Where would I begin my heavenly/hellish story about my life with alcohol? I'm guessing I would have to begin way too far back to keep you guys interested. Let's just say I've been drinking beer a long time, and had some wonderful experiences, and some rather scary ones. These days, I can typically hold myself together throughout the course of the week, go to work, earn a living, make my boss think I'm a good employee, but I sure cut all that lose on the weekends.

I make no plans for the weekends, and if I do, they're early in the evening and revolve around drinking. I wouldn't dare make late night plans, nor would I care to hang out with non drinkers. Sure, I have a few friends who don't drink much, but that's why I make plans early. We meet up early, I'm usually already drunk, have a few drinks, they get tired and go home to go to bed. I then go home to continue pounding my way to an early death.

Am I a lackey, a social outcast, an obvious alcoholic? I'm certainly not the first two, but probably perceived as the last by my family and friends whom I've allowed to see just how far down the rabbit's hole I've fallen. How did I get to this point? I suppose it's through years of unchecked drinking and self denial.

It's easy to deny you have a problem when others are behaving the same. It's easy to continue having the problem as others sober up and change, but continue to recognize you as the adrenaline junkie, the crazy fun guy, the guy who is extreme in everything he does. When you work as hard as you party, pay your bills, and still show up to work, it's easy to deny you've got a problem. The problem is, I'm not that guy anymore, and I don't really do anything crazy or fun. Seems the only thing I do "hard" anymore is drink. I was just thinking a few nights ago about how I've lost all my interests in life. I've always drank to excess, but it's somewhat easier when you're ten miles back country on a three day backpacking trip to pretend it's OK. I've not been back country in at least 2 years, but the drinking remains.

So who am I? I'm someone who's always known I have a problem. A problem which fits my lifestyle, a problem I enjoy; a problem most people around me don't seem to think is a problem. I'm also a guy who's lifestyle has changed. A guy who sits at home, weekend after weekend, drinking himself into a stupor and passing out on the bed, hoping, oh god, just hoping I didn't do anything embarrassing.

I can't explain how I felt when I woke up standing deep in a puddle of liquid in the bathroom, with my wife screaming at me because I was pissing on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, or a separate time with her screaming at me the next morning because I had pissed all over the closet floor in the middle of the night. God, wouldn't this stop me? It never did, it would slow me down, and then I'd speed right back up again.

At some point my body must have caught up to my psycho way of binging, because I haven't pissed on anything, or done anything much more than just get too freaking drunk and decide it's time to go pass out on the bed. The slurring, the stumbling, the passing out on the bed, they all drive my wife nuts, but she more or less keeps it to herself, because she loves me when I'm sober. I'm pretty much a crazy binge drinker. I'll go several days sober, and it takes her just about as much time to lose patience during a binge, as it does for me to lose steam and sober up for another few days. It's not that I won't drink in these off days, but I'll have a sober day or two, then a few controlled days, then the weekend rolls around and wooohooo, here we go again! Full speed ahead.

Why am I here? I'm here because lately my body can't keep up with my habits, and my mind can't keep up with my behavior. I wake up feeling as though I'm lucky to be alive, and quite frankly, I probably am. I act as though I'm 20, even though I'm 34. I do stupid things and drink as if it's OK to never stop (even though I usually do), and then pay the oh so dear price the next day(s). The guilt, the physical pain, the mental anguish, all of it. I pay it, I suck it up, I pretend it will prevent me from drinking on the current day, but if that day is a day off from work, it's back on the drinking mission all over again.

Some mornings now I feel as if I'm certainly going to die. Some evenings I wake up gasping for air, certain that I'm not breathing. My blood pressure is higher than it's ever been. My faith in controlling myself through the week to reach the weekend is lower than it's ever been. Something's about to burst, and "GOD DAMN IT!" it's not going to be me.

I read a quote in another thread on this forum today, it was from The Shawshank Redemption. "Get busy living, or get busy dying". Well I haven't been living for awhile, and as I've described, I'm pretty sure I've been getting busy dying. I'm here to change that. I went to the doctor and got my prescription to change that. I know by this point in my 34 years on this planet, that I can't do it on my own. Not being able to do it on my own has always been my excuse to not do anything. Well, unless I want to leave my wife a widow and my son without a father, it's time to reach out. I've sought help, and I'll continue to take those little peach colored pills before I drink until the day I die. It's just the way it's going to have to be.

So that's the shortest version of my very long story that I can muster.

Hi 18 a day,
I'm glad you are here! Your story and mine sound pretty similar...i had the beneift of a (self) enforced 2 years of abstinence while I had kids, but other than that we have similar track records I think...including all the bad stuff.
I hope that TSM will help you: so far i at least feel different, and am on a path to change which is good!
I keep looking at the cured list, and at peoples numbers, and there is hope there.
I'm getting my drugs from India (can't face going to the doctors), and i just hope they are good!
I can't think of anything more inspiring to say right now...but I second your comments about getting busy living...I so want to do that!
I've had terrible nausea with the first does: but to me that is also a good sign...the drugs must be doing soemthing to me. Also noticed wine does not taste so good...last night i felt no buzz of relief with the first glass..but it was ok. I wonder though whether I can get by without that buzz..I guess thats where the discipline comes in till we've unlearned the need for it...
anyway: good luck and hope to see you on here more often.
jazz

I've been off the board for a while but when I read your entry, I feel guilty as hell for leaving the forum. I could have written every line of your entry, except I'm divorced and don't have a child, and thankfully, I always hit the toilet, although more often than not, had no recollection of it. But I was living your life to the letter at 34. Miraculously, I made it to 44 before finally doing something about it and starting TSM. No one thought I had a problem either because I showed up at work and paid the bills. And besides, most of my pals drink more than me.

TSM worked for me. It took way longer than advertised and it was anything but a smooth trip. But you are correct: keep taking that peach pill and the chances are great you will "get busy living." (One of the greatest movies of all-time, IMO.) You might want to check out my old posts because our lives have much in common.

BTW, I have high blood pressure too. If you ever want a dose of reality, try getting your BP checked on one of those horrific hangover mornings when you feel like death is imminent. When I discovered I was in "hypertensive crisis" at 207/137, I got scared straight. There is a reason we feel like death "is imminent" because it really is. Anyone with high BP needs to run to the local CVS or Wallgreens while hungover and jump on one of those monitors for a healthy dose of reality.

My best,

Minneapolisnick

18aday, thank you so much for posting your story. I've been on TSM for a while now and sometimes I don't remember how bad it used to be. Stories like yours really help me stay vigilant in sticking to this program and it really shows how far I've come. My story is just like yours (minus the wife and kid). I sincerely hope TSM works for you. Keep sharing your thoughts and experiences. They are a big help to all of us.

18, there's a lot in your story that reminds me of mine http://www.thesinclairmethod.net/community/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=1773&sid=361a83e820122d1520084f53722128cf Thank goodness you are doing something about it before you lost your family, job, life. Your wife and son deserve a whole person just be patient while that person starts to materialize.

Welcome 18--appreciate hearing about your story. Mine is very different, but also so similar. I look forward to following your progress.

18aday, thank you for sharing your story. It's one of the most moving posts I've read in a long time. I think I can speak for a lot of people on this board and state that many, many of us have experienced and felt exactly what you're going through. The guilt, shame, the feeling of utter powerlessness. But also know that you are not alone. Everyone here on this board shares a common bond: addiction to alcohol.

Just remember getting better is a process. I don't want to offend anyone on this board but Naltrexone isn't a magic cure. It's a powerful (very powerful) tool to combat our addiction. But it also takes effort. Anything worth anything in life requires effort.

Also remember that this isn't AA. You will have bad days. You will drink too much. The important thing is that progress (sometimes not as fast as you'd like) is made. Don't let a single setback destroy you. Keep at it. You will get better.

Chance

Thanks chance great post

Thanks Chance for the meaningful response. I recognize this isn't aa, which is why I am here. I know I can eventually find a cure here, as I could never do in aa (yes, I've been there and it's not for me). I can relate so much more to the people on this board than I ever could to anyone in those meetings. Although we've lost some of our minds to alcohol, we still seem to have the part which equates rational thought. AA involved way too much mojo for me. This crowd is just what we all need. I'm very pleased I found you guys, and hope you can get something from me which makes you feel the same way.

notquite18aday