew up" and had a family. In 1989, my missing work got so bad that the company I worked for, sent me to Smithers in NYC. I lied to them about everything but I agreed to go to AA. I lasted a few months and went back to drinking. . In 1990 after the birht of my daughter, I again seeked helped. Again, I lied to doctors and therapist about what was really going on - I thoought they would lock me up and throw away the key. I told them all I was fine except that I drank too much. The next 7 years were in and out of AA. I managed to stay sober for 5 years once but I was a miserable SOB. The sign at AA meetings says 'You are not alone'. I was alone. I did not fit in. At this time I started to see a Doctor for depression ( I did not reveal the rest). He helped a bit but I was not being truthful. Also my AA group kept telling me I was a garden variety drunk who did not need meds. I just needed to turn it over and hit my knees. That was not going to happen since I am a commited atheist. I started drinking again in 1998. I lost two great jobs, spent time in two physce wards, two detoxes, and 6 weeks in a dual diagnosis hosptial after a lame suicide attempt. I thought of suicide every day for 10 years. After almost losing a third job, my home, my family, my friends, and myself; I went back to AA in 2006. I tried, I really tried. I did a 4th and 5th step. I went to meetings everyday, I got a sponsor, I came early and left late. I got a therapist who my sponsor recomemded. I was not drinking but I hated life. During this time I found a doctor whom I finally confided in and she gave me the proper meds. My brain chemsitry issues are now under control but I still hating not drinking. But I hating drinking alcoholically. I just wanted to drink moderately. I began to search for a differnent path. I found Harm reduction techniques and groups on the Web. I began to follow their methods and began to drink. Sometimes I was ok, a few were not ok. I found TSM on the internet and was instantly thrilled. I found it. Finally science, not vodoo. I have been on Naltrexone for 3 weeks. I have been keeping a journal for 5. I have given my doctor Dr. Eskapa's book. I have told my wife and some family members what I am doing. I have their support. I never got back to my pre 2006 levels of drinking and I know I won't. I still try to follow the Harm reduction methods I learned and I follow the golden rule - Naltrexone + Drinking = Cure. I know it's only been a few weeks but I can feel the change. At first I had to force myself to leave the bar but I would pick up beer on the way home and drink it on the sly. All of a sudden I find it easier to leave the bar and not pick up more beer. Maybe prt of it is knowing that I don't have to binge drink because I may not get another chance for a while and part is the Naltrexone. Whatever it is, I feel very optimsitc that TSM will cure me. I will be able to drink socially and within established limits. Thanks to all.

Before TSM - 60 - 80 units. Cravings 10
week 1 46 units. Cravings 10
week 2 40 units. Cravings 9. 2 AF days
week3 30 units. craving 9. 3 AF days.
week 4 - in progress.

Tom, what a wonderful story with a real light at the end of the tunnel. I too had a head trauma and subachnoid hemmorage which precipitated my current anxiety disorder. I really didn't think the two were connected, but after that accident my life did change and not for the better. That was back in l976! I have come a long way and so have you. I wish I had found a therapist who was good with this stuff but I have shopped and shopped with no luck.
The doctor I was seeing for 10 years is no longer in practice. I can see from your units that things are already working quite well for you. Good luck and welcome.

Mary in Connecticut also!

LaBear,

Thanks for the welcome and the encouraging words. It is difficult to find a therapist who is aware that tramatic brain injuries can cause mental and emotional problems. i was able to find a psychiatrist who is also a neurrologist. She was very helpful and she seems very open to TSM. Where in CT are you? I am in Danbury.

Regards,
Tom

Hi Tom, quite a story. I'm so happy that you have discovered TSM, and are on your way out of the woods.

FireBird didn't suffer a head injury, but had some real problems (manic) develop after being hit by lightning. This is quite the group tho, isn't it?

Welcome!

G4M: I think you may confusing my history with Firebird's. Do a search on the word "lightning" and you'll see.

Bob

PS I have no superpowers.

PPS Welcome, mclanet0326! Quite a story. You'll enjoy your journey to recovery as long as you are patient. Just keep your eyes on the duration of the treatment and try not to be concerned with the drinking amounts in between. Extinction will eventually come after 3 to 6 months.

Welcome Tom, I am glad you found us!

Like you, I am an atheist, and I found AA beyond worthless. Asking some god(s) to take away your addiction to AL doesn't do anything. You are left white knuckling 'One day at a time' for the rest of your life, perpetuating your addiction. It is a particularly cruel form of treatment, and sadly it remains firmly in place in the mainstream recovery business.

TSM is different - it can cure you!

I never got struck by lightening, though it's one of my biggest fears. No, my superpowers came from a nuclear reaction!

Funny! Nuclear reaction...

I was struck by lightning in Ridge Manor, Florida in August of 1989 and knocked unconscious for about a half hour. Afterward, I felt changed and different afterward (difficult to describe). My mind raced. It was exhilarating at first, that I had endless energy and "infinite" thinking ability. My job and all tasks were easier and I was soon the "go-to" guy at work and in my volunteer work. I was on my way to the top (something I had never really wanted).

But I couldn't turn my mind off. Something was wrong. I didn't concern myself with it initially, since I could kill the endless thoughts with a bit of alcohol. Alcohol became a habit; then the alcohol became an addiction. Eventually, it led to this malady which is almost impossible to squelch. Therefore after 5 years of trying to fix it, I am here.

I will admit here with shame that I occasionally deliberately shock myself with electricity to get that feeling I had in 1989. Yes, I know it's possibly lethal, but I take precautions. And I've only done it 3 times since 1989, which is, by any measure, rare. I can get hit with 900,000 volts without lethal effects... it hurts a bit though. My hope on each occasion is that I will return to my prior mental state. It doesn't work that way as any sane person would know. We all get desperate at times.

And, yes despite what I have previously said in prior posts, I do have the unfortunate "superpower" of never-ending thinking ability. I wish this ability on no one. No relaxation ever. Even in my dreams, I continue to analyze and think. The dreams are so realistic that I can't tell the difference between the dream and reality. This condition has stressed my marriage considerably, since I remember" things that never actually occurred. Sad, really.

Bob

wow wow wow to all here - I love this group! Always feel better after being here - in spite of staying on too long and ruining my eyes! Welcome, Tom! Amazing story & very hopeful for you!

WELCOME TOM, and sorry I need to respond to the electicity with a small story:

When I was growing up, there was a candy store on the way to school (actually a store that sold everything, kind of a corner store) The candy was a glass counter and behind that was candy for a penny. What a wonderful thing is was to pick out the candy!

In front of the candy glass, on a shelf, was a machine that had two handles on it and a meter in the center. So this is what it was used for: Kids would make a circle and put one penny into the machine. One kid would hold the handle on the right side and at the end of the circle another kid held the left handle. The left handle was the lever, and that lever cranked up the electricity that ran through our bodies in the circle. The "Cranker" would go as high as possible until one kid gave out and broke the circle.

Did anyone else ever experience this? Kind of strange thinking back on it.

So dear Tom, I hope not to "hijack" your thread, just came to mind after reading bobs note.