Sorry, total drunk rant here. I remember this thing -- I'm not sure if it was a show or book or what -- where

And I don't even remember what I was going to write. I'm 12 US units in and I have an appt next week for an Rx but I keep trying to remember why drinking this much is pleasurable.

Last night, i had around 16 units and can't remember going to bed. Not remembering going to bed is regular. Pretending I know what we saw on TV or talked about the night before is normal. I don't really remember a world in which I remember everything.

Or that I did what I wanted. Things that to me are in dreams were real and have caused such drama with friends. Even when you can cover it, did it really ever happen if you don't remember? No. You just live in this awkward faking-it where you assume he knows what you are talking about.

There really was some sort of metaphor I was going to open with.

And even now-- I'm 12 units in and I'm nearly nauseous to tell the truth but can't stop drinking. WHY? Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Anything else, I get sick of it and I stop it. What is is getting me? Late mornings. Late mornings where I have to say I woke up with a bad migraine guys, sorry.

And I really get migraines but they have become my default hangover excuse. I hate people who excuse any headache as a migraine and I knowingly excuse voluntary behavior as such.

Voluntary in a manner, I suppose. I know I've burned these pathways in my brain. I didn't mean to but here it is.

A manner of culture I suppose too. We don't blame people for some other habits. Good people accidentally get hooked on opiates. They are not degenerate and they are not running from some sort of Grand Abuse Episode: it just happens. I know with my anxiety I'm totally scared of getting hooked on any sort of Ativan-ipam drug. So careful I don't take it as often as I probably should for real medical needs, but with this alcohol, I burned a path.

I live in Portland and am a Trail Blazer of the wrong sort. My mind has the wrong idea and I can't think it out of that idea. I know as sure as I sit here I don't need/want another snifter of brandy but f*$& if I'm not going to have one because I'm still awake. That rat pressing that lever. Never ending. That lever.

I used to smoke cigarettes and I thought that was a habit. That it was an addiction. And it was, to a point. Quitting (and I quit many, many times) was never as ingrained as this. As difficult as this. This doesn't feel like a foreign thing (nicotine) that I need to put in me. This is like water-thirst where it's so basic, I can't put it into words or externalize it as a separate thing to myself. This is not craving to put some drug in me; it's craving to be.

Oh my grapes that is so over the top. But well, there it is. It's not like getting a nicotine fix. It's like breathing. And I never meant to be here and here I am and blah blah blah. If the NAL does what you say, then great and if not... well I don't know what. I know it's shite, but Anabuse even would be better than this.

One more unit before calling it bedtime. Why? I don't know. Because I can still spell.

Hi Jackson,

I'm not from PDX but lived there for two years, in the S.W. near Ross Island Bridge and S.E. near Pine and 22nd. Great city. Love the Jail Blazers too! My own personal experience with the Sinclair Method is that it works best for people like myself who can't stay sober through A.A. (95% of alcoholics can't) or other means. Therefore, we have to continue to drink at dangerous levels while taking a drug that doesn't seem to work at first. I remember a couple of my "friends" saying behind my back that the pill was just a "band aid." The fact of the matter is it will take some time to reach the point when you no longer obsess about alcohol. Do not fret. It's part of the process. It may take longer than the 3-6 month time frame, but it is better than the alternative: drinking and not taking naltrexone. Message me if you'd like to exchange numbers and I can give you my experience. Always have time for an Oregonian.

Hi Jackson, I feel for you and know exactly what you are talking about, not remembering, lying, saying "F" it why not just have another...
Anyway sorry I don't mean to make fun but this last line made me totally laugh cause I too will type away when I have been drinking until I can't type or spell properly anymore too, lol!

Hey don't beat yourself up cause we can all relate and that's why we are all here to get a handle or quit alcohol all together with TSM and the support here on this Forum.

Just remember it can take more time for some than others as I am at 6 months and am keeping with the Golden Rule and keeping the Faith that this will work down the road cause really I do not have any alternative. I will keep doing this until it works for as long as it takes.
Nal+Drink+PATIENCE= Success!
Nal On!

Thanks for the kind words. It's just so frustrating sometimes but even so, a lot less frustrating now that I'm on this board. I'm in total post binge shame mode so I only had five units tonight. I really can't call in sick due to my hangovers anymore. I just can't. My doctor appt is still a week away :-/

I too used migraines as an excuse, you just dig yourself into a hole and it ain't nice.

Now AF I do still get genuine migraines(they run down one side of the family), but perhaps only a couple of times a year.

Twelve units in, the night my partner works from the time I get home until he's home around 10:30 at night. Leaves me a lot of time to get to watching BSTV and drinking.. I at 12 units now at least, but honestly, I think I have forgotten at least one unit.

Two days until my Dr appt. Today as I drank, I tried to feel some sort of euphoria, some sort of "abnormal" brain reaction to the alcohol. There's this sort of buzz in my ears and a tingle in my fingers. Maybe after the NAL, I won't feel these things. Maybe these are effects of the endorphins. Maybe they are all in my mind. Of course any part of this is literally in my mind, but you know what I mean.

I logically know I've had enough, but he won't be home soon enough that I can't have another double shot of bourbon. I can't not squeeze more in. I can really see that lab rat licking on that alcohol-laced bottle in my mind but still: I can't not drink more. I know what this is and yet: I can't not drink more. This is really f&%^ing ridiculous and yet: you know.

"Less is more!" That's nonsense. "More until you can't any longer no matter how much you want otherwise," is this addiction. This is no weakness of will or morals and it is not some sort of disease. This is accidentally ingrained behavior. Even drunk, that makes me feel less like crying and singing sad songs like everyone wants a drunk to do.

There is bourbon left in my glass and my guy isn't even over with work much less home for a while. I can't not drink this and not drink more. I can't not do it. And I won't. I'll finish this and have a little more and by that time I can be in bed watching TV when he gets home.

I know this is no way to live. This is just planning levels of intoxication between commitments. I can write that and it seems so weird that that's not everyone's normal level. Not everyone thinks to the next drinking situation or time. I always used to think that drunks were in the gutter but you don't need to drink from sun up to be an addict. You can "limit" yourself to your needs to get by and get by with flying colors.

Me and you and lots of people on here are highly-funcitonal people. I have yet to lose a job or housing or whatnot because of drinking. I have relationships that could have had less bumps in them but nothing some sober sorry didn't fix. And yet even in typing that, I don't want to be that person. And yet: I am.

A large part of this thing is social pressure. We are addicted and so we are bad people and so we need to spend every evening in church basements trying on hair shirts. It's just this damn endorphin fix. Why can't my system just say "eh" like everyone else's?

I wish I could put a gypsy curse on every holier-than-thou sort of it's-your-dirty-weakness-to-turn-to-drink to make them get the same rush from oatmeal or going to church and then tell them to quit that.

Oh Jackson - your posts really made me hurt for you. We have all been there and done that - you did really well typing considering how much you had had ! I could not have done as well. you should have your appt today I think? I am assuming that you think your doctor will give you the Nal - I hope so! Cheeto said it well - we have to keep taking the Nal because there is no alternative. I am four months in and have taken Antabuse for the past two days simply to have some AF time and what is ironic is that I woke up this morning feeling hung-over! I do not usually drink enough for hangovers so it really does make me laugh that I am feeling this way this morning ! The Nal is going to work for me - I know it is - it is just going to take time and we all have to have the patience to allow it to happen.

Please keep us informed as to what happens today - I am gunning for you !!

Hugs, Maggie x

Jackson, I am hoping and praying that you will get your nal in the next day or so and get started. You really need a break. I totally related to a lot of what you said. A part of us knows better and yet we can't stop. And yes many of us here are high functioning.

At least with TSM there is another way..........I had to laugh about the hair shirts and church basements. Time to close your mind to all that and open it to this. Hugs to you and prayers that you will find relief with this. Newlife

Dude - for what its worth, I can relate to every word. Every word....

I am using NAL and Topamax, VERY early in, and some sleep aid to help me crash early. Some of my drinking is to put me out so I can sleep, its not all of it, but its some. I got the sleep aid today, in the mail, but last night, one drink and shazam! I was out like a light. Night before, 2 drinks and BAM! hit me with a 2X4 and passed out in the chair.

So far, its working for me. I have drank less than half in the last two nights combined, than I have on any night in a month.

Hope this help. Keep the faith, face the daemon, your not alone.

Thanks all for your support. It does really help to know that others understand exactly what this is like. Luckily, the rest of my week is pretty busy in the evenings so I won't have as much idle time to sit around chugging gin.