Tamara, I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. Losing a child to suicide, with all the intensified emotions, is beyond my ability to envision. I am so sorry for your loss. I applaud you for working on getting healthier as you mourn the loss of your daughter. It is so easy to turn to alcohol for comfort.

Congrats on an alcohol free day, no matter how it came about. I am sure that there will be more in your future. I planned one last week with a few other posters and it made it easier for me. I am planning to be alcohol free again on Wednesday. See the thread "why not Wednesday". I don't think it is good to force them, though, if you are not ready.

I look forward to hearing how you are doing.

Dee

I'm going to try on Wednesday for AF day. We will see when Wed. comes.

I'm so releaved the year anniversary of Erica's death is past, and her first birthday with out her has gone. I feel a little better. I drank a lot and grieved a lot, but thats to be expected. I loved my daughter.

But feeling like maybe being on the upward journey of this loss of her. The pain will never go away, but maybe not as present in my mind. I've found grief comes in waves. At first it was a storm, then less and less waves were hitting. But I just don't known when I'm going to get hit with a big one sometimes. I've had nothing in my lifes experiences to prepare me for how to deal with the loss of a child. So sometimes I'm just shocked at what will set me off. Seeing something I'd like to buy her. The only girl in the family. I went into a Victoria's Secret shop and saw all the cosmetic bags, and I had to run out. She loved those.

But her little boy Noah is doing very well I think. I never told him last week was her birthday and the day she passed. I just didn't want to remind him. He's so happy with his new school, and riding the bus, and his new bento box for his lunch, and his new friends. Best I've seen him in the past year. I think we might just be able to raise a happy adult if things continue.

He's quite behind in school, due to everything that happened last year. He's grandfather especially is on that. We're being very strict about him doing his homework before he can play his great escape, the Xbox. And having him read to us every night before going to sleep. In fact I was going to let it go last night because it was Sunday, but he wanted to read, so heaven knows I didn't stop that!

I just ordered him 4 books from the Scholastic book club flyer his school sent out, to keep working on his reading. I always loved books and his mother did also. I do hope he grows to love them to. But I find boys don't like to read as much as us women in my family do. But who knows. It might stick.

If things are going well with him, I don't want to escape in drinking. Life seems better all around.

Time will tell.

Good Grandma. Your boy sounds like a treasure you richly deserve. How's other child?

Steve.

Tamara thanks for sharing this with us!! So special and you are a Godsend for your grandchildren. I love to read too but so far my oldest daughter does not. Keep doing what you are doing. Bless you. Xoxo. Newlife.

Tamara,

I am glad to hear of your grandson progress (and yours). It sounds like you have given him a chance at a new life. He will always look back and remember the special times he got to read with grandma (I know all of my kids do). And one day when he is older he will thank you for being there for him.

Jaba

The first year after a loss is the most difficult. So many "firsts" without the person. I am glad it is behind you, too. You are giving your grandchildren a wonderful gift. Hugs to you. Deena

Week 12 update.

This was the first week I counted my drinks. 31. I'm really surprised. I understand now why we need to count our drinks.

I believe my drinking went up last week. But it was also a hard week for me.

I was upset last night because Noah had a melt down at his new school and went under his desk, and teacher couldn't get him out. The counselor came in and coaxed him out, and took him to her office to talk to him. He got frustrated over his math, and then it went into missing his mom. They sent home a slip for me to approve for him to get counciling there. I'm very glad for that.

But then I worry that they'll find out about my drinking and I"ll lose him. Oh my, I can worry so! lol. NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATY REALLY!

Then his bus was late coming home, and I thought it had came early, before I got to the bus stop, and I thought he was lost! So I called my father, and he came, and I was searching for him all over, yelling his name. Then the bus comes. 15 min. late. I was so releaved. First time any of my kids have ridden a bus. So much for my learning curve.

So when we got in the house I couldn't hardly wait to drink. I'd already taken my pill a few hours earlier, so I gulped the first one. There's my habit of drinking when overwhelmed.

Then had arguement with husband that night over him saying the F word in front of Noah while he was talking to him. Husband slept in the dog house, I mean the other bedroom!

It was not a good day! And I'm glad it's over!

Some days are just bad. That's life. Today I'm feeling much better, looking forward to a 3 day weekend.

You are right Tamara, some days are just bad and there is always tomorrow. All of us here have dealt with those bad days by turning to AL. You have more reason than most to do so and yet you are here trying to get help. Good for you.

It is easy for me to say try not to worry, I know that, but what a HUGE worry about losing your grandson if anyone were to find out about your drinking. I think that would be a VERY unlikely scenario under the circumstances as I understand them, so please try not to let your mind get away from you. You are the best thing for Noah, he needs you.

Just give yourself a break and take this one step at a time.

Big hugs from Newlife

Tamara,

I remember those melt downs with my children all to well, and the bus thing as well. One time my daughter didn't get on the bus (she was in middle school) and walked home with a friend. She didn't have a cellphone then and I was going crazy. The school was closed by the time her bus passed by. I went up to the school and there were kids at baseball practice, but none of them new her. I was scared, and boy did she get in trouble. I think that was the first time I drank 2 bottles.

It is a good thing that Noah is getting counseling, for it might be easier for him to open up at school and they will be able to help him through the changes that have happened. And You are in counseling yourself, so DO NOT WORRY ! They may come by to talk to you, to make sure that he is being taken care of with all the changes in his life, but most likely they will ask you to come to a meeting after he has talk to the counselor. Do not worry about that meeting, for that is standard procedure.

I had children in counseling and no one stopped by (and yes I was drinking every night back then).

Drinking during an emotional time is a learned behavior and a habit that we need to undo. We have to remind each other that we did not start drinking like this from the start. It escalated over time and it will take time for it to deescalate. We need to find another way to deal with those bad day, and that is not an easy task, for the bottle has always brought us comfort.

I am glad you are feeling better today, and enjoy our weekend,

Jaba

Tamara - I am so glad that Noah is going to get counseling at school - and I so understand how you must be feeling but I agree with newlife that I doubt VERY much that you would lose him ..... please try not to worry - just do the best that you can - that is all you can do!


Many hugs to you, Maggie x