I have had very few AF days these last 15 years. I quit for a month twice. Both times because of fear. One because I rear ended a little old lady going to church in her BMW and once because a doctor told me I might need cancer surgery. I went to a lot of AA meetings during those times but I just couldn’t give it all over to “Him”, if you know what I mean. I went to Lifering meetings but the group here was bad. A couple people in the group would constantly interrupt my talk about “how I am doing” with disparaging remarks. So I returned to my drinking routine. Every day, around 4 in the afternoon I started on my usual pint of cheap vodka with a couple minis once in a while if the wife wasn’t looking. I am a stay at home drunk who sits in front of the computer and my wife sits in front of the TV watching the news and various reality shows. Our youngest joined the military last January so he isn’t around to interfere with my relationship with Al, my best friend. Last year, with the economy in the toilet, my construction company folded and I have had a lot of time to get things done around the house and do pretty much whatever I want to do. Luckily, money isn’t a real problem and I can start drawing social security next year.
I discovered this message board late last year and bought the book. I decided to give NL a try. I was tired of being hungover till noon every day and waiting 4 or 5 hours to start drinking. I hadn’t been to my doctor in over a year during which time he retired. My HMO assigned me a new doctor (31 years old) and I asked him for some NL. He said “no way” so I got some from alldaychemist.com and started taking a pill a day every day an hour before I poured the blessed first drink. About 1 day in 10 I didn’t do the ritual and I would wash the pill don with the first or second drink. This went on for about 6 months with no sign of letting up and I decided I needed to get some professional help or I was going to end up in a treatment center. I started seeing a therapist who has a degree in physch once a week for an hour. I had pretty much isolated myself in life and had lost touch with friends whom I could confide in. Just being able to tell someone about my frustrations helped. I told Steve that AA wasn’t for me but he said I had nothing better to do and I should consider going to some meetings for the “sharing experience”.
I would go a couple three times a week while Steve and I worked on my “spirituality”. This went on for a while then one day Steve told me that the NL wasn’t doing what it was supposed to do. I had been taking my one pill a day for 6 months and I had to concur. so I quit taking it. I kept going to meetings hoping to find some higher power and I started getting angry. It was all a lie. To me, one big goal to change is Honesty. With myself, with everyone (including you).
In early September the wife was off to Europe and I was free to do whatever I wanted, which, of course, was drink. My daily ritual of driving to the booze store to buy a pint turned into buying a fifth. I could drink 2 of those in 3 days. After a week of this I was feeling like ****. I had a session with Steve and I decided not to drink that day so that I could drive to an AA meeting that I could tolerate. It is a men only meeting that happens once a week at 7 PM. I had been before but it had been months because I was always too drunk to drive. Most of the guys are blue collar like me and I had felt a little kinship with them. I started feeling uneasy from the first word spoken. God. God grant me the serenity yada yada. I had been working on the honesty thing and I realized this was a lie. I did enjoy the meeting listening to guys talk but by the end I realized that if I couldn’t rely on AA, Steve or NL (or so I thought) to do it for me. I had to do it on my own. When everyone stood up at the end of the meeting and joined hands I said “Bob grant me the serenity: To accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.
With one exception, I haven’t had a drink since and I don’t miss it. My memory fails me when I try to remember how good it is to have a drink. For a few days I felt hungover in the morning but I didn’t feel compelled to drink. Why is that? After drinking nearly every day for 15 years you would think I would be shaking and quaking. I had quit taking the NL 2 weeks before I quit. Had it built up in my system somehow? The one exception I mentioned was, 9 days after I quit I went to a party. I knew everyone there would be drinking and I thought I would “test” myself. I popped 2 NL and off I went. I had a few shots of vodka and I felt like ****. I was loaded but I felt like I drank poison. I went home (drove drunk) and went to bed to sleep it off. That was the last drink for me.
I haven’t figured out why am at where I am at. There are some possible reasons:
NL changed my brain chemistry.
I have a wife and 2 grown children who adore me.
I am able to think clear and logically for the first time in years. Feeling grateful for all that I have and perusing the goal of “honesty” has made my life a lot simpler.
Will I drink again? I don’t know but if I do I promised myself that I will pop a pill 1 hour before I do. I’m headed off to Mexico, the land of tequila, in 2 weeks. We will see what happens. Wish me luck and I wish you the best of everything life has to offer. Yogi Berra once said "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." Only you know what is the truth for you. Nevermind everyone else.
Thanks for listening.
Bob

Welcome Bob, and thanks for sharing your story!!

I think you might be right as far as perhaps the Nal was working all along, but your habits were preventing you from noticing. There are quite a few of us on here who have experienced diminished cravings and overall units we drink, but then kind of hit what I'm now thinking of as the "habit wall."

By having a big break in your habit and then trying to drink again perhaps that gave you the time and distance to notice that the Nal worked better than you'd thought.

I was going through this for months just waiting for the pill to work and also felt nothing was happening. I really started to apply some effort a couple of months ago and I'm noticing a bigger difference.

Whatever happened, it sounds like you found your ticket to success. Thanks again for sharing!!

Illuminae

well that''ll mess up TSM right there. if you drink without NAL after drinking on NAL for a while, the upregulation of endorphins will reinforce drinking more than it did preTSM.


Why is a medical doctor prescribing spirituality?

well you weren't taking it an hour prior every time.


really? including me? one big goal I need to change is honesty? not sure I fully understand this statement but I think you mean I need to work on being more honest? nope.

Beautiful!!!

Even more Beautiful!




Bob, it's awesome that you've come this far. Why has it happened: Who knows? maybe Nal helped, but I think not taking it beforehand may have messed TSM up. I bet you just got tired enough of living that way and took the reigns! More people quit permanently that way than in AA. by a landslide! now AA will tell you if you quit on your own you are either a miserable "dry drunk" or you are not a "real alcoholic"

Keep it up and congatulations Bob and thanks for coming by. let us know how the trip goes. whatever you do, if you drink, take the NAL and wait the hour!!!!!!!!!1

RAWWWWWKK ON!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing this, Bob! It does sound like TSM was working some background magic, but habits and not always taking Nal an hour before drinking didn't let you see the results. You saw the magic when you finally decided to stop drinking and it wasn't hard at all.

The good news is, now you know if you do drink again, you just have to take your Nal first and you won't have that terrible, inevitable slide into darkness that AA promises/threatens.

And I agree with Joe12Pack, why would a medical doctor be working on your "spirituality?" This whole idea of spiritual sickess being the cause of addiction is just crazy to me.

Congratulations on turning the corner, and please keep posting! I'd love to hear where you are, week by week.

Take care,
YG

Thank you very much for the encouragement. My therapist has a degree in psych but isn't a medical doctor. I think of him as my professional friend. My medical doctor is the one who refused to prescribe Nal. The honesty thing is hard to describe further except to say I lived a life separated from those around me.
One incentive I had for posting my story here was to say that I didn't follow TSM faithfully but it still worked for me. I thought there may be others out there who, like me, didn't feel readdicted when they skipped a pill.
I'm still not drinking but it's only been 5 weeks. I'm cutting myself some slack in various ways, giving myself time to return to sanity.